I don't think he's cheating, but...
A lot has happened since I last journaled back in October 2012. I am doing the stay at home mom thing again but not really by choice. I am currently 28 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child And I got laid off from my job. I am getting job attached Unemployment but $100 a week sucks when I was getting $600 a week. I guess it really was for the best though.
We are having a boy and are very excited. This pregnancy as been very hard on me though as I found out that I am highly anemic and have had 3 iron infusions and I'm also having some hypotension (my blood pressure goes way down when I go from sitting to standing). The worst part is that I have gained so much weight and I feel horrible about myself. I feel ugly and I can't hardly move. I am carrying this baby differently that my other 2 pregnancies and I can hardly bend over. I was told by my doctor that I can not stand for more that 15 minutes at a time. That makes grocery shopping very difficult. I am really starting to show but I just feel fat. I am very excited to meet this wonderful baby boy that is growing inside me, but I am also looking forward to not having lifting and standing restrictions and hopefully I can get back to my good weight again.
I have also been having horrible self image as well as low self esteem. I have the most wonderful husband and I know that there are a lot of women out that there would love to get their hands on him. i am feeling very insecure in our relationship. I love him more than anything and he tells me the same thing, but I have such bad trust issues from my previous marriage (I was cheated on).
Anyway, my husband is going to Nazarene Bible College to become a pastor and elementary school teacher. He really is an amazing man and I can see that is his calling. Where I am really struggling is that he is a very nice person and when he shows any attention to a woman I can sense that the woman might be feeling drawn to him. For example a woman that he worked with asked him to go to icecream after work one day. he didn't go, but it still really scares me.
The thing that is currently happening is that he is the VBS director at our church. He has been meeting with all the volunteers and last week he meet with one at the church at 430 and he didn't get home until almost 8 pm. That sure is a long time to just go over a few things. I am really trying to not get jealous but when this woman is getting more time with my husband I am not ok with that. This morning at church he met with all the volunteers together and this particular woman was there. He took them all downstairs to show them how everything is going to be set up and run. When everyone else came back up and 10 minutes later the two of them strolled in after everyone that really bothered me. I am just not ok with that. I don't spend time alone with other men.
Then when I got up from church to take our daughter to children's church I came back to see that my husband was not in the sanctuary and neither was this woman. When I found my husband he was coming out of the nursery area which is where she was. Why was he there? He didn't go with me to drop off our daughter in the children's church area so why did he end up there? I think he is sensing that I'm not happy about some things, but I'm scared to even say anything to him because I mentioned something a month ago about a different woman and he got really mad at me and didn't talk to me for a day. He said I was accusing him of cheating. I'm sure if that is what I'm doing or not but I don't really like what's going on.
I know he is going to have to talk to woman and maybe even one on one when he because an actual pastor, but I wonder if I'm just not cut out to be a pastor's wife because I get too jealous.
I asked my pastor's wife if we can meet so we can talk about things but she can't even meet until next Monday. I'm contemplating talking to my husband about how I'm feeling but I don't want to start a fight.
We are having a boy and are very excited. This pregnancy as been very hard on me though as I found out that I am highly anemic and have had 3 iron infusions and I'm also having some hypotension (my blood pressure goes way down when I go from sitting to standing). The worst part is that I have gained so much weight and I feel horrible about myself. I feel ugly and I can't hardly move. I am carrying this baby differently that my other 2 pregnancies and I can hardly bend over. I was told by my doctor that I can not stand for more that 15 minutes at a time. That makes grocery shopping very difficult. I am really starting to show but I just feel fat. I am very excited to meet this wonderful baby boy that is growing inside me, but I am also looking forward to not having lifting and standing restrictions and hopefully I can get back to my good weight again.
I have also been having horrible self image as well as low self esteem. I have the most wonderful husband and I know that there are a lot of women out that there would love to get their hands on him. i am feeling very insecure in our relationship. I love him more than anything and he tells me the same thing, but I have such bad trust issues from my previous marriage (I was cheated on).
Anyway, my husband is going to Nazarene Bible College to become a pastor and elementary school teacher. He really is an amazing man and I can see that is his calling. Where I am really struggling is that he is a very nice person and when he shows any attention to a woman I can sense that the woman might be feeling drawn to him. For example a woman that he worked with asked him to go to icecream after work one day. he didn't go, but it still really scares me.
The thing that is currently happening is that he is the VBS director at our church. He has been meeting with all the volunteers and last week he meet with one at the church at 430 and he didn't get home until almost 8 pm. That sure is a long time to just go over a few things. I am really trying to not get jealous but when this woman is getting more time with my husband I am not ok with that. This morning at church he met with all the volunteers together and this particular woman was there. He took them all downstairs to show them how everything is going to be set up and run. When everyone else came back up and 10 minutes later the two of them strolled in after everyone that really bothered me. I am just not ok with that. I don't spend time alone with other men.
Then when I got up from church to take our daughter to children's church I came back to see that my husband was not in the sanctuary and neither was this woman. When I found my husband he was coming out of the nursery area which is where she was. Why was he there? He didn't go with me to drop off our daughter in the children's church area so why did he end up there? I think he is sensing that I'm not happy about some things, but I'm scared to even say anything to him because I mentioned something a month ago about a different woman and he got really mad at me and didn't talk to me for a day. He said I was accusing him of cheating. I'm sure if that is what I'm doing or not but I don't really like what's going on.
I know he is going to have to talk to woman and maybe even one on one when he because an actual pastor, but I wonder if I'm just not cut out to be a pastor's wife because I get too jealous.
I asked my pastor's wife if we can meet so we can talk about things but she can't even meet until next Monday. I'm contemplating talking to my husband about how I'm feeling but I don't want to start a fight.
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