I failed at letting you go

Baby....I couldn't do it...I couldn't let you go. I struggled, trying not to call, but I would find myself calling and texting, and crying to you on the phone, I dropped your stuff off at your house, and left, I was so determined this was the right thing.
Now I feel like I can't live without you. Your my friend and I feel like I can talk to you about anything, and I trust you with all my deepest secrets. I love to hear you laugh and see your smile. It's been so long since I heard you laugh, or joke with me.
Last night I shared some things with you that I thought you wouldn't mind talking about, and you got mad at me. ugh. I feel so foolish. I hate this up/down mode we are in, but I know its a process.
I feel ashamed that I wasn't strong enough to move on, but I feel satisfied that you want to still be in my life too. I still wonder if there is another woman in your life besides me, but I can't bring myself to voice it. I do get extremely jealous at times. I know you do to.
I am getting restless though I want out of my shell, and I feel like I want to go out, and have some fun and celebrate our new relationship. I want to dance, and have fun. But finances don't let us do that just yet.
I been making time for just  you and me. But my kids are hollering they are not getting enough time with me. I wonder how I can remedy that since I have been wrapped up in my own heartache. Its all I can do to get up in the morning with out you around the house. I feel like I am in a black hole. I try to break out of it for the sake of the kids. I went and took them to the store yesterday, preparing one of my children to go to camp and they were happy, but they still said there was no time with them. are they getting bossy, because I am alone now? I feel like I am doing the best I can with what I am right now.
Right now its all about work, and my children, that is how I see it. You became a second in my life.
I see where I need to make adjustments, both at home and at work. With you I know I could do a little more, and not feel so selfish with you all the time. Instead of trying to over analyse and try and fix everything and everyone, than I can begin to work on myself first and maybe everything will come to a balance. What I have been seeking for a very long time.
Since I have been doing this a lot has come to the surface. There has been a lot of breakthrough both at home and with you. It feels great to be finally free from having to think about anything. Its created a less chaotic atmosphere for me, and more balance I love it. I spent about an hour yesterday just creating harmony in my home, it was wonderful, and getting rid of things I really been meaning to for a long time now. I have physically and emotionally hanging onto baggage, that I didn't need to hang onto. I find it creates a very different atmosphere for me and for my children, the home is more peaceful and there is more order with the children too.
I have began smiling for reals a lot lately, and it is wonderful to have this peace that passes all understanding.
I hope things will work out with us......If it doesn't i have to believe that I will be ok no matter what way our trails in life take us.
My prayers are going out to the families and victims of the shootings in Colorado, today.