I don't even know anymore...
Soo... I'm sure anyone whose been reading my journals has been wondering, what happened?
Long story condensed incredibly short: This girl I really like and have liked for a long time became single again.. She was also a good friend (sadly, "was" should be italicized in this instance). I've been there for her all through this break up. It was pretty bad and we were all worried for her.. Well, when she finally seemed to have recovered and she told me she was ready to date again I finally asked her out... This is actually the second time I've asked her out, the first time was shortly before she got together with this most recent ex... Both times she said yes... Well, the day after I asked her out some guy she says she's had a crush on for a year asked her out too...
I wish I had just left her alone after that.... Now I wish I had never even asked her out or told her I've liked her for a long time (which I did).... I know the guy... They're together now (yes, it's only been a few days). He's really not the kind of guy I would have ever wanted to see her with... I should have just left her alone as soon as she got back!
I've felt a depression coming on for months now but surprisingly it didn't finally hit until about a week ago. I was getting many random symptoms without the emotional distress... Before that I was in a weird place emotionally. A lot of bad things have happened recently but I haven't been reactive to any of it. I lost both jobs and my home. One job was just a temporary job but still. They found a new caretaker and didn't need me anymore.. My uncle had just suddenly taken all of my grandparents retirement money for himself so my dad couldn't pay me to watch my grandparents anymore. Then he kicked me out... rather completely and invasively. I was only gone for two days and all my shit in a pile of boxes in the corner. They had taken over my room and just moved right in. I would have been homeless if it weren't for the girl I mentioned above. She needed someone to house sit and keep her pets happy. It worked out. I got the caretaker position at the cat sanctuary I was working for and now I live here. I moved in just a few days after she got back.
I'm not going to lie, I have been in pain... but it feels like someone has given me a strong pain killer or something.. I'm aware of the pain. I'm aware of how sever it is and how badly it should be effecting me... but without even trying I've been soooo blank and still. My emotions are somehow under control, though I'm seriously not even sure how. My mind hasn't been focused at all, my body has become sooo sluggish that I had trouble getting out of bed this morning... but so far only one breakdown since I found out who the other guy was and about their relationship. I've been feeling sooo strange...
Admittedly my own feelings scare the shit out of me. I've experienced pretty severe depressions in the past that lasted for what seemed like centuries... I've had breakdowns sooo bad that they effected me physically. I've been soooo overloaded with emotional pain that I just stopped eating because even if I tried it just upset my stomach and even the smell of my favorite food would make me nauseous. I no longer felt hunger anymore. I've had my own feelings effect me so deeply and badly that I started hearing and seeing things. When I get depressed I don't really sleep. No matter how hard I try I will only get about 4 hours at most. I'll want more than anything to just be able to sleep... But this time, not even the over-the-counter sleeping pills work anymore. Last time I took it I still only got 3 hours. Alcohol and weed only seem towork unpredictably but the weed has been extremely helpful. I feel like weed is keeping my sane somehow. Maybe this is what's dulling the pain so much so that I'm actually functional.
The worst breakdown I have ever had was a few years ago. At the time I had only recently started having these emotional "breakdowns" as I call them. These intense periods of crying uncontrollably, often I shake, my head, eyes and chest hurt like crazy.. well, it depends on how bad the breakdown is.. but this one, it did something.. I felt paralyzed, shaking uncontrollably, negative emotions just pouring out of me with such incredible intensity that it really started messing with my head. It lasted longer than usual and it started to seem like nothing I could see or feel was real... like this was all some sort of horrible nightmare. Everything took on this weird, uncomfortable fakeness... I felt like I knew the only way to wake up would be to kill myself but I couldn't move.. could barely even breathe.
Yeah, last time I had depression, I had it pretty intensely bad and it lasted for years and years. I felt like it was wearing me down. I couldn't fight it off anymore Then I started taking this supplement meant to help you concentrate and retain memory. Well it turns out as a side effect it can also help a lot with depression and so thanks to that drug I finally made it out alive. I stopped taking it after a while and for the most part I just seemed to improve... and for the past two months I've been back on it again. I took myself off of it once I started having emotional breakdowns again because I figured my underlying condition had finally managed to overpower it. So why waste such a useful drug right?
