I don't know how to deal with this....
I have 2 issue's that I am currently dealing with. One is with DS and the other is an issue with Jon. I am going to post both of these issue's in this journal entry in hopes that people who see it may have some advice. Any input is welcome and appreciated.
First the issue with DS.... I have posted to 3 groups on DS in the past few days, that I have gotten 0 replies with. In the "adoption" support group, I told my story as a birth mom with a different type of story, 0 replies... In the "Jealousy" support group, I posted about the issue that I am haviang with Jon, 0 replies, same with the "Relationships 101" support group.. 0 replies!!!
My question is, Should I discontinue my membership with these groups for lack of support or should I give it more time? The "adoption" post was created approximately 2 days ago, while the other two we're just posted this afternoon.
Now for my issue with Jon....
I don't know how to feel about this... I knew that my fiancee' had a video of him and his ex fiancée having sex on the computer. I told him how it made me feel and after about a week and a half or so, he finally deleted it off the computer. Come to find out a few weeks later, he has the same video on his phone. When I bring it up to him he says " I forget about it, until you bring it up" Now today, I had to transfer a file from our desktop onto the external hard drive, I was looking around (maybe I shouldn't have been snooping) and he's got a ton of picture's of her on there and 3 sexual video's of them together.... I feel like balling my eyes out. Why does he need to keep these? When we first got together, he mentioned to me that he considered her to be the love of his life, soul mate, and the best sex he's ever had. Now, he says that I am the love of his life and the best sex he's ever had, about the soul mate thing, he says that he doesn't believe in soul mate's anymore. I feel like I am paying the consequences for the things that she put him through when they were together. For example, he doesn't want to give me a key to the truck (a truck that I drive more than he does) because she left him in HIS vehicle and took ALL their money, he won't link me to the credit card for the same reason, and when I saw a ring I loved on a jewelry commercial the other day, he said he'd never buy a diamond again, because the last one that he bought is sitting in the bottom of the ocean. Then there's the affection issue, I constantly tell him how much I love him. How sexy he is to me, but the only time he gets serious about his love for me, is when he's drunk. Don't get me wrong, he tells me everyday, multiple times a day, that he loves me, and he's affectionate with me, but the mushy, affectionate stuff, only comes out when he's drunk. He's told me that he's afraid to express his true feelings because of the hurt he's been through in the past. We're getting married in March. On our 6 month anniversary. (no we didn't rush into things, we dated in high school and were forced to break up but kept in touch over the years, and finally got our chance to be together in Sept) I'm scared. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. I have already been married twice. I realize today that I didn't love either of them. That I didn't know what love meant, until Jon. He has shown me the meaning of true love, and unconditional love, but when we fight (which isn't often, we have only had 3 major fights since we've been together) he always threatens to or tries to throw me out. This last time was really bad. He started to pack my suitcase to make me leave.... I am trying to make changes in my life that I know I need to make. I.E. --- Doing more around the house, getting a job, not bring up his ex's, my jealousy and my insecurities, but I am scared out of my mind at the thought of losing him. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life before! Please help. All input welcome. Thanks...
First the issue with DS.... I have posted to 3 groups on DS in the past few days, that I have gotten 0 replies with. In the "adoption" support group, I told my story as a birth mom with a different type of story, 0 replies... In the "Jealousy" support group, I posted about the issue that I am haviang with Jon, 0 replies, same with the "Relationships 101" support group.. 0 replies!!!
My question is, Should I discontinue my membership with these groups for lack of support or should I give it more time? The "adoption" post was created approximately 2 days ago, while the other two we're just posted this afternoon.
Now for my issue with Jon....
