I Dont Really Want To Write This One

I’m getting tired of all this … really getting tired.  It’s just not right.  I went to my therapist today and I told her the denial and the “I don’t want to go” is trying to creep it’s way in.  Like when we were younger and we’d watch these sex education films.   I’m a big egg and sperm are trying to penetrate in and keep knocking and I need to stay strong and not let them in and I don’t know how long I can do that.  The sperm is all the I don’t want to go, I don’t want to do these exposures anymore, I don’t have this problem, I won’t wet my bed, I won’t have accidents.  I started by telling her I need a reality check by just talking or her reassurance.  She commented it’s good I’m realizing (not sure the word) these things.  I told her I rented the movie “Doubt” she told me about last time when my car was in the shop all day.  She was glad I did.  I told her I wanted to see what denial she was talking about.  I told her I would have believed the Priest.  She thinks he did it.  I said I didn’t know and nothing was proven and the head nun was even crying at the end because she didn’t know for sure.  I was concerned for the little boy not just about the Priest but the abuse he was getting from his Dad.  She said this took place in Boston and these things were happening there and all over, too. We related my denial just a little but not much because I can’t even remember it.    I told her how doing all these exposures so close together make me think I have accidents all the time and I don’t.  But they are not real.  They are experiments and such.  Doing them is good – I’m proud of myself to be able to do them because some people can’t.  And I need to do them every once in a while to remind me it’s not that big of a deal and how to act in different situations.  But it’s really putting me into having to do a reality check and maybe by me talking or her reassuring me would be good.  She just let me talk.  I also told her I just need to talk about the trip, logistics and such some time and she asked if we should do that today.  No, not today maybe next time.  I told her I’d like for her to do 2 messages for me.  The one while I’m on the trip because I do listen to it every so often – especially if something happens.  The other for the whole week that I don’t see her and I know I won’t be able to talk to her – before I go on my trip.  That’ll be hard for me.  But I didn’t want her to do them at the same time so as not to confuse them.  She acted a little weird about that almost a little impatient that everything was not quite clear as to when and what to say.  I told her I hate being like this.  Instead of empathy like usual I got more of a ‘I wish you weren’t like that, too’ kind of thing without saying it.  And I didn’t even begin to talk about check-in phone calls.  I’m kind of scared to do that now.  I asked her about her radiation and she said 2 more weeks.  A little bit of burning and a little bit of tiredness but she didn’t seem to want to really go into anything so I didn’t ask anymore.  When we walked downstairs I asked her if she’s getting excited about her trip.  She said she was (she’s leaving next Saturday) and said I hope it’ll be better than last time (her father-in-law just had a stroke before they got there) and she said it would be.  It’ll be good to get away she told me.  I’m thinking – yeah from me and all this!  And I mentioned it’s good her son’s coming home this weekend.  Yes, but no other comments.  I just detected a little less talking and friendliness today.  Maybe she’s tired of all this and of me.  Maybe she’s just tired from the radiation.  I’m not sure but something’s not right.  Like she’s trying to have the patience but I can see through that.  Just weird.  I told her I wanted to go downstairs when I have to go to the bathroom and wait outside the bathroom.  I checked before I came in and the door was closed to that office nearby so we thought it would be OK but we’d see.  Then I want to come back and just try on the diaper – not for very long.  She even forgot she has one for me in the drawer I left.  I’m hoping she’s OK and it’s not something with me.  We ended up forgetting to do the diaper thing.  So I was going to tell her about what my friends said that we didn’t get to last week.  Then I needed to go to the bathroom.  She jumped and asked if we should go downstairs now.  Don’t know why so fast because I do have a little time but we went.  Maybe because things have been happening so quickly when doing these exposures.  If we do something before sometimes things don’t go as planned because I start going to the bathroom too quickly.  I made sure I remembered to bring my purse with me with my extra clothes.  Last week I forgot.  I suggested to walk outside for a little while but she said first she wanted to check the situation out.  So we got downstairs, looked around the corner and the door was closed.  Yes!  Since we had time we went over into the little lobby area where the snack machines were.  She told me to pretend my friends wanted a snack and I needed to go.  What would I do.  At first I said, “Let’s go find a bathroom.”  Later she told me I don’t need to include them and tell them where I’m going.  It’s my business.  But I do need to say I’ll be back so they’re not looking for me.  I told her I don’t know why I said that, that I would probably tell them I’m going – not the ‘let’s go’.  That’s good I don’t need to tell them everything.   So for the first maybe minute we stood there looking at the snack machine with her doing most of the talking.  Then I started to move around a lot and commented I can’t stay still.  In about 30 seconds she told me that if I can’t stay still maybe we should move closer to the bathrooms.  