i dunno

 
how do most people get along when they are sick? how do they deal with living alone and having a panic attack and having no one their to help them calm down.
how do i live at home and when i have a panic attack i still dont fee at home, i feel lost, sick, scared. home is the safest place then but it doesnt reall feel like it helps. because im alone, everyones asleep or not home. im 21. i shouldnt want my mommy. but i do. she doesnt have to do anything but listen..sit there and listen as i freak out.
if i didnt have ativian id be a mess. i depend on that stuff to much when i dont feel well. i bring it in my purse somtimes. this saturday i woke up at my boyfriends place with a panic attack, litteraly got in  taxi and taxied home to take the pills. WHO DOES THAT AT 3 IN THE MORNING!! i made him get out of bed and wake up and come with me...k well didnt make him but yea. i could just breath threw it or watch tv i needed those pills. i set myself up to, that hole day i knew i didnt have them on me and it was all i was thinking abou so ofcourse the second i fall asleep i get a panic attack... i admit im getting better then i was years ago but still. it never changes how overwhelming it all is when it does happen.
almost feels like your world could be ending. that feeling of NO control....of shaking uncontrolably, your hot and then your cold, you cry, you sweat, you gag. you wish your world would end. for me..for me i just want my pills, and then mommy and if i cant have either then i want my home...
its all very confusing in my mind. but i do strongly believe in the mind over matter, its just VERY VERY VERY hard to actually do.