Well, for a few days I was fine again... just fine.. not completely better, not nearly 100%, just fine. Then I found out today who the guy was and although I've made it through the day ok I finally collapsed. Admittedly though, I wasn't doing well yesterday either. I was coming off of a number of elicit drugs, all of which are illegal. I needed a high.. I needed some way of not feeling like this. I would have taken pretty much anything that was put under my nose. Thankfully I only do stuff like this around good (mostly)trustworthy friends.
I don't have enough weed to last me until I can get more... I don't even have enough for tonight. It's been helping me a lot, but without it Idk what I'll be like now.. I'm already unstable... I don't even want to fight this depression this time. I just want to fade away.
Originally I meant this journal to be a collection of thoughts on what to say to this woman whose name I will not mention for obvious reasons. I was going to write out my feelings for her, edit, change, figure out what I wanted to say... but finding out who she chose over me.. I know it's shallow, I shouldn't feel this way about it but it is what she did. I don't think I have words for this anymore. I don't know what to say to her anymore. She doesn't know how badly this hurts me.. she doesn't really even know I'm depressed. I left things on a good note.. I can't help but feel like I should talk to her. Like I should show her how I've been feeling or something... Part of me just wants to burn this bridge down.. part of me wants to just run away. Throw away, delete, and otherwise get rid of everything and just go..
I am afraid of how I've been feeling... scared even of my own thoughts these days. I feel strange... can't keep the dark thoughts from coming up anymore... I know I'm only putting myself more in harms way... creating my own dangers and keeping myself in an increasingly more and more dangerous state of mind. I live alone,... I'm never sober and I wish to god I had some booze here.. lots of booze.. and weed.. and drugs.. anything! I even bought a pack of cigarettes but couldn't make it past the first three so I gave it away. I'm not safe like this but... it's not even like I have no one to turn to, it's just that I'm choosing to stay silent... I have considered contacting my health insurance to find out if it would cover mental health and then maybe contact a psychiatrist..
Long story condensed incredibly short: This girl I really like and have liked for a long time became single again.. She was also a good friend (sadly, "was" should be italicized in this instance). I've been there for her all through this break up. It was pretty bad and we were all worried for her.. Well, when she finally seemed to have recovered and she told me she was ready to date again I finally asked her out... This is actually the second time I've asked her out, the first time was shortly before she got together with this most recent ex... Both times she said yes... Well, the day after I asked her out some guy she says she's had a crush on for a year asked her out too...
I wish I had just left her alone after that.... Now I wish I had never even asked her out or told her I've liked her for a long time (which I did).... I know the guy... They're together now (yes, it's only been a few days). He's really not the kind of guy I would have ever wanted to see her with... I should have just left her alone as soon as she got back!
I've felt a depression coming on for months now but surprisingly it didn't finally hit until about a week ago. I was getting many random symptoms without the emotional distress... Before that I was in a weird place emotionally. A lot of bad things have happened recently but I haven't been reactive to any of it. I lost both jobs and my home. One job was just a temporary job but still. They found a new caretaker and didn't need me anymore.. My uncle had just suddenly taken all of my grandparents retirement money for himself so my dad couldn't pay me to watch my grandparents anymore. Then he kicked me out... rather completely and invasively. I was only gone for two days and all my shit in a pile of boxes in the corner. They had taken over my room and just moved right in. I would have been homeless if it weren't for the girl I mentioned above. She needed someone to house sit and keep her pets happy. It worked out. I got the caretaker position at the cat sanctuary I was working for and now I live here. I moved in just a few days after she got back.
I'm not going to lie, I have been in pain... but it feels like someone has given me a strong pain killer or something.. I'm aware of the pain. I'm aware of how sever it is and how badly it should be effecting me... but without even trying I've been soooo blank and still. My emotions are somehow under control, though I'm seriously not even sure how. My mind hasn't been focused at all, my body has become sooo sluggish that I had trouble getting out of bed this morning... but so far only one breakdown since I found out who the other guy was and about their relationship. I've been feeling sooo strange...
