I don't like roller coaster rides anymore!

Day number three of this anxiety no anxiety roller coaster. I try to stay busy, I try to participate in some holiday preparations. Amazingly I do fairly well in the midst of the busy; however when I return I begin to tighten and have a hard time breathing. I miss you Pete so Much!!!!!
I have tried talking to you which usually will lessen the anxiety but today not so much. I tried writing and that actually heightened it. Breathing through it was just another temporary relief. I can't get up the energy or desire to do things now that I am at the house. I am not even sure Pete if its more Christmas or New Years that has my heart aching. Christmas was always about the kids with little things we did when they were through, but New Years....even if we went no where we had Our Special nite. I am actually afraid of what New Years eve will be like this year. Christmas is going to be bad enough; as you know none of the children can come home this year. 
Christmas marks month number 6 and I feel like I am stuck. No passion, no energy, no life progress. I am unemployed, have no place of my own, no money, no hugs, no kisses, no one telling me "its fine, it will be alright". I don't want to upset you, I want to make you proud but to who and how do I say that I am not sure where I am going nor do I know how I am getting there. The only job I know how to do I can no longer do; what will I do that will support myself? This just isn't how I thought it was supposed to be. I am scared!!!!