i don\'t know how

i don't know how things got this bad... i was doing well for so long. i hadn't cried in a while and i was comfortable with where i was at... but lately it's all been rushing back. i cry every night again. i wish again that i died in the accident. it's like i'm back at the start and it's been so so long. i started seeing someone and he is such a good guy and everyone likes him but now i don't know if i want to be with him and i can't really figure out why. but a part of me thinks i just feel like he is an impostor trying to push his way into a place where CJ belongs. i thought by now i'd stop wanting all that. i'd stop wishing for that feeling back. being so in love it's tormenting and wonderful at the same time. he was always there. no matter what. a new boy came around and he would always make it known that he still loved me. and now he's so gone... forever. and i can't help that still he is all i want. and now an innocent guy is going to get hurt all because i'm so fucked in the head over CJ. i have been since the day i met him. my life was never the same and now here i sit .... year and half since he's been dead ... and he is still all i want in this world. i feel so helpless.