i dont know

I dont even know what to write but i figured i would write something since i haven't in a couple months. Everything is still the same, still with dickhead, some days are better then others but most days i would like to just run away. i went out shopping yesterday with just me and my son, that i did enjoy, being away from him, the sun was out, was a good time, i even thought it feels great to just be on my own and not worry what hes going to say or not being home by a certain time, cuz i just dont care anymore if he says anything. Its my life and if you want to bitch go ahead but im not listening. My son has his first counseling appointment friday, finally, i had to cancel the first one because there was a blizzard that morning. My son really needs help, he is so scared of everything, worries incessantly about things that he should be able to just brush off. Not to mention it is exhausting me trying to be able to get him to understand that its normal to have worries but i never can seem to convince him, its maddening and heart breaking at the same time to see my son go through this. I love my son with all that i am and to see him hurting like this and he's only 9 just kills me. He should be carefree and happy and excited for like not worried constantly. Although he has been good for the past week, the past 3 nights have been bad, him trembling because hes scared not being able to get to sleep unless im near him, bawling and shaking because hes so worried about monsters or killers. If its not one thing its another, a new worry will arrive as soon as i calm his fear.
im just so lost and unhappy and miserable and im making other people miserable at the same time, being grumpy and selfish and wanting attention, begging for it, im so pathetic. I dont want attention from him but i need it from someone but yet i back away or push friends away because im just so unhappy and dont care about anything. i wish this was just all over and i could actually leave and just be done with it but no i worry about hurting his dumbass, i dont even interact with him anymore, you think it would be easy. nothing is ever easy, nothing