i don\'t know how
i don't know how things got this bad... i was doing well for so long. i hadn't cried in a while and i was comfortable with where i was at... but lately it's all been rushing back. i cry every night again. i wish again that i died in the accident. it's like i'm back at the start and it's been so so long. i started seeing someone and he is such a good guy and everyone likes him but now i don't know if i want to be with him and i can't really figure out why. but a part of me thinks i just feel like he is an impostor trying to push his way into a place where CJ belongs. i thought by now i'd stop wanting all that. i'd stop wishing for that feeling back. being so in love it's tormenting and wonderful at the same time. he was always there. no matter what. a new boy came around and he would always make it known that he still loved me. and now he's so gone... forever. and i can't help that still he is all i want. and now an innocent guy is going to get hurt all because i'm so fucked in the head over CJ. i have been since the day i met him. my life was never the same and now here i sit .... year and half since he's been dead ... and he is still all i want in this world. i feel so helpless.
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i have the same feelings at times...and its not fair to my new boy but i also cannot change where my life is. but i want u to remember somethin darling--you deserve to smile. we\'ve both been thru a HELL of alot this past year n a half and until anyone else walks in ur exact shoes they cannot tell u how to feel so do what u need to do but also remember that CJ wants to see that beautiful smile of urs again and is behind you every single decision etc u make. remember, im here if u need anything..always!
-grethe-
smile cause you deserve to
i lost a best friend, not a boyfriend, in a car accident i survived. we\'d been friends literally our whole lives. after she died i drifted apart from a lot of my friends because they weren\'t the friend i\'d lost and were never going to be able to be her. i still have a difficult time forming new relationships because i don\'t want a new best friend, i want the one i had. and when i do meet people, i compare them to her memory, which is an impossible standard. even two and a half years later i still have days where i absolutely can\'t get out of bed or do anything but cry. i think we all go through the highs and the lows. i know there are still days where i wish that i had just died in my accident, too. you just have to trust your gut and let yourself feel. rebuilding a version of your old life certainly isn\'t easy, but you just have to take it a day at a time. take care of yourself and the rest will figure itself out in time.
thanks guys. i just wish that sometimes i didnt have to feel so dead inside.