I did it...finally
I know some of you are going to read this and think I am crazy. Well... I have thought that for years so welcome to my world.
When MayLyn passed away seven years ago I was so devastated, as we all are and have been with the loss of our children that I could not bring myself to order her headstone. Oh, I tried...several times I walked into the monument place, full of good intnentions to make this purchase and each time I ran out of the place in tears and shaking so bad I could hardly stand on my own two feet. Wayne held me up and told me it was okay, I could get this done when I was ready.
My best friend had designed MayLyn's Name out of wire and we purchased an Angel at a market place years ago and those were what reprsented my daughter where we had buried her for the last seven years. When we would visit, everyone always brought something to MayLyn, a card, a note, flowers or candy. My neice had planted a bush with beautiful yellow flowers at the head of her place of rest and I let myself believe all these years that as long as we knew...it would be okay.
Well...it wasn't okay anymore. These past few weeks we went to AL to visit Dad and help him finalize all his lifes details, and yes I say "life" because I don't do well with the opposite word and I do not look at this the same as some folks do. We saw all the devastation that the tornados wreeked *sp on the area including my hometown and oh how we cried...but it made me realize something...don't ask me how...it just did. In the midst of all of this turmoil I had an epiphany....my Daughter LIVES!!! She lives through me, through Alexsis and through her children and the whole family. What the hell had I been thinking??? The headstone issue had become about me, not her...it represented so many issues that I had refused to deal with...the family was so tolerant of me for the last seven years...I am an ID10T!!!! I was blind to their needs and saw only my own selfish loss.
I realized that I wanted everyone and anyone that visited her place of rest to know her story, to know how vibrant she was and that for 25 years she had a wonderful life and did a damn good job being who she was. She deserved this much and I gave it to her immediatly. I am so ashamed of myself, for being so selfish and putting my family through so much extra pain and sorrow. And yes I cried when we went in and cried the whole time there, but I stood tall and firm and strong the whole time. It was glorious.
I felt all of this pressure release when we walked out, it still hurts but it's suppossed to right? I miss MayLyn in as many ways as there can be, but I have a whole family here that depends on me and they LIVE too, and it's nice to be needed and wanted...so I wish I would have done this a long time ago and I only have myself to blame for my lack of compassion on this issue. I am so sorry to my Daughter, she deserved the best and I made her wait for it.
I am glad it is done now and I feel really great about it, her children love it, their smiles were bright enough to light up everyones world that day and that pleased me completely. We put a vase to the side of her monument so she will always have fresh flowers...it is truly a beautiful sight.
Thanks for listening.....
Walking beside you always....
Jacqueline
P.S. Hey MayLyn....Miss you my sweets. XOXOXOXOX
When MayLyn passed away seven years ago I was so devastated, as we all are and have been with the loss of our children that I could not bring myself to order her headstone. Oh, I tried...several times I walked into the monument place, full of good intnentions to make this purchase and each time I ran out of the place in tears and shaking so bad I could hardly stand on my own two feet. Wayne held me up and told me it was okay, I could get this done when I was ready.
My best friend had designed MayLyn's Name out of wire and we purchased an Angel at a market place years ago and those were what reprsented my daughter where we had buried her for the last seven years. When we would visit, everyone always brought something to MayLyn, a card, a note, flowers or candy. My neice had planted a bush with beautiful yellow flowers at the head of her place of rest and I let myself believe all these years that as long as we knew...it would be okay.
Well...it wasn't okay anymore. These past few weeks we went to AL to visit Dad and help him finalize all his lifes details, and yes I say "life" because I don't do well with the opposite word and I do not look at this the same as some folks do. We saw all the devastation that the tornados wreeked *sp on the area including my hometown and oh how we cried...but it made me realize something...don't ask me how...it just did. In the midst of all of this turmoil I had an epiphany....my Daughter LIVES!!! She lives through me, through Alexsis and through her children and the whole family. What the hell had I been thinking??? The headstone issue had become about me, not her...it represented so many issues that I had refused to deal with...the family was so tolerant of me for the last seven years...I am an ID10T!!!! I was blind to their needs and saw only my own selfish loss.
I realized that I wanted everyone and anyone that visited her place of rest to know her story, to know how vibrant she was and that for 25 years she had a wonderful life and did a damn good job being who she was. She deserved this much and I gave it to her immediatly. I am so ashamed of myself, for being so selfish and putting my family through so much extra pain and sorrow. And yes I cried when we went in and cried the whole time there, but I stood tall and firm and strong the whole time. It was glorious.
I felt all of this pressure release when we walked out, it still hurts but it's suppossed to right? I miss MayLyn in as many ways as there can be, but I have a whole family here that depends on me and they LIVE too, and it's nice to be needed and wanted...so I wish I would have done this a long time ago and I only have myself to blame for my lack of compassion on this issue. I am so sorry to my Daughter, she deserved the best and I made her wait for it.
I am glad it is done now and I feel really great about it, her children love it, their smiles were bright enough to light up everyones world that day and that pleased me completely. We put a vase to the side of her monument so she will always have fresh flowers...it is truly a beautiful sight.
Thanks for listening.....
Walking beside you always....
Jacqueline
P.S. Hey MayLyn....Miss you my sweets. XOXOXOXOX
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