I don't think I'm going to make it
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost. I just feel unloved and unwanted and stuck with the people that make me feel that way.
I can't stop crying. Ever since I closed my shop I have been more and more miserable. I wake up in a panic attack every day. And now I'm getting put down for that. The emotional and verbal abuse from my children is literally killing me. I can' function. I am sick to my stomach , my head hurts. I can't go anywhere because I totaled my car a couple of weeks ago. It was a terrible accident and I almost went off the bridge. I thought I was going to die. You'de think that coming that close to losing their mother would matter. But, it doesn't, I don't matter.
My son keeps telling me how much he doesn't care about me. My dad has never been a kind person. He has spent my life telling me what a screw up I am. And now I have to live with him and take care of him. He told me that if he had to do it again that he would have never married my mother. That tore me apart. I love my mom so much. I lost her when I was 18 and I haven't been ok since. No one was there for me then and noone is here for me now. I have never felt so alone or so lost.
I'm so scared that this is all there is to my life. I've been abused by men my whole life, now my son's are the abuser's. I have no one to turn to. No one to help.
This house was my mothers and left to me and my brother with the stipulation that dad could live here as long as he liked. Well, she died in !979. Dad has sat in this huge house all that time by himself just to keep it away from me. He has let it just rot, and has filled it with garbage from floor to ceiling. He won't let me do so much as paint the smoke stained (apparently he had a fire in there and didn't fix anyting) bathroom walls.
I am living in my old bedroom. Literally living in there, like it's a boarding house. I can't use the living room....dad sit's in there all day and all night. He doesn't like the tv being on. So I am stuck in one room. I can't do anything around the house except to clean up after them and watch it fall apart. I don't have a car right now and no one is helping me look for one. And I am literally getting cussed out eveyday and put down for crying.
What's the point? I didn't get out of bed till 1 pm today. I kept waking up and just rolled back over. I don't want to be here anymore. There is never any happiness or joy only pain and sorrow. When did I lose my value? When did I become useless and not worthy of love or respect? When did I lose myself? And how do I find myself agiain , in the middle of this mess.
All there is is housework and house wife crap. That's not me. I have operated 4 business's of my own. I an not a stay at home kind of gal. And now I feel like I'm in prison. Even if it's only in my mind I feel like I am chained down. Like a slave.
I don't even know who I am anymore. And I am scared that I will never find that girl again. I see oher people enjoying their lives and their kids.........where did I go wrong? Why can't I have that? I watch the neighors with their kids and it makes me sad.
I had to raise my kids in a bad part of town in a broken down house. But, I did the best I could being a single parent with no help from their fathers. Now they seem determined to punish me for whatever I did wrong.
My ex husband was an abusive drug addict. It's been nearly ten years since I got rid of him (with the help of a court order), they won't let it go. They continue to throw him in my face. I can't change the past. And I can't make up for it. It's over, things are a lot better now. But, they won't let me move on.
I don't know what to do....all I can do is cry! I wish I could just disapear!
I can't stop crying. Ever since I closed my shop I have been more and more miserable. I wake up in a panic attack every day. And now I'm getting put down for that. The emotional and verbal abuse from my children is literally killing me. I can' function. I am sick to my stomach , my head hurts. I can't go anywhere because I totaled my car a couple of weeks ago. It was a terrible accident and I almost went off the bridge. I thought I was going to die. You'de think that coming that close to losing their mother would matter. But, it doesn't, I don't matter.
My son keeps telling me how much he doesn't care about me. My dad has never been a kind person. He has spent my life telling me what a screw up I am. And now I have to live with him and take care of him. He told me that if he had to do it again that he would have never married my mother. That tore me apart. I love my mom so much. I lost her when I was 18 and I haven't been ok since. No one was there for me then and noone is here for me now. I have never felt so alone or so lost.
I'm so scared that this is all there is to my life. I've been abused by men my whole life, now my son's are the abuser's. I have no one to turn to. No one to help.
This house was my mothers and left to me and my brother with the stipulation that dad could live here as long as he liked. Well, she died in !979. Dad has sat in this huge house all that time by himself just to keep it away from me. He has let it just rot, and has filled it with garbage from floor to ceiling. He won't let me do so much as paint the smoke stained (apparently he had a fire in there and didn't fix anyting) bathroom walls.
I am living in my old bedroom. Literally living in there, like it's a boarding house. I can't use the living room....dad sit's in there all day and all night. He doesn't like the tv being on. So I am stuck in one room. I can't do anything around the house except to clean up after them and watch it fall apart. I don't have a car right now and no one is helping me look for one. And I am literally getting cussed out eveyday and put down for crying.
What's the point? I didn't get out of bed till 1 pm today. I kept waking up and just rolled back over. I don't want to be here anymore. There is never any happiness or joy only pain and sorrow. When did I lose my value? When did I become useless and not worthy of love or respect? When did I lose myself? And how do I find myself agiain , in the middle of this mess.
All there is is housework and house wife crap. That's not me. I have operated 4 business's of my own. I an not a stay at home kind of gal. And now I feel like I'm in prison. Even if it's only in my mind I feel like I am chained down. Like a slave.
I don't even know who I am anymore. And I am scared that I will never find that girl again. I see oher people enjoying their lives and their kids.........where did I go wrong? Why can't I have that? I watch the neighors with their kids and it makes me sad.
I had to raise my kids in a bad part of town in a broken down house. But, I did the best I could being a single parent with no help from their fathers. Now they seem determined to punish me for whatever I did wrong.
My ex husband was an abusive drug addict. It's been nearly ten years since I got rid of him (with the help of a court order), they won't let it go. They continue to throw him in my face. I can't change the past. And I can't make up for it. It's over, things are a lot better now. But, they won't let me move on.
I don't know what to do....all I can do is cry! I wish I could just disapear!
Replies
Dearest Briste! You are going to make it! You are a strong woman! I can see that because of all that you have been through, all that you have accomplished and all that you have learned.
I am so sorry that you lost your shop. I bet that was your refuge, your safe spot, your accomplishments, your pride and joy.
I am so glad that you weren\'t hurt in the car accident. That must have been so scary.
My heart is breaking for you and I wish that there was something I could do physically for you. I can understand your hurt, pain and frustration. I think its terrible that you are being abused.
What kind of physical shape is your father in? Is he able to get around? Is he mentally ok?
My father, who is 94, is terrible to live with when I visit him. I have stayed for a month when my mom died and I thought I was going to have to be admitted to a psych ward. He is in great shape physically and mentally. If I misplaced a spoon, he went ballistic. So I can totally empathize with you.
If your dad is incapacitated can you get power of attorney and change your living situation. I don\'t know if you can afford to put him in a nursing home or not.
I just wish you could move out of there. But it doesn\'t sound like you can.
What does your brother say? Does he have a wife? Can they help you?
You need to find someone who is on your side that lives close by.
Don\'t be so hard on yourself about how your kids were raised. You did the best you could with what you had.
Maybe it\'s time to get rid of your sons with a court order. Maybe it\'s time to get rid of your dad too.
All I can send is hugs and support.
Are you seeing a counselor? Perhaps like me, you need some assertiveness help.
I am sorry, I don\'t know what to say to help you. Just know that I care about you and want to help however I can.
Jan