I didn't have any where else to turn...
Ugh I am back because I didn't know where else to go.
First of all, I know that I am supposed to be taking a break from all of this but it is lingering in my background thoughts and I have reminders of my failure around me at all times.
So, today, I realised that work has yet again shafted me. My colleague who I was so happy to make peace with had in fact lied straight up to me and I am being edged out of a specialty field. I can only conclude from this shafting that I am indeed terrible at my job. My husband thinks it is because I am female and trying for children so they need to replace me with a male. What is the biggest kick in the guts is that I can't have kids so I may as well as be a male in works eyes. So I am going with my theory that I am shit at my job.
I feel so alone and isolated right now. I am in a foreign country, with hardly any friends (all of them have children so they have no idea what it is like to be classified as infertile), a job which I hate as I am not doing the specialty in which I have been trained, and a crushing sense that my husband would be better off without me. I don't know if anyone else ever feels like this, I know that he would make an amazing father-so wouldn't it make more sense for him to leave me and find someone that can have kids with him??
He is a doctor and is tied down in this country for the next two years at least and there are no other job opportunities here in this place for me so I don't know what to do. I know if I were to move back to my home country, I would be able to find a really good job in the field I want to be in (my old boss has already asked if I would come back!). So if I quit and stay here, he would have to support me financially. Surely he would be better off if I move back home and get a job and move on with my life so he can find someone that can give him kids?? I feel like I have let him down in every way possible. I don't deserve someone like him and I know for a fact that he would do heaps better than being with someone like me.
I am so sorry this is such a pathetic post-I just don't have anyone I can talk to about all this that would understand. I just wanted to know if anyone has ever felt like this? Like their husbands would be better of with someone else that doesn't have fertility issues?? Or is it just me because I know that my husband could do so much better??(he is so kind, loving, sincere, smart, funny and good looking whilst I am selfish, impulsive, stupid, obese, unattractive, highly emotional and irrational) Seriously, I am not exaggerating. I don't know what else to do. Should I leave him?? He doesn't want me to but I just think he could do so much better and actually have a shot at having a family and being happy.
First of all, I know that I am supposed to be taking a break from all of this but it is lingering in my background thoughts and I have reminders of my failure around me at all times.
So, today, I realised that work has yet again shafted me. My colleague who I was so happy to make peace with had in fact lied straight up to me and I am being edged out of a specialty field. I can only conclude from this shafting that I am indeed terrible at my job. My husband thinks it is because I am female and trying for children so they need to replace me with a male. What is the biggest kick in the guts is that I can't have kids so I may as well as be a male in works eyes. So I am going with my theory that I am shit at my job.
I feel so alone and isolated right now. I am in a foreign country, with hardly any friends (all of them have children so they have no idea what it is like to be classified as infertile), a job which I hate as I am not doing the specialty in which I have been trained, and a crushing sense that my husband would be better off without me. I don't know if anyone else ever feels like this, I know that he would make an amazing father-so wouldn't it make more sense for him to leave me and find someone that can have kids with him??
He is a doctor and is tied down in this country for the next two years at least and there are no other job opportunities here in this place for me so I don't know what to do. I know if I were to move back to my home country, I would be able to find a really good job in the field I want to be in (my old boss has already asked if I would come back!). So if I quit and stay here, he would have to support me financially. Surely he would be better off if I move back home and get a job and move on with my life so he can find someone that can give him kids?? I feel like I have let him down in every way possible. I don't deserve someone like him and I know for a fact that he would do heaps better than being with someone like me.
I am so sorry this is such a pathetic post-I just don't have anyone I can talk to about all this that would understand. I just wanted to know if anyone has ever felt like this? Like their husbands would be better of with someone else that doesn't have fertility issues?? Or is it just me because I know that my husband could do so much better??(he is so kind, loving, sincere, smart, funny and good looking whilst I am selfish, impulsive, stupid, obese, unattractive, highly emotional and irrational) Seriously, I am not exaggerating. I don't know what else to do. Should I leave him?? He doesn't want me to but I just think he could do so much better and actually have a shot at having a family and being happy.
Replies
Oh, Hon...I am so very sorry that you feel the way you feel. I can sympathize with what you are feeling, but in the end the major questions are \"Do you love your husband? And does he love you?\" If the answers are yes, then both of you will be able to make it through this. The job stress, I am sure, is not helping with you dealing with the decision with taking time off from trying for kids. I am not going to say it magically gets easier, but I do have to say the my husband and I have grown closer since our decision to stop trying and are slowly getting accustomed to being \"just a couple\". Yes, I too believe that my husband would be a fantastic father, but he also has a deep love for me and does not look at our inability to have children as a \"lack\" but rather a hurdle to overcome\' together, just like dealing with the death of my brother and his best friend. Life sucks and is rarely fair, but what we make of it is shows our true character. Although I am not you and do not know all that you have been through, I do feel that leaving your husband is not the best option, especially since he doesn\'t want you to leave. Please remember you bring more to your marriage than just the ability to have children; you are not less of a person because nature did not bless you with fertility.
As for your job...well, it is a job. It really is \'crap\' that you are getting passed over for the specialty that you have been trained for. My hope for you is that something much better opens up for you, but in the end a job is better than no job at all and beats cleaning public toilets (all of which I have personally experienced).
Keep your head up and take one breath at a time and that will lead to one day at a time. Healing is a process and you have to let it take the time it is going to take, Please take care of yourself and enjoy some quality time with your husband, after all you picked each other to share this crazy journey that we call life.
Stay strong...
I\'m so sorry you are feeling this way. I hate IF for so many reasons, and these feelings are one big reason. You aren\'t alone. I\'ve thought that so many times. I even said to my husband once that I was sorry I could give him a family, and I was about to tell him I wouldn\'t be upset with him if he chose to leave me. But before I could get those words out, he just said \"it\'s OK, we will figure something out\". For some reason it reminded me that I should not do his thinking for him. If he wanted to leave me, he would. But he said WE would figure SOMETHING out. Adoption, sperm/egg donation, draining our bank accounts... anything. We were in it together. I\'m sure your hubby feels the same way. No marriage is perfect, and all couples are faced with big hurdles to overcome. This one is yours. Your marriage will come out on top because you both are in this together. If the tables were turned, I\'m sure you wouldn\'t even think of leaving him, so I\'m sure he wouldn\'t even think of that too. Hang in there, and do what you can to treat yourself well.
Just as others have said, I\'m sorry you feel this way. But they are right, your marriage shouldn\'t be thrown away because of IF. You mean as much to your husband as he does to you, and you will find a way together.
But I do know somewhat of what you mean about being far from everyone you know. I moved across the US for my career. My husband of course came with me (he actually encouraged me to look for jobs here to begin with), even though we are far from any friends or family, and he HATES his job. I\'ve felt the same as you have been feeling. Like I\'m holding him back or that he would be better off with someone else. But honestly, I don\'t know if I could go through this without him, he is my rock.
Talk with your husband. It may seem a bit scary, but it really helps. You\'ll find that he may be feeling similar feelings. And with both of you feeling these feelings it can tear you apart without you even realizing it because you both will start to drift from each other. Don\'t let that happen. You have time and so many options. Love and support each other - even with the work stress.
I\'ll be thinking of you.