I don't even know.
I'm freaking out. Really freaking out. I'm not even sure that I'm really typing, or know whatr I'm doing....I'm just in fits of tears and I can't stop.
Nothing is making it stop.
I hate myself so much.
I hate it all.
I hate him.
Both of them... all of them.
They abused me. They have ruined my life. Nothing will ever be the same.
"The best years of my life" have been spent naively in pain and torture without any real adult understanding. I will never get those years back. And every day that goes by where there is still pain and blood and tears I hate it all the more. I realise just how much of my ONE LIFE has been taken away from me... all because I wasn't worth that bit more... i wasn't worth my own health, my own dignity, my own feelings... any of it.
And they get to live their lives. Maybe in guilt, maybe not, who knows. But I have to suffer. And not only that, i have to drag the ones I love down with me. That's probably the worst part. I WANT TO BE MORE NORMAL. I don't want to be "The crazy one" I want to not worry about what I say to the man I love. There are awful things locked up inside me and I have nowhere to put them. I don't feel like I can. I feel like the longer it all sits the more rotting and decayed my insides become. These are things I can't even admit to myself. Things I can't believe happened. But they did.
And right now I feel exactly how they wanted me to. Broken and worthless. I can't stop crying. I hate this place, but it's all I've known for 19 years until I went to university... 30 minutes away. Is there anywhere I can run? Anywhere I can take the few I love by the hand and take them with me to a place without pain? I didn't think so. Especially not because a lot of those people are happy here, and why shouldn't they be? They have some great memories in this place we all grow up, as do I... but they are all slowly being poisoned with the knowledge of what was going on when all my friends went home. I think about fun times I had with friends, who was there...? One of them was, when he was my friend. I pick a different time, and I remember I had to leave early because my boyfriend at the time was getting jealous, and I'd never hear the end of it no matter what. I pick a different time, I remember all the verbal abuse... then the physical... then everything. I just keep remembering more and more, my inner walls are falling down and I can feel it and it's so explosive and terrifying that I can't keep it in.I feel so helplessly unclean that I think about death. How cleansing that would be. But I know. I know what I've told everyone I've ever saved. "You'd not even be able to enjoy it. You wouldn't even be able to enjoy having no problems, because you'd be dead, and there would be nothing, you wouldn't even be able to enjoy the comprehension of nothing..." etc.And mores the point... I can't leave the ones I truly love behind. The man I love, my family, those I can still call friends with any true conviction. I could never leave them. So I know that I'm not going to kill myself, this is no threat.
I just feel like I have to do something and nothing can be done. I feel dirty and wrong and no amount of bleach would fix it. I want to shave off all my hair and scrub all of my organs clean, sew up the awful wounds my surgeon regretfully declined to fix for my own good.
I want to cut off my own breasts.How wrong is that? How wrong am I? I hate this. I hate being told that I'm so strong, and that people are jealous of me.That they would kill to be me.
I'm that kind, that I would never swap with anyone.
Nothing is making it stop.
I hate myself so much.
I hate it all.
I hate him.
Both of them... all of them.
They abused me. They have ruined my life. Nothing will ever be the same.
"The best years of my life" have been spent naively in pain and torture without any real adult understanding. I will never get those years back. And every day that goes by where there is still pain and blood and tears I hate it all the more. I realise just how much of my ONE LIFE has been taken away from me... all because I wasn't worth that bit more... i wasn't worth my own health, my own dignity, my own feelings... any of it.
And they get to live their lives. Maybe in guilt, maybe not, who knows. But I have to suffer. And not only that, i have to drag the ones I love down with me. That's probably the worst part. I WANT TO BE MORE NORMAL. I don't want to be "The crazy one" I want to not worry about what I say to the man I love. There are awful things locked up inside me and I have nowhere to put them. I don't feel like I can. I feel like the longer it all sits the more rotting and decayed my insides become. These are things I can't even admit to myself. Things I can't believe happened. But they did.
And right now I feel exactly how they wanted me to. Broken and worthless. I can't stop crying. I hate this place, but it's all I've known for 19 years until I went to university... 30 minutes away. Is there anywhere I can run? Anywhere I can take the few I love by the hand and take them with me to a place without pain? I didn't think so. Especially not because a lot of those people are happy here, and why shouldn't they be? They have some great memories in this place we all grow up, as do I... but they are all slowly being poisoned with the knowledge of what was going on when all my friends went home. I think about fun times I had with friends, who was there...? One of them was, when he was my friend. I pick a different time, and I remember I had to leave early because my boyfriend at the time was getting jealous, and I'd never hear the end of it no matter what. I pick a different time, I remember all the verbal abuse... then the physical... then everything. I just keep remembering more and more, my inner walls are falling down and I can feel it and it's so explosive and terrifying that I can't keep it in.I feel so helplessly unclean that I think about death. How cleansing that would be. But I know. I know what I've told everyone I've ever saved. "You'd not even be able to enjoy it. You wouldn't even be able to enjoy having no problems, because you'd be dead, and there would be nothing, you wouldn't even be able to enjoy the comprehension of nothing..." etc.And mores the point... I can't leave the ones I truly love behind. The man I love, my family, those I can still call friends with any true conviction. I could never leave them. So I know that I'm not going to kill myself, this is no threat.
I just feel like I have to do something and nothing can be done. I feel dirty and wrong and no amount of bleach would fix it. I want to shave off all my hair and scrub all of my organs clean, sew up the awful wounds my surgeon regretfully declined to fix for my own good.
I want to cut off my own breasts.How wrong is that? How wrong am I? I hate this. I hate being told that I'm so strong, and that people are jealous of me.That they would kill to be me.
I'm that kind, that I would never swap with anyone.
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