I dont think i will ever find peace!
When all you of you guys told me that this was an emotional roller coaster, you guys were not kidding!
I feel I am worse than before...how is that possible? I go to sleep at 3 or 4 am, wake up at 3 pm (on the days I have off of course). My mind wonders like crazy, i am crying more than usual, especially when I come home and turn on the lights and its an empty home.
I am in so much pain, I am so hurt that my marriage fell apart. I am just blaming myself for everything, "what if i did this..., what if i was more like this...". I start to question 'what is wrong with me?' My husband left me after two years of marriage. The day he left he never looked back, never had the desire to see me again, talk to me...nothing. Every time I would ask him just to talk he would say he doesn't owe me anything (after an overall of 6 years together). That there is nothing left to say.
It makes me wonder, like WOW he never loved me, am i not special? Did I really mean nothing to him? Whoever he is with must be really worth it for him. I know that this man completely destroyed my confidence and it is up to me to repair it but it really does make me feel like I am not worth anything.
I try to imagine he isn't with anyone else, but i know that is me just being naive. What do i do? How do I find peace? I have maintained no contact, or no looking him up on Facebook, or anything like that for a month, no texting, NOTHING...but it seems like it has only made it worse, I can only imagine him sleeping with other people, doing this and that and I feel that it kills me.
I know i have spoken to some of you about this but as some of you know, I am 25. That kills me...I will be 25 and divorced. I am afraid that this will prevent me from ever being happy again...because i feel like i will be judged about being only 25 and divorced. I think this is where i am struggling with the most. I know it should not be on my priority list but i want to be a mother one day, a wife...but I afraid it will never happen to me again.
I feel I am worse than before...how is that possible? I go to sleep at 3 or 4 am, wake up at 3 pm (on the days I have off of course). My mind wonders like crazy, i am crying more than usual, especially when I come home and turn on the lights and its an empty home.
I am in so much pain, I am so hurt that my marriage fell apart. I am just blaming myself for everything, "what if i did this..., what if i was more like this...". I start to question 'what is wrong with me?' My husband left me after two years of marriage. The day he left he never looked back, never had the desire to see me again, talk to me...nothing. Every time I would ask him just to talk he would say he doesn't owe me anything (after an overall of 6 years together). That there is nothing left to say.
It makes me wonder, like WOW he never loved me, am i not special? Did I really mean nothing to him? Whoever he is with must be really worth it for him. I know that this man completely destroyed my confidence and it is up to me to repair it but it really does make me feel like I am not worth anything.
I try to imagine he isn't with anyone else, but i know that is me just being naive. What do i do? How do I find peace? I have maintained no contact, or no looking him up on Facebook, or anything like that for a month, no texting, NOTHING...but it seems like it has only made it worse, I can only imagine him sleeping with other people, doing this and that and I feel that it kills me.
I know i have spoken to some of you about this but as some of you know, I am 25. That kills me...I will be 25 and divorced. I am afraid that this will prevent me from ever being happy again...because i feel like i will be judged about being only 25 and divorced. I think this is where i am struggling with the most. I know it should not be on my priority list but i want to be a mother one day, a wife...but I afraid it will never happen to me again.
Replies
Jgarc, everyone feels that way...especially when their life is uprooted by a cheating spouse. What you have to remember is that YOU DIDN\'T DO ANYTHING WRONG in this marriage. It\'s normal to feel pain, especially when you really did love him and expected to spend the rest of your life with him. I know it has been said in the past, but it bears repeating, this pain will pass in time. The thought that you are only 25 and divorced is not as bad as being 40 and divorced...but either way, it\'s not like you will have a mark on you that says that you\'ve been divorced, and most GOOD GUYS don\'t care anyways. I could have held it against my husband that he had been married once...but in the grand scheme of things...it really doesn\'t matter, it\'s in his past. That\'s the way that I look at it and these days, everyone has had a serious relationship that has failed...it just makes you a stronger person for it.
It\'s also normal to think \"what was wrong with me?\" and \"what if i would have...?\"... these are all normal things to think once you realize there is no going back and that he really is gone. Also, the pain of thinking of him in someone else\'s arms is also very normal. You are doing the right thing by not trying to contact him (over the phone or texting) or looking him up on Facebook. I wish I had words of advice for you that would make you feel better...but all the advice I have is to find a hobby...maybe go to your local craft store and find a hobby that you can throw yourself into.
Sending you good thoughts, and my prayers and great big giant hugs!! I hope you are finding yourself healing more and more everyday! Keep me in the loop and let us know how you are doing!!
Thank you bayrabbit. I know all this pain is the \"normal\" part of going through a divorce but there are days I wished I didn\'t wake up. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my journal, it honestly soothes me to hear everyone\'s opinion here :)