I did it...finally
I know some of you are going to read this and think I am crazy. Well... I have thought that for years so welcome to my world.
When MayLyn passed away seven years ago I was so devastated, as we all are and have been with the loss of our children that I could not bring myself to order her headstone. Oh, I tried...several times I walked into the monument place, full of good intnentions to make this purchase and each time I ran out of the place in tears and shaking so bad I could hardly stand on my own two feet. Wayne held me up and told me it was okay, I could get this done when I was ready.
My best friend had designed MayLyn's Name out of wire and we purchased an Angel at a market place years ago and those were what reprsented my daughter where we had buried her for the last seven years. When we would visit, everyone always brought something to MayLyn, a card, a note, flowers or candy. My neice had planted a bush with beautiful yellow flowers at the head of her place of rest and I let myself believe all these years that as long as we knew...it would be okay.
Well...it wasn't okay anymore. These past few weeks we went to AL to visit Dad and help him finalize all his lifes details, and yes I say "life" because I don't do well with the opposite word and I do not look at this the same as some folks do. We saw all the devastation that the tornados wreeked *sp on the area including my hometown and oh how we cried...but it made me realize something...don't ask me how...it just did. In the midst of all of this turmoil I had an epiphany....my Daughter LIVES!!! She lives through me, through Alexsis and through her children and the whole family. What the hell had I been thinking??? The headstone issue had become about me, not her...it represented so many issues that I had refused to deal with...the family was so tolerant of me for the last seven years...I am an ID10T!!!! I was blind to their needs and saw only my own selfish loss.
I realized that I wanted everyone and anyone that visited her place of rest to know her story, to know how vibrant she was and that for 25 years she had a wonderful life and did a damn good job being who she was. She deserved this much and I gave it to her immediatly. I am so ashamed of myself, for being so selfish and putting my family through so much extra pain and sorrow. And yes I cried when we went in and cried the whole time there, but I stood tall and firm and strong the whole time. It was glorious.
I felt all of this pressure release when we walked out, it still hurts but it's suppossed to right? I miss MayLyn in as many ways as there can be, but I have a whole family here that depends on me and they LIVE too, and it's nice to be needed and wanted...so I wish I would have done this a long time ago and I only have myself to blame for my lack of compassion on this issue. I am so sorry to my Daughter, she deserved the best and I made her wait for it.
I am glad it is done now and I feel really great about it, her children love it, their smiles were bright enough to light up everyones world that day and that pleased me completely. We put a vase to the side of her monument so she will always have fresh flowers...it is truly a beautiful sight.
Thanks for listening.....
Walking beside you always....
Jacqueline
P.S. Hey MayLyn....Miss you my sweets. XOXOXOXOX
When MayLyn passed away seven years ago I was so devastated, as we all are and have been with the loss of our children that I could not bring myself to order her headstone. Oh, I tried...several times I walked into the monument place, full of good intnentions to make this purchase and each time I ran out of the place in tears and shaking so bad I could hardly stand on my own two feet. Wayne held me up and told me it was okay, I could get this done when I was ready.
My best friend had designed MayLyn's Name out of wire and we purchased an Angel at a market place years ago and those were what reprsented my daughter where we had buried her for the last seven years. When we would visit, everyone always brought something to MayLyn, a card, a note, flowers or candy. My neice had planted a bush with beautiful yellow flowers at the head of her place of rest and I let myself believe all these years that as long as we knew...it would be okay.
Well...it wasn't okay anymore. These past few weeks we went to AL to visit Dad and help him finalize all his lifes details, and yes I say "life" because I don't do well with the opposite word and I do not look at this the same as some folks do. We saw all the devastation that the tornados wreeked *sp on the area including my hometown and oh how we cried...but it made me realize something...don't ask me how...it just did. In the midst of all of this turmoil I had an epiphany....my Daughter LIVES!!! She lives through me, through Alexsis and through her children and the whole family. What the hell had I been thinking??? The headstone issue had become about me, not her...it represented so many issues that I had refused to deal with...the family was so tolerant of me for the last seven years...I am an ID10T!!!! I was blind to their needs and saw only my own selfish loss.
I realized that I wanted everyone and anyone that visited her place of rest to know her story, to know how vibrant she was and that for 25 years she had a wonderful life and did a damn good job being who she was. She deserved this much and I gave it to her immediatly. I am so ashamed of myself, for being so selfish and putting my family through so much extra pain and sorrow. And yes I cried when we went in and cried the whole time there, but I stood tall and firm and strong the whole time. It was glorious.
I felt all of this pressure release when we walked out, it still hurts but it's suppossed to right? I miss MayLyn in as many ways as there can be, but I have a whole family here that depends on me and they LIVE too, and it's nice to be needed and wanted...so I wish I would have done this a long time ago and I only have myself to blame for my lack of compassion on this issue. I am so sorry to my Daughter, she deserved the best and I made her wait for it.
I am glad it is done now and I feel really great about it, her children love it, their smiles were bright enough to light up everyones world that day and that pleased me completely. We put a vase to the side of her monument so she will always have fresh flowers...it is truly a beautiful sight.
