I don't know...
When I signed in last night I was surprised by someone responding to a journal entry. I don't know why God puts people in my path, but it was exactly what I needed at that moment. I don't know what is in store but I DO know the only way I will make it through this is with HIM and the support of friends and family.
I will see my dad in 3 days for the first time in almost 9 years. I am pretty excited about this as is my daughter. She met him when she was just 22 days old.
There's a long history between Dad's 2nd family and us. Mostly it's painful. I believe that it got easier to just not have a relationship than to put the energy into trying to have one...for both of us. I know he's always been up against the expectations of wife #2, at the same time faced with the obligations of 2 kids and an ex wife who had the backing of the courts to see he did what he was supposed to do. I can only imagine the vice grip that had on him through the years. He and I kind of drifted when I was 18 and came back together when I was about 22. We drifted apart again a couple years later. I caught up with him again when I was 28 and had his baby Grandson, not his first, but my first and he came to visit us in Chicago. There was a Christmas present that year and we drifted again. Forward 2 years later and we saw him for the 4th of july, complete with my sister. It was a nice visit. Nothing past that until I sent a card to let him know I was pregnant with my daughter. His responce wasn't pleasant and I let him off the hook at that point. He contacted me that Thanksgiving because he wanted to see his granddaughter. That was the last time until my Mom died this April.
I think he's being sincere when he says he's really wanting to not dwell on the pains of our past and would like to just go forward and be family for the future. I pray he's sincere. I don't want to open my children up to what I've had to deal with all these years. They have been through enough in their lives, especially lately, and I think the on again off again would be particularly hard for them to deal with. I love my Dad and told him at the time we split apart last, that I was here when he was ready to try again without unearthing all the past hurts. I meant it then and I am glad he's open to it now. I think Mom would like what we're doing. I'm sure it's bittersweet for her because it couldn't happen while she was here.
Dad is also up against what I perceive as resistance from his current wife. She has never been fond of the idea that he had to be shared with those who came first. He divorced us because she was pregnant with my first little sister. As a 8 year old, there's nothing better in the world than to have a baby sister. Then I got 2 baby sisters! As far as I was concerned, life was sweet! I had all the love and support of my family and my childhood best friends, and Dad was off making me a bigger family.
What I never knew at the time was the struggle between Mom and Dad...and his Wife. Mom always protected us from the crap parts of life. It was just who she was. When you hit a certain age I guess you either pay more attention or you just have a greater connection to the details in your life. I saw more of her struggle and understood more of what we were up against in the world. She would never say anything derrogatory about him, but it was a constant struggle to get our needs met. I know now that wasn't really Dad. It was what it was though and because of my Mother's grace I didn't have to deal with any of it when she did.
I learned early on how to swallow the pain and my pride to be able to do what needed to be done. I learned from her example how to have grace in any situation and I learned how to forgive even when I can't or shouldn't forget. Maybe dysfuncional thinking, but it works for me.
I pray for God's grace in all things and I know that this part of my journey is just that...another page of my story. It will work out one way or another. I hope to have fun with it and enjoy the ride.
I will see my dad in 3 days for the first time in almost 9 years. I am pretty excited about this as is my daughter. She met him when she was just 22 days old.
There's a long history between Dad's 2nd family and us. Mostly it's painful. I believe that it got easier to just not have a relationship than to put the energy into trying to have one...for both of us. I know he's always been up against the expectations of wife #2, at the same time faced with the obligations of 2 kids and an ex wife who had the backing of the courts to see he did what he was supposed to do. I can only imagine the vice grip that had on him through the years. He and I kind of drifted when I was 18 and came back together when I was about 22. We drifted apart again a couple years later. I caught up with him again when I was 28 and had his baby Grandson, not his first, but my first and he came to visit us in Chicago. There was a Christmas present that year and we drifted again. Forward 2 years later and we saw him for the 4th of july, complete with my sister. It was a nice visit. Nothing past that until I sent a card to let him know I was pregnant with my daughter. His responce wasn't pleasant and I let him off the hook at that point. He contacted me that Thanksgiving because he wanted to see his granddaughter. That was the last time until my Mom died this April.
I think he's being sincere when he says he's really wanting to not dwell on the pains of our past and would like to just go forward and be family for the future. I pray he's sincere. I don't want to open my children up to what I've had to deal with all these years. They have been through enough in their lives, especially lately, and I think the on again off again would be particularly hard for them to deal with. I love my Dad and told him at the time we split apart last, that I was here when he was ready to try again without unearthing all the past hurts. I meant it then and I am glad he's open to it now. I think Mom would like what we're doing. I'm sure it's bittersweet for her because it couldn't happen while she was here.
Dad is also up against what I perceive as resistance from his current wife. She has never been fond of the idea that he had to be shared with those who came first. He divorced us because she was pregnant with my first little sister. As a 8 year old, there's nothing better in the world than to have a baby sister. Then I got 2 baby sisters! As far as I was concerned, life was sweet! I had all the love and support of my family and my childhood best friends, and Dad was off making me a bigger family.
What I never knew at the time was the struggle between Mom and Dad...and his Wife. Mom always protected us from the crap parts of life. It was just who she was. When you hit a certain age I guess you either pay more attention or you just have a greater connection to the details in your life. I saw more of her struggle and understood more of what we were up against in the world. She would never say anything derrogatory about him, but it was a constant struggle to get our needs met. I know now that wasn't really Dad. It was what it was though and because of my Mother's grace I didn't have to deal with any of it when she did.
I learned early on how to swallow the pain and my pride to be able to do what needed to be done. I learned from her example how to have grace in any situation and I learned how to forgive even when I can't or shouldn't forget. Maybe dysfuncional thinking, but it works for me.
I pray for God's grace in all things and I know that this part of my journey is just that...another page of my story. It will work out one way or another. I hope to have fun with it and enjoy the ride.
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