I Died Too
I have a picture of Bill and me.... on my screensaver. A picture of WE. As the picture flashed by again this afternoon my eyes were drawn more to me than to Bill. Because I realized for the first time that the me in the picture has died too.
Bill died and I did too. My life in that photo is gone. And the woman is not me anymore. Because she was part of a team.
All that is left is a woman that I don't really know.
I don't want to be her.
I really just don't want to be her.
I am at the one year + 2 wk mark and am living my life as Bill's wife and as my children's mother.
Saying good bye, letting go..........whatever you call it............that seems like turning my back on Bill and on our life. I just won't do it. I will not erase our life and our love.
Bill died and I did too. My life in that photo is gone. And the woman is not me anymore. Because she was part of a team.
All that is left is a woman that I don't really know.
I don't want to be her.
I really just don't want to be her.
I am at the one year + 2 wk mark and am living my life as Bill's wife and as my children's mother.
Saying good bye, letting go..........whatever you call it............that seems like turning my back on Bill and on our life. I just won't do it. I will not erase our life and our love.
Replies
I am SO TRULY SORRY that you are in so much pain. I wish I had the right words to say to make all the pain go away if just for a moment, but we know that it just doesn\'t work that way.
I understand what yuo are saying with your eloquent words of \'She died too\". In a sense I too, feel that way when I look at the pictures of my Greg and I and our life together. A life that we made....TOGETHER. When I look at those pictures, it\'s extrememly hard, because that \"life\' seems so far away. sometimes I wonder who that woman is now? I don\'t KNOW her. But then I know I used to....before.
Everything is so different. Every dealing I have now, every friend I talk to, even in family dealings and functions, I look to see him, and he is not there. the memory is.
I don\'t think you ever have to let go of the sweet love you had with your Bill. I never will with my Greg. for myself, I don\'t know what the term means as to \"letting them go\". It could just mean letting go of the pain, and sorrow, as much as moving forward to something in this life that is different. Neither are wrong. Just has to be RIGHT for the person who has lost their love.
The only person you EVER have to make happy...is yourself, and however YOU choose to do that is the right thing FOR YOU.
Even though my friend, if you ever do choose to take any step in another direction, know please that you will never erase your Bill. He will always live on in your heart, and will be with you inwhatever you do, and in any path you ever choose to take. they are never erased. they grow with us, and travel with us as long as we are here to take them along.
This really touched me. I hope you have a peaceful day. Diane
You are right..it is a life changing experience and we are never the same. I loved the life that I had and the person that I was. Losing Bear was like losing part of me. It is hard to be alone and still in love. I just can\'t stop asking why.
I hope you can find your own way. Good luck. Hugs, Nancy
you need to get to know the new you. You might just be surprised at who she is. Diane
I know what you mean...half of us was taken with them when they left us but I do know in my heart that our husbands would want us to find ourselves again... some how... some way. I haven`t figured it out yet but I hope we do because living like this isn`t working. I am sending you my prayers and positive thoughts for our future, sending you hugs Lu Ann
I know it so difficult. The pain is so great. I also know you are questioning your faith. But hold on to the lord. We may not know all the answers right now but believe with all your heart. Its the only way I am making it. I know my husband was a man of God and I know where he is and with Gods promise I will see him again. I have too. Right now I pray for guidence and I will pray for you to ease your pain.
There is is no way around the pain that you naturally feel or get over it. We can only go through it to help us heal. Edie
\"...The poem is my interior world. So changed. Rearranged. Sorted. Much, much dissolving and disappearing.
There is no going back. There is no \"before\" anymore. There is only now. Transformation through death.
There are some who want \"me\" back.
But she\'s dead too.
And so, the poem..\"
Dear Icezam19,
You read my poem \"The Portal\" a few weeks back and commented on it. I am including the above quote from a letter I wrote to a dear friend who I don\'t live near, unfortunately, but who I decided to send the poem to despite the fact that she is not a widow. She at least tries to \"get it\" and asks how I am, without judging or rushing me, without trying to \"fix me\'.
