i don't think they care

the weekend was hard for me. granted i had a lovely thanksgiving, and checked in with my family so i know they did too. my brother even had thanksgiving with his in-laws who looked up a traditional american menu on line and sand him the star-spangled banner. i thought that was hilarious. he loves it in nz and visiting his wife's family is always good. except this time they were there for her father's funeral so it was a bittersweet visit. still, they'll be heading home to london in a few days and i'm glad that they both had something fun to break through the grief for a little while.  but my mood was all over the place. really low, then okay, then low again. lots of anxiety. i am once more out of meds and can't set a  p-doc in the area to talk to me let alone get in for an appointment. sometimes i wonder why i'm trying so hard if the tools to help me are continually denied me. if i can't pull it together then i fear the worst and what will all those professionals say then. why can't they care when i'm reaching out and in trouble.  i'm just so tired.