Thanks for listening.....
Walking beside you always....
Jacqueline
P.S. Hey MayLyn....Miss you my sweets. XOXOXOXOX
Replies
Kudos! We visit Morgan every Sunday, today we wiped the grass from her plaque and trimmed the edges...we also have a vase, filled with flowers, and yes, when anyone passed they know, they see how tend to her,,, I\'m glad you finally have a headstone..kudos!! I know it was hard,,Nora
Jacqueline, I think it is part of the process. When Ed\'s ashes were returned to me I could even open the package. It took me a month. Then I beat myself up for my lack of being able to deal with the pain and give Ed\'s ashes a final resting place. My grandson wanted his Dad\'s ashes to be buried and that made me go & pick out a stone with my grandchildren in a hurry because it was now November; Eddie passed away on September 4th and soon the ground would be too hard to bury Ed\'s ashes. I think it takes as long as it takes. You are MayLyn\'s mother and maybe I am selfish, but I think that losing a child trumps all other losses as hard as they are because we are supposed to die first. It is unnatural for young people to pass first. But you are right. MayLyn lives on through all of you who love her. Be gentle on yourself. Now must just be the right time and I am happy that her stone is so beautiful and will always have fresh flowers so vibrant and beautiful, just like MayLyn. Love and peace, Linda
I do not for one minute think you are crazy. It is one of the difficult things I felt I needed to do for Lisa. She was always conscientious about visiting her grandparents\' graves. She said they should never be forgotten. I felt the same about Lisa. Her husband was not in any rush to do it so Joe and I took Cevyn, her daughter to choose a monument and a plot in the little cemetery nearest the home she loved so much. I wept through the whole process. Lisa\'s ashes are still in a beautiful urn on the piano, but she has a place to go when the time is right.
You are right, Lisa lives on through us but when we are gone, people will see that a loving mother, daughter, wife and friend is there.
Hugs,
Marlene
Hey...we have said this a million times here...we all grieve differently...and there are no rules! You are not an idiot...you are a mom that lost her daughter. It takes a long time to realize that they live through us...and you have honored MayLyn over and over...love to you...Karen
I believe things happen when it suppose to..Love you, Kelly
All things in their time....you did what you did with love in your grieving heart. Glad to know you feel some resolution and peace. Hugs, Rebecca
Jacqueline, no..I do not think you are crazy at all. You are just one of us and it doesn\'t matter how long it took for you to place her stone...you did it and you feel good about it. It happened at the right time. You have always honored MayLyn and that is what matters most. Love & Hugs, Kim
Time doesn\'t matter in this situation. What matters is you feel differently now, a burden has been lifted, and you can feel good with your decision. Who\'s to say if you had done it sooner, it may have brought continued pain and been too difficult to see your daughters name on a stone. I think you\'ve always honored MayLyn in the way she deserves and now it\'s just even more special. Love to you. Robin
I sure understand. It took a little while for me to even think about getting starte on Justin\'s headstone. Maybe in my subcontious mind that as long as it wasn\'t in writing, it would not be true and somehow my son would come back to me. But we all know that\'s not the case. One day it hit me that I needed to get his ordered so that everyone who saw his spot would know just what a remarkable individual he was. I have to admit it does make me feel more at peace knowing his name and information shine bright to all that stop to read it. Love to you and hope to see you one day when you come back through Alabama. Kelly
I\'m so happy for you, that you woke up to all the treasure around you, and from your beautiful daughter, MayLynn. My son also left two children, he is not totally gone, but lives on in all who knew and loved him, too. Our brooding does make it hard on our families, but they know our love is a permanent thing.
This was your time to do this. MayLyn never felt cheated or slighted because it was not done before now. Trust me, she hasn\'t been walking around Paradise for seven years saying geez, I wish mom would place a stone for me. You know it\'s true, so stop that nonsense right this minute!!! And you are NOT selfish!! You are one of the most giving, compassionate women I\'ve even met! And the girls love it!!!! WOW, how wonderful is that....\"and their smiles were bright enough to light up everyones world....\" Well, darlin, this entry has lit up my world today. I\'m so proud of you and so is MayLyn. Prayers of love and comfort continue for your precious dad, a true American hero! I love you my friend~~Teri.
Jacqueline, we\'re all in agreement, you are not crazy....I along with my youngest brother and best friend made the funeral arrangements. Yet I couldn\'t bring myself to order the headstone. Thankfully my husband was able a year later......Sending prayers your way for healing......Love to you!
You were ready and it was time my friend love to you
I love you girl and am so proud to call you my \"crazy\" sister! We are all crazy in the same crazy way,WE MISS OUR BABIES. I think we would be crazy in the \"real\" crazy way if we didn\'t. Thank you for a journal entry that made me smile on a day when I really needed to. Sooo going to miss you, your beautiful face, your beautiful spirit and your beautiful daughters (yes both of them) at the retreat. Sending you lots of hugs and sooo much love today and always.
I\'m so proud of you! And Happy for you also! I will have to visit the gravesite some day.. I love you Lady! Hugs! :)