So, as you see, I concur. I died when JR died. There is nothing left of the life we created together, really. And yet, I am unwilling to change the structure at all. I feel impelled to carry on doing things the way \"we\" did them together or the way \"he\" would have wanted them done.
I do feel I know who I am. I was that lone woman before I met the love of my life. He came into my life and we built an amazing \"castle\" together. I love the life we built together and I miss it. I miss him, every minute, of every hour, of every day. I, too, absolutely cringe when I hear the word \"closure\". Why would I want to \"close\" what made me so happy? I use the word \"connection\". I want to feel connected, always. And I will do whatever it takes for me to feel that connection to the man I adored and who meant so much to me, who changed my life for the better. I want to honor him always.
You do not have to \"move on\", \"let go\", or anything else. You need to do whatever it takes to get through the rest of your life. And if that means living your life as Bill\'s wife, and the mother of your children, that is just FINE.
LOVE IS ETERNAL. That is why you are still in love with your husband who has passed on. I understand. So am I.
Thinking of you and sending you hugs, good wishes, and solace. xx BB
\"...The poem is my interior world. So changed. Rearranged. Sorted. Much, much dissolving and disappearing.
There is no going back. There is no \"before\" anymore. There is only now. Transformation through death.
There are some who want \"me\" back.
But she\'s dead too.
And so, the poem..\"
Dear Icezam19,
You read my poem \"The Portal\" a few weeks back and commented on it. I am including the above quote from a letter I wrote to a dear friend who I don\'t live near, unfortunately, but who I decided to send the poem to despite the fact that she is not a widow. She at least tries to \"get it\" and asks how I am, without judging or rushing me, without trying to \"fix me\'.
So, as you see, I concur. I died when JR died. There is nothing left of the life we created together, really. And yet, I am unwilling to change the structure at all. I feel impelled to carry on doing things the way \"we\" did them together or the way \"he\" would have wanted them done.
I do feel I know who I am. I was that lone woman before I met the love of my life. He came into my life and we built an amazing \"castle\" together. I love the life we built together and I miss it. I miss him, every minute, of every hour, of every day. I, too, absolutely cringe when I hear the word \"closure\". Why would I want to \"close\" what made me so happy? I use the word \"connection\". I want to feel connected, always. And I will do whatever it takes for me to feel that connection to the man I adored and who meant so much to me, who changed my life for the better. I want to honor him always.
You do not have to \"move on\", \"let go\", or anything else. You need to do whatever it takes to get through the rest of your life. And if that means living your life as Bill\'s wife, and the mother of your children, that is just FINE.
LOVE IS ETERNAL. That is why you are still in love with your husband who has passed on. I understand. So am I.
Thinking of you and sending you hugs, good wishes, and solace. xx BB
I was thinking about you earlier today . Hugs, Pam
Death is a seperation of the physical. The emotional will go on I believe. Bill may be gone, but you don\'t love him any less, you miss him more and remember what was. You will need to find what means work for you. We all grieve differently and no one way is better than another. We will all get through this in our own time and by our own means. I still love Frank and miss him, but I am to a point that I know I have to move forward and do it one day at a time. I still cry, and yell and wonder why. But its getting less, someone called it acceptance. I understand your pain and pray that things get better for you. I still plan on that road trip to the nursery soon. Hugs Jane
You will always love Bill, but you know he would want nothing more than your happiness in the years ahead. Marti loved to make me happy and now, from afar, she is guiding me and her children. She wants me to smile and laugh again. I know your Bill wants the same for you. Hugs, Kip.
You won\'t forget him. This is a promise from your heart. It is an impossibility. Finding you, why would this require an erasing of Bill. Why can it not be another example of how much he loved you. How much he gave you and how much you have gained because of him. I am going through something like this too. I can\'t put my finger on what it is I am feeling, it seems to be some kind of fear. I just don\'t know what it is that scares me. I know I won\'t forget him, I know that I am strong, so what is it? We will figure it out, I know we will.
I know that feeling, radioworld. We must all figure it out and I am thankful for DS friends who are willing to even talk about it!! Thanks guys.