Admittedly my own feelings scare the shit out of me. I've experienced pretty severe depressions in the past that lasted for what seemed like centuries... I've had breakdowns sooo bad that they effected me physically. I've been soooo overloaded with emotional pain that I just stopped eating because even if I tried it just upset my stomach and even the smell of my favorite food would make me nauseous. I no longer felt hunger anymore. I've had my own feelings effect me so deeply and badly that I started hearing and seeing things. When I get depressed I don't really sleep. No matter how hard I try I will only get about 4 hours at most. I'll want more than anything to just be able to sleep... But this time, not even the over-the-counter sleeping pills work anymore. Last time I took it I still only got 3 hours. Alcohol and weed only seem towork unpredictably but the weed has been extremely helpful. I feel like weed is keeping my sane somehow. Maybe this is what's dulling the pain so much so that I'm actually functional.
The worst breakdown I have ever had was a few years ago. At the time I had only recently started having these emotional "breakdowns" as I call them. These intense periods of crying uncontrollably, often I shake, my head, eyes and chest hurt like crazy.. well, it depends on how bad the breakdown is.. but this one, it did something.. I felt paralyzed, shaking uncontrollably, negative emotions just pouring out of me with such incredible intensity that it really started messing with my head. It lasted longer than usual and it started to seem like nothing I could see or feel was real... like this was all some sort of horrible nightmare. Everything took on this weird, uncomfortable fakeness... I felt like I knew the only way to wake up would be to kill myself but I couldn't move.. could barely even breathe.
Yeah, last time I had depression, I had it pretty intensely bad and it lasted for years and years. I felt like it was wearing me down. I couldn't fight it off anymore Then I started taking this supplement meant to help you concentrate and retain memory. Well it turns out as a side effect it can also help a lot with depression and so thanks to that drug I finally made it out alive. I stopped taking it after a while and for the most part I just seemed to improve... and for the past two months I've been back on it again. I took myself off of it once I started having emotional breakdowns again because I figured my underlying condition had finally managed to overpower it. So why waste such a useful drug right?
Well, for a few days I was fine again... just fine.. not completely better, not nearly 100%, just fine. Then I found out today who the guy was and although I've made it through the day ok I finally collapsed. Admittedly though, I wasn't doing well yesterday either. I was coming off of a number of elicit drugs, all of which are illegal. I needed a high.. I needed some way of not feeling like this. I would have taken pretty much anything that was put under my nose. Thankfully I only do stuff like this around good (mostly)trustworthy friends.
I don't have enough weed to last me until I can get more... I don't even have enough for tonight. It's been helping me a lot, but without it Idk what I'll be like now.. I'm already unstable... I don't even want to fight this depression this time. I just want to fade away.
Originally I meant this journal to be a collection of thoughts on what to say to this woman whose name I will not mention for obvious reasons. I was going to write out my feelings for her, edit, change, figure out what I wanted to say... but finding out who she chose over me.. I know it's shallow, I shouldn't feel this way about it but it is what she did. I don't think I have words for this anymore. I don't know what to say to her anymore. She doesn't know how badly this hurts me.. she doesn't really even know I'm depressed. I left things on a good note.. I can't help but feel like I should talk to her. Like I should show her how I've been feeling or something... Part of me just wants to burn this bridge down.. part of me wants to just run away. Throw away, delete, and otherwise get rid of everything and just go..
I am afraid of how I've been feeling... scared even of my own thoughts these days. I feel strange... can't keep the dark thoughts from coming up anymore... I know I'm only putting myself more in harms way... creating my own dangers and keeping myself in an increasingly more and more dangerous state of mind. I live alone,... I'm never sober and I wish to god I had some booze here.. lots of booze.. and weed.. and drugs.. anything! I even bought a pack of cigarettes but couldn't make it past the first three so I gave it away. I'm not safe like this but... it's not even like I have no one to turn to, it's just that I'm choosing to stay silent... I have considered contacting my health insurance to find out if it would cover mental health and then maybe contact a psychiatrist..
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