I don't understand
Sooo there was so much stress put on me leaving and here I am back! I left to try to make things better for us considering the situation and caught hell for it everyday. When my plan didn't work out I came home early, even went as far as to surprise her. Since I have been back NOTHING has changed. I tried being more helpful, more supportive, more of everything she complained about me not being and he was still just as cold to me now as she was before. I even brought it to her attention that it was bothering me and she did absolutely nothing about it. I explained that I didn't feel missed or appreciated and guess what happened...YUP, nothing. I bring something simple to her attention and as usual it gets blown out of proportion and is as always an excuse for her to leave the house. Her place of "work" she may have had a drink or two or at least that's the impression she wanted to give off with certain smart remarks that she made. Left the house at around 11 and comes back around 1:30, then wonders why I "go back to my old ways"...she is still in her old ways. How can you expect things around you to be different and you aren't making any efforts to change yourself??
I am pregnant and miserable, I feel fat, unattractive, useless and lazy but I still try because she wouldn't understand. No matter what I do she is still so stuck in the past that she will never be able to move forward. I don't even know why she wanted me to come back??? Not once has she told me she missed me, was glad to have me home, I haven't gotten a hug, a thank you or anything...yet she expects me to be different??? Why is it fair that I tried to show her something different and got no acknowledgement yet the moment we have an argument its all on me when I'm the one that has been trying. She has done ABSOLOUTELY nothing since I've been back that she didn't do b4 I left.
IDK what my purpose in her life is yet she makes me feel like crap for stepping away. She doesn't even want me here to keep her company, she has friends to do that. I understand she is all about her business but I'm not going to just sit around and be the babysitter while she's out, I'm not going to be the maid that runs around cleaning up after everyone else because they are to busy or preoccupied to do it themselves, I'm not the chef that is going to cook dinner she doesn't even eat.
I don't want to sit at her job with her friends and co workers because I honestly have no idea what she has been saying to them in my absence. One calls her his sister/GF and she let him so my natural reaction is to be uncomfortable around him because the dom in me sees him as competition now, that goes for all the men that work with her. I'm sure they flirt with her all day everyday, that's what men do and I'm sure she has told them all about me "abandoning" her so now that I'm back, ugly and with nothing to offer her I know there is no way they can take me seriously as her whatever she told them I am to her. So I would rather stay away than just sit up there for hours looking and acting like the bum I already feel like I am.
These are some of the things I struggle with internally but because she cant see past herself: her emotions, her memories, her this, her that, she could NEVER understand how I feel especially since she doesn't even acknowledge that I have feelings and its frustrating the hell out of me because I'm trying to be what she WANTS but one day I will have no choice but to be what she NEEDS and if that is out of the way then so be it because I made an effort and she didn't even notice it then had the nerve to complain when thing went wrong...smh
The bad part is that whether I release this here or directly to her nothing will ever change because she will never sit down, have a conversation with me about it, accept her part and work towards making things better. She will just do what she has been doing which is blame me, dismiss the situation and start avoiding me, the house and the kids as has been her pattern in the past.
This has been one o the worst pregnancies I have ever had because I finally know what it's like to be alone. She is non supportive of how I'm feeling mentally, emotionally or physically. She isn't nurturing or catering. She has set up her life so I foresee me having to arrange mine around her, that means work, school and everything else I have to do, I am getting the vibe that I will either have to figure it out on my own or work around her, see when she can pencil in some free time to help me out. I have no other help here which is why I left in the first place. I went where I thought I had help so I could try to get ahead and that proved a failure so it has been confirmed that I really do have no one. NOTHING she has done these past few days has shown me that she is there for me as a person, she is there financially but that's not what I'm looking for. I guess I will just have to take what I can get and figure the rest out on my own.
Cleaning up helps me clear my mind so I guess that's my plan until I can figure my life out because I just keep making mistake after mistake and I honestly have no idea where to go from here.
I am pregnant and miserable, I feel fat, unattractive, useless and lazy but I still try because she wouldn't understand. No matter what I do she is still so stuck in the past that she will never be able to move forward. I don't even know why she wanted me to come back??? Not once has she told me she missed me, was glad to have me home, I haven't gotten a hug, a thank you or anything...yet she expects me to be different??? Why is it fair that I tried to show her something different and got no acknowledgement yet the moment we have an argument its all on me when I'm the one that has been trying. She has done ABSOLOUTELY nothing since I've been back that she didn't do b4 I left.
IDK what my purpose in her life is yet she makes me feel like crap for stepping away. She doesn't even want me here to keep her company, she has friends to do that. I understand she is all about her business but I'm not going to just sit around and be the babysitter while she's out, I'm not going to be the maid that runs around cleaning up after everyone else because they are to busy or preoccupied to do it themselves, I'm not the chef that is going to cook dinner she doesn't even eat.
I don't want to sit at her job with her friends and co workers because I honestly have no idea what she has been saying to them in my absence. One calls her his sister/GF and she let him so my natural reaction is to be uncomfortable around him because the dom in me sees him as competition now, that goes for all the men that work with her. I'm sure they flirt with her all day everyday, that's what men do and I'm sure she has told them all about me "abandoning" her so now that I'm back, ugly and with nothing to offer her I know there is no way they can take me seriously as her whatever she told them I am to her. So I would rather stay away than just sit up there for hours looking and acting like the bum I already feel like I am.
These are some of the things I struggle with internally but because she cant see past herself: her emotions, her memories, her this, her that, she could NEVER understand how I feel especially since she doesn't even acknowledge that I have feelings and its frustrating the hell out of me because I'm trying to be what she WANTS but one day I will have no choice but to be what she NEEDS and if that is out of the way then so be it because I made an effort and she didn't even notice it then had the nerve to complain when thing went wrong...smh
The bad part is that whether I release this here or directly to her nothing will ever change because she will never sit down, have a conversation with me about it, accept her part and work towards making things better. She will just do what she has been doing which is blame me, dismiss the situation and start avoiding me, the house and the kids as has been her pattern in the past.
This has been one o the worst pregnancies I have ever had because I finally know what it's like to be alone. She is non supportive of how I'm feeling mentally, emotionally or physically. She isn't nurturing or catering. She has set up her life so I foresee me having to arrange mine around her, that means work, school and everything else I have to do, I am getting the vibe that I will either have to figure it out on my own or work around her, see when she can pencil in some free time to help me out. I have no other help here which is why I left in the first place. I went where I thought I had help so I could try to get ahead and that proved a failure so it has been confirmed that I really do have no one. NOTHING she has done these past few days has shown me that she is there for me as a person, she is there financially but that's not what I'm looking for. I guess I will just have to take what I can get and figure the rest out on my own.
Cleaning up helps me clear my mind so I guess that's my plan until I can figure my life out because I just keep making mistake after mistake and I honestly have no idea where to go from here.
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