I don't know why to say

Oh I know in my last journal, I just rambled and probably will again...It seems that I am totally comsummed with death and dying.  I don't know that I was with Ken. But it seems I did start questioning so much about death and the purpose of it...Of course I know we can't live forever and maybe it is my age.  To even say I a70 just sounds so unreal to me.  I was taking a fun test on FB the other day on how long I would live...The answer was 84 ....but yet it seems I dwell on it all the time...where has the time gone...where has my life gone.  It seems impossible that mom is not just 70 and me 50 and just married and mom still getting around, doing her life and me rebuilding a new life and Ken was not gone and things seemed would be good. Even with problems with my marriage 21 years later we are still together, so we worked through those things.  Then I think about the 3 years after Ken had died and I barely existed, and now I seem I am back there again...trying to figure things out and survive.  How I loved my mom...and she me...and I miss her..I know it was her time in life, she had a full life.  I wonder about after death.  I have always believed one way and yet my mind questions everything now that I think I still believe.  I wonder, do others think about these things...I was with Ken when  he left this world and I was with Ken and they were the same yet different.  Both had an easy death if there is such a thing which I mean no struggling or gasping to breath.  And I wonder as I reflect on mom's last years she was in the nursing home.  She had some good times there yet the last year when she didn't want to eat or drink and we would (the doctor's, nurses, me) would wonder how she would survive, yet she did almost a year like that and it makes me wonder about my life future, yet I should be happy that I am and still am alive.  As our children who went way to soon for them, never made it to our ages....yet we are sad but we have that right to be sad.  We lost our child...I have really not lost a lot of family members in my life and the ones that passed I was mostly still under 20 so I have not been exposed to a lot...I haven't cried for mom..I wanted to but I don't...I know when Ken died I cried day and night...all the time and I still do at times....This is probably depression.  Roses are blooming, tulips are in full bloom..lilies are coming out(rabbits or something ate the tops of them)  Had them for several years..Decided to pull them up they were spreading so much, so figured some would come back..they did but something decided to eat the tops of them...Some has survived....If the cold we are having right now doesn't hurt the roses, I think the rose bush will be full this year...I have to get myself back to enjoying the beauty that is offered to us each day, whether it is sunshine, or rain, there is beauty.  I think what I am going through is normal..losing mom...I am so happy the the last few years we had together...I am happy for all of the life I had with her, but we were so close the last and I know I am missing not going to see her.  It is still like I feel I need t go see her, then remember she's gone...I don't know why I think I should be better, I guess I felt I knew her time was getting near ...and I feel I know I was prepared that I knew she lived a good long life.....different than when Ken died, he was still young, I felt he would be healed, I believed with my whole heart.  Even though I did not want to lose mom, we all know after certain age it is just a matter of time and she was almost 91.  Easter was good...well at least the Sat before Easter.  My DIL is having the Holidays and I yet to understand not have the holiday on the day it is...so instead of getting together Sunday, we go together on Sat.  It was very nice ...we went to my granddaughter's house...the little ones were so cute looking for the Easter Eggs...it's just it was not Easter Sunday.  I am like that for any holiday though, I feel it should be celebrated the day it is of course unless there is a reason you can't...Guess it was just my family tradition...but it was a good day anyway...with lots of food and and the brand new great-granddaughter...born April 6.  one month from the day mom passed...She is really a beauty...Life goes on doesn't it and somehow we lear to live i it ...Even in our darkest moments we still continue to go forward.....I know I am missing you mom...You were in my life and your loved me and i love you...I wll miss you.I love you Ken and I miss you......