I fear losing her...
Those who read these posts know that a lot of my stress and fears lay with my relationship and my partner (Taz) in general. As of October 16th, we will have been in each others' lives for 3 years and 9 months, and a majority of that time has been spent as a couple.Taz and I were together all through her time in Basic and AIT (for the Army). We split up right after she left for Germany because of complications and distance, we got back together a little while after I moved to January, and then recently split up again merely two days ago...but it's not so much of a split-up as it is giving Taz time to really get her shit together and etc etc.
So...we watched a movie the other night called "Mexican", where I heard one of the most beautiful quotes I had ever heard, and it just made so much sense!! Basically it went like this:
When two people truly love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together; when do you say enough is enough? The answer should be NEVER.
It may seem really stupid but this quote really hit home for me. Never has anything really hit me like those words did...because it really gave me hope...gave me hope in my relationship with Taz. Obviously...with all the breakups and bullshit that we have been through with each other, our relationship is anything but perfect. We are best friends, but only when we are lovers...we cannot be normal friends because there is always too much sexual tension and our friendship has always been based around us seeing each other and being lovers in that process of being friends.
Most people who see our relationship tell me that it is somewhat abusive because of the verbal fights Taz and I get into...I really don't agree with that. I will agree that when we are mad, we both say a lot of things we don't mean, but we always acknowledge that what we said was untrue, what we did was wrong, and we forgive each other. I mean, I can see their point in saying that it is abusive because of all the nasty things that are said...but at the same time, it would be closer to a case of Stockholme Syndrome more than abuse (if anything), and it's not even that!!!
Anyways...what I'm saying is that Taz is my world. She means everything to me...and one of my biggest fears is losing her. Granted, she always tells me that she will always be in my life and always be there for me as a friend...but, I feel bad because I want more than that. I know that if her and I ever truly called it off that the friendship we would have after that would be strained and awkward. I would always just want to break down and cry and beg for her back whenever I was not lusting for her attention physically and otherwise. I know that were she to date someone else that I would practically avoid her like the plague....and this possible future scares me because it's just...it's not where I want us to be in the future...not even close.
About a month ago, Taz told me that she had been thinking about marrying me. She told me how she had been looking for rings and etc etc. But, she told me that if we got married, she wanted to do it in the States so that we were not stuck in Germany for another year. She also said that she was not going to officially propose to me then and there because if she was going to do it, she wanted to have a ring and wanted to do it right.
But, now that we are back in the same awkward position of being in-between (where we act like we are together but officially we have no title), I find myself making myself sick wondering where we go from here. Taz and I are still involved as we always are...but already I am having nightmares of women that don't exist yet...I'm getting scared and paranoid that again, someone is going to swoop in, confuse Taz's feelings, and then more drama will erupt like it always does when her heart seems like it is in two different places. Granted, she always comes back to me...but...that's what got me to thinking: When is enough, enough?
When it comes to me...I never want to give up on Taz. Every time we get back together I see enough of an improvement in her that it always motivates me to keep trying for our love and relationship even in the hardest of times. But, at the same time...Taz seems to have doubts, and while she always tries as well because she does love and does want to be with me...I feel like 50% of the time she has given up and seriously thinks she would be better off with someone else only because we just can't seem to get things to click.Most people have told me to move on with my life and look for that next best thing because I am drowning myself by trying to be with Taz...but I really don't see it that way. The way I see it, I am trying because Taz makes me happy, Taz makes me whole, and a lot of the time, I give her those same feelings.
Truthfully, I feel like we are the only ones that can even deal with each other...and on top of that, even if she tried to be with someone else, I honestly dont think anyone would ever work as hard for her as I have.
I dunno...Taz says that everything will be fine, and she acts like everything will just work itself out...but things like this have happened before, other people have gotten involved before, and I have lived through the nightmares that erupt from this. It has happened enough times that I almost expect the worse to happen, meanwhile Taz sits there confused as to why I'm so paranoid. I seriously feel like my life and future are on the line with her because she really is all that I want.
Anyways...that is enough of a rant for now I suppose :(
So...we watched a movie the other night called "Mexican", where I heard one of the most beautiful quotes I had ever heard, and it just made so much sense!! Basically it went like this:
When two people truly love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together; when do you say enough is enough? The answer should be NEVER.
It may seem really stupid but this quote really hit home for me. Never has anything really hit me like those words did...because it really gave me hope...gave me hope in my relationship with Taz. Obviously...with all the breakups and bullshit that we have been through with each other, our relationship is anything but perfect. We are best friends, but only when we are lovers...we cannot be normal friends because there is always too much sexual tension and our friendship has always been based around us seeing each other and being lovers in that process of being friends.
Most people who see our relationship tell me that it is somewhat abusive because of the verbal fights Taz and I get into...I really don't agree with that. I will agree that when we are mad, we both say a lot of things we don't mean, but we always acknowledge that what we said was untrue, what we did was wrong, and we forgive each other. I mean, I can see their point in saying that it is abusive because of all the nasty things that are said...but at the same time, it would be closer to a case of Stockholme Syndrome more than abuse (if anything), and it's not even that!!!
Anyways...what I'm saying is that Taz is my world. She means everything to me...and one of my biggest fears is losing her. Granted, she always tells me that she will always be in my life and always be there for me as a friend...but, I feel bad because I want more than that. I know that if her and I ever truly called it off that the friendship we would have after that would be strained and awkward. I would always just want to break down and cry and beg for her back whenever I was not lusting for her attention physically and otherwise. I know that were she to date someone else that I would practically avoid her like the plague....and this possible future scares me because it's just...it's not where I want us to be in the future...not even close.
About a month ago, Taz told me that she had been thinking about marrying me. She told me how she had been looking for rings and etc etc. But, she told me that if we got married, she wanted to do it in the States so that we were not stuck in Germany for another year. She also said that she was not going to officially propose to me then and there because if she was going to do it, she wanted to have a ring and wanted to do it right.
But, now that we are back in the same awkward position of being in-between (where we act like we are together but officially we have no title), I find myself making myself sick wondering where we go from here. Taz and I are still involved as we always are...but already I am having nightmares of women that don't exist yet...I'm getting scared and paranoid that again, someone is going to swoop in, confuse Taz's feelings, and then more drama will erupt like it always does when her heart seems like it is in two different places. Granted, she always comes back to me...but...that's what got me to thinking: When is enough, enough?
When it comes to me...I never want to give up on Taz. Every time we get back together I see enough of an improvement in her that it always motivates me to keep trying for our love and relationship even in the hardest of times. But, at the same time...Taz seems to have doubts, and while she always tries as well because she does love and does want to be with me...I feel like 50% of the time she has given up and seriously thinks she would be better off with someone else only because we just can't seem to get things to click.Most people have told me to move on with my life and look for that next best thing because I am drowning myself by trying to be with Taz...but I really don't see it that way. The way I see it, I am trying because Taz makes me happy, Taz makes me whole, and a lot of the time, I give her those same feelings.
Truthfully, I feel like we are the only ones that can even deal with each other...and on top of that, even if she tried to be with someone else, I honestly dont think anyone would ever work as hard for her as I have.
I dunno...Taz says that everything will be fine, and she acts like everything will just work itself out...but things like this have happened before, other people have gotten involved before, and I have lived through the nightmares that erupt from this. It has happened enough times that I almost expect the worse to happen, meanwhile Taz sits there confused as to why I'm so paranoid. I seriously feel like my life and future are on the line with her because she really is all that I want.
Anyways...that is enough of a rant for now I suppose :(
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