So we did.  She looked inside, turned the light on, like it was clear to go.  I wanted to wait like I couldn’t get in.  So we did.  It was so hard, I was moving around a lot, I really had to go so badly.  Another time she said for me to be bold and just go but I still wanted to not be able to.  Once I looked down and said my pants are already a little wet.  “This is so hard,” I told her just struggling not to go and moving around a lot.  She looked at me like she knew.  I told her I don’t know if I told her before but when it gets this bad it’s like one big Kegel.  I just hold tight and keep holding and holding as tight as I can and don’t let go.  She understood and echoed about me holding on tight..  Finally I said, “I can’t do this anymore,” or something and started going to the bathroom covering with my hands as much as I could.  Then I said, “My purse” and put that in front of me quickly.  It was so embarrassing but she didn’t look at anything.  While I was going I said, “I just hope I don’t get it on the floor,” and looked down.  “I did, oh her name, I did, I got it on the floor.”  I think a curse word may have been in there.  When I was done I think I said, “OK” like OK, now what.    I didn’t say the ‘they’ll look’ like I usually do.  She knows I don’t like her to look and probably doesn’t want to anyway.  But that’s not reality and I didn’t say that either.  She told me she’d meet me upstairs while I go into the bathroom to get myself cleaned up.  “And, the floor,” I commented while I looked down.  It wasn’t a lot – in 2 small areas.  So that’s what I did.  It’s almost like she took off like she didn’t want any part of it this time.  Like she’s tired of it and didn’t want to see anything.  I like it better when she waits for me.  Maybe not to all alone and abandoned.  But I do like the privacy.  I also have feeling of being too embarrassed to come back but I did.    When I came back she was in the hallway talking to her partner until she heard the door open.  Her partner just smiled at me when I passed.  Wonder what she said to her – I really wonder.  So after I sat down she asked me how I was doing and could tell that was really hard for me.  It was – really hard.  She said she could just see my pain and I got the impression that was painful for her, too.  She said it’s something that your body needs to do.  Like keeping back when you need to throw up, or sneezing or coughing.  And it’s hard to stifle it.  It’s something your body needs to do.  And said she could see how hard this was for me.    She asked me what I learned from it.  I said to speak up for myself when I need to go. I told her it could happen – it could.  I wasn’t upset we did it but the reality of it really happening was bothering me she could tell.  How when you are on vacation you can’t always find or don’t know where the bathrooms are and something might happen.  I told her I wonder why me, why did God give me this problem.  She shook her head understanding and I’m sure she was thinking the same about her cancer.  That’s worse I would think.  Thank you God for sparing me and please take the cancer away from her – forever.    I think she could tell it was really bothering me because I was so quiet.  I get like that and she knows it.  She gave me the tappers while we talked about it.  I said how I didn’t like how I looked like a little kid when having to go so badly.  We agreed little kids look like that and I said I’m not a little kid – I’m adult.  She said it would be hard for anyone who would experience this to not move around but talked like she wouldn’t know because she hasn’t.  She talked in terms of other people.  I said how I shouldn’t do that and I should be able to wait.  So we talked like I should be the Mom, since I’m such and good Mom and I’m so helpful to everyone, what good things I should say to myself.    We also got into talking about how scared I am with the ½ hour table massage I’d like to do on Monday.  She said I should be fine – it’s just for 30 minutes and confirmed I’d go to the bathroom just before.  She thinks I can do 30 minutes fine.  But I’m worried.  What if I’d start going to the bathroom?  She didn’t think I would in ½ hour.  I told her if I was relaxed enough I could – well, fall asleep.  She didn’t think I would – well, she was more sure – she knows I won’t go to sleep here.  But sometimes I go just being very, very relaxed.   She asked me if I do that at home.   Sometimes – not all the time.  I told her with the other massage therapist I kept opening up my eyes and it was just a short trial thing.  And I’ve had enough chair massages now I can get myself to relax but still be aware.  In essence, she told me to do the same for this.  Relax but be aware of my bladder.  But I was still worried – I told her maybe I’m just worried.  But what if I started going?  I mumbled to get up real fast.  She said yes and asked me if I can stop the flow.  When I don’t have to go, yes usually.  She said maybe the massage therapist can just hand me the robe.  I then asked what if I got it on the table and how embarrassing that would be.  She said she’d have to change the sheet.  I said about that soft wooly thing and she didn’t know if there were extras in that cabinet they have in there.  She’s either thinking I’m making too much out of this or she wants out of this problem just as badly as I do.  I just got weird vibs from her today.  I’m making too much out of all this.  I know I am and I’m scaring myself but I’m so worried.  When we were doing the tappers I told her how sad it makes me feel like I want to cry.  She said she feels sad for me, too – this time she was empathetic like usual.  She asked me if I ever cry about it.  I told her I try not to.  She said maybe I need to.  