I don't know how to feel about this... I knew that my fiancee' had a video of him and his ex fiancée having sex on the computer. I told him how it made me feel and after about a week and a half or so, he finally deleted it off the computer. Come to find out a few weeks later, he has the same video on his phone. When I bring it up to him he says " I forget about it, until you bring it up" Now today, I had to transfer a file from our desktop onto the external hard drive, I was looking around (maybe I shouldn't have been snooping) and he's got a ton of picture's of her on there and 3 sexual video's of them together.... I feel like balling my eyes out. Why does he need to keep these? When we first got together, he mentioned to me that he considered her to be the love of his life, soul mate, and the best sex he's ever had. Now, he says that I am the love of his life and the best sex he's ever had, about the soul mate thing, he says that he doesn't believe in soul mate's anymore. I feel like I am paying the consequences for the things that she put him through when they were together. For example, he doesn't want to give me a key to the truck (a truck that I drive more than he does) because she left him in HIS vehicle and took ALL their money, he won't link me to the credit card for the same reason, and when I saw a ring I loved on a jewelry commercial the other day, he said he'd never buy a diamond again, because the last one that he bought is sitting in the bottom of the ocean. Then there's the affection issue, I constantly tell him how much I love him. How sexy he is to me, but the only time he gets serious about his love for me, is when he's drunk. Don't get me wrong, he tells me everyday, multiple times a day, that he loves me, and he's affectionate with me, but the mushy, affectionate stuff, only comes out when he's drunk. He's told me that he's afraid to express his true feelings because of the hurt he's been through in the past. We're getting married in March. On our 6 month anniversary. (no we didn't rush into things, we dated in high school and were forced to break up but kept in touch over the years, and finally got our chance to be together in Sept) I'm scared. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. I have already been married twice. I realize today that I didn't love either of them. That I didn't know what love meant, until Jon. He has shown me the meaning of true love, and unconditional love, but when we fight (which isn't often, we have only had 3 major fights since we've been together) he always threatens to or tries to throw me out. This last time was really bad. He started to pack my suitcase to make me leave.... I am trying to make changes in my life that I know I need to make. I.E. --- Doing more around the house, getting a job, not bring up his ex's, my jealousy and my insecurities, but I am scared out of my mind at the thought of losing him. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life before! Please help. All input welcome. Thanks...
Replies
As for the DS posts, give it more time. From my understanding a lot (and i mean A LOT) of people are having trouble accessing their accounts. And you have to remember thanksgiving was this last week and a lot of people are out of town with families and such. Id give it about a week. If no replies then go from there.
As for the Jon thing.. i cant tell you what to do, i can tell you i have been in your shoes, actually more then i realized, I snooped in his phone (big mistake) i have jealousy issues when it comes to other women, but him keeping the porn around of her, tells me he isnt ready to move on. and if he wont have a healthy dialog with you and talk about things, maybe you should think about couples therapy before the wedding. Hes obvously hurting from his ex, and like i said i cant tell you what to do, all i can say is, Love should be unconditional, and his actions are not saying to you \" I LOVE YOU\" . I dont know what i would do in your shoes with jon, its apparent youre hurting because of his actions, maybe some couples therapy would help. or something similar. Im so sorry your hurting and i wish i could fix it for you. all i can say is you are wonderful and i hope things get better. Maybe writing things out will help you. like a pro\'s and cons list, or just simple \"things he does that hurt my feelings\" list. Sweetie.. i hope you feel better, and you find a way through this. My theory is \"True Love will always find a way\" Hugs!
*to clarify : My snooping was a big mistake, i am not saying yours was/is, and i am not judging you for \"snooping\" as you call it. Just wanted to make that clear Ellie :)
I agree with SugarBug on a few points; The DS posts, give it more time. I had joined the cancer group along with the families of SO\'s group. I got one reply from the cancer group and then nothing (maybe because they read my bio or my journal entry and found out about the SO group, but I\'m not sure). Now I mark my entries for friends only.
I also agree with the comment about Jon, it sounds like he is not ready to move on. His actions are not those of someone who loves unconditionally. Your snooping (not good), but you are engaged to be married, you shouldn\'t have to snoop, you should have total access. As for the jealousy, I am not a jealous person (anymore) but if my spouse had pictures and video\'s of an ex, I would not be happy. Maybe you should try couples therapy, before the wedding. His actions do not show unconditional love. I also think I see a pattern emerging, every time you argue, he threatens to throw you out. Maybe he does that to get you to back off???
I also have been in a similar relationship, but I cannot tell you what to do. I can tell you that I do not see a change in him without at least some therapy. For a marriage to survive, you need communication and trust. You are jealous (I think with reason) and he does not trust you due to past experience.
I am sorry that you are going through all of this.
I do have to voice my opinion, this does not sound like a healthy relationship for either of you. I cannot tell you what to do, but if it were me, I think I would postpone the wedding. Sorry hon, probably not what you want to hear. Keep in mind, that\' is what I would do, I am not you, you need to figure out what is best for you. Maybe Sugars idea of a pros and cons list could help you?
Hope you feel better. Remember, we are here for you.
It is true that real love usually finds a way.
I tend to only have time to check the groups I\'m in maybe once a week and do a dozen answers at once. I then add as a friend anyone with posts I seem to be good at answering and THEM I answer once a day or 2. So it may take a while to get your own little group going, if you see what I mean?
I think one reason people don\'t answer your posts is because you have a lot of different type of problems and they feel overwhelmed . I know I do! I mean..where to start...???It\'s hard for me to get a good understanding of what\'s really going on. It all sounds so confusing.
Try to keep your posts shorter and more to the point. Perhaps break them up according to question. That might help.- Are you in counseling? That would help they try to help sort things out for you and tackle one thing at a time.