I dont self injure anymore.. I hope i can continue to say this... triggering...

Self injury will always be a part of me. It is in my in my skin and in my immediate reactions. I feel it in my breathe and in my hands, that itch I get to grab a blade and rip it open and bleed. I thought for sure that after almost three years this would be gone. But I still get such vivid visualizations, of self injury and blood. I feel like these emotions are a thing of the past me, and no one in my present life knows the past me... so it is.. conflicting. My boyfriend of almost three years has known me since my recovery, he has never once seen a fresh cut on me, seen the shame on my face or the desparate pulling down of the sleaves in fear of someone seeing my scars. He has not seen me give in to my darkest dreams... so to him... this is not happening. I think we have discussed my past self inury all of once. I just so desparately wanted a normal life that I didnt want to bring up such a not normal thing, I wanted to be normal with him so I pretended to be normal.. and now we have been together for so long, and he has been so amazing to me... and yet there is this huge battle I am facing every day that he is just so completely unaware of. to no fault of his own... will I ever be free of this... can I ever go a month without getting such vivid imagies of me holding a razor quickly atacking my wrists in many X patterns untill there is so much blood I am lost... lost but not dead, i do not imagine suicide, just physical reliefe... but I have come so far from my sel injuring self. I can be happy easier, I make an effort to be happy, I do things, i talk to people, I feel pride, I feel love, I feel... anything... I just dont get it.... this is nothing but a psychological addiction, this is not herroin or alcohal, therei s no physical dependency... there is nothing but my own weakness... is it weakness, how can it not be? will I ever be free? do i want to be free? if i wanted to be free i would be free...s o why am i holding on to such a terrible thing... why am i affraid to let go and use the coping skills i know i have. why am i scared to be happy, why am i not used to feeling overwhelming feelings... why does my wrist still look so inviting to open? i feel like i am to old for this shit, and when i wake up it will all go away/.... will it ever go away... I am sure this makes zero sense to anyone reading, but this doesnt need to be read itj ust needs to be written to get out... and now it is out....