She suggested it’s harder for me now because of the reality of the trip coming closer.  Yes, definitely.  I even told her when I came back it’s so hard because what just happened downstairs could happen in real life.    In a bit I needed to go to the bathroom again and told her.  She said it’s up to me if I want to go.  I do this sometimes after an exposure and when I go it’s not that much.  But it feels like I need to go and I can’t tell the difference.  I didn’t at first but got to a point, a few minutes later, that I said I really needed to go and then went.  When I came back she started to say something.  I told her I remembered what my friend said that I forgot earlier but accidently interrupted her.  I asked her what she was saying.  She said she doesn’t want me to leave like this.  So, I said this might help.  I told her my friend told me about one of his problems (his son getting married and his conflicts with his future daughter-in-law) and like my daughter talks to me and my friends – a lot of people.  I said I should do what she’s doing (meaning being a therapist).  She said maybe I should but corrected herself not in this setting.  Maybe something else but it was really weird.  Like not with her.  But I went on telling her my friend told me I’m such good therapy for him and a good therapist.  I commented to her that I’m great with other people but not myself.  I freeze, my brain doesn’t work – it goes on vacation.  So what she said is how I would react and do with others is great.  She said how hard I am on myself/my child and that shows my stubbornness.  How she should report me to child abuse (she’s kidding) for myself.  She wants to work with me separate from my urinary problems on that to not be so hard on myself and to take care of that inner child at some point.  I also told her earlier that one of my friends going on the trip commented how I’m not controlling like my Mom was (my husband’s Mom, too).  How laid back and easy going I am.  She just commented I can be.  I don’t think she thinks I am as much as I am.  She just sees the inner part of myself – not the outer like everyone else sees but I didn’t say.  I said that was good what she said because even though I’m so take charge I don’t want to seem controlling.  Someone has to do it but I always ask other people opinions and such.  She said that was a nice compliment she gave me.  I told her I wanted to test out the diaper next week.  She almost wanted to give it to me for home.  I want to do it with her – doesn’t she remember, I think she’s mixed up.  She asked me if wearing it at night will keep me from sleeping.  I told her yes but I don’t sleep well on trips anyway.  She said it’s like that for most people - at least the first night because things are unfamiliar.  I said I’m like that every night.  I told her I want to do a worry box this time and leave it here like we did last year before the trip with my husband.  I asked her if she has a box or shall I bring my own.  She said to bring my own.    In leaving she wants me to do something fun and active.  I told her I had my grandson this morning and to take him to school but not this afternoon.  That would have been good.  She asked me about this weekend.  My son’s birthday so that’s good.  I still left feeling badly but she just said, “See you Monday.”  I know there’s nothing she can do. She said to leave it all here and motioned to the cabinet.  I said yeah, with the rock and the lady.  We did that one other time.  Earlier we talked a bit more about the massage therapist and telling her about my problem.  I told her no.  I said how I had a little window of opportunity last time to tell her but I didn’t.  Once you open up the can of worms it’s open forever.  She said she could help me and maybe even look up or find out other ways to help me if she knew.  To look at her like a health care professional.  And if I didn’t want to talk about it sometimes she’ll respect that.  Just like I sometimes say I don’t want to talk about something or do something yet with her.  We just don’t.  She even offered to bring her in at the end of our session before I go see her to tell her things with her there.  I just nodded and listened.  In thinking myself – I know I should, it would be helpful but I just can’t.  One more person knowing – no!     When I was with the massage therapist today I told her Monday I’d like to do a 30 minute table massage.  Again she said about going to sleep and I’m thinking no, no!  I asked if it’s clothed or non-clothed.  Non-clothed is better but everyone’s different with their panties and bra.  I know I would want to keep my underpants on and told her that.  She said she would drape around like a diaper (a diaper – I almost started laughing!) not to have anything exposed to reassure me.  She even said this time about using the robe to make a “mad dash to the bathroom” if I needed to.  My therapist better not have told her anything!  Unless because I couple times I went to the bathroom between stuff.  I kind of laughed and joked that just might happen.  I told her my therapist told me she brought a robe in.  OK … so … I’m making this too big of a deal.  I’m scaring myself into not wanting to go.  I even told her that today and she said I really do want to go, I deserve to go.  I’m so tired of this.  I’m so tired of preparing for this.  I’m so tired of having accidents in front of her, changing clothes, bringing bags home with wet clothes in them.  I’m so tired of it!  I’m sure she’s tired of it too and I’m afraid she doesn’t like me anymore.  Or, doesn’t like this part of me.  I don’t.  I want this trip to be here, me (and everyone else) enjoy it immensely with no problems and be done with all this.  Done!  And happy!  : - )