i did it again

rianbooyer 02/21/2023
When i was young i lost a friend to a fire. He was sleeping and his mother left a candle burning on the table and it got knocked over.

By the time they got to him his body was unrecognizable as the fire was so hot.

Not many liked him in the school we went to but they left school to go to the funeral just to hang out outside to smoke pot which was very disrespectful.

His name was Joey. I still miss him and i'm in my 40's now.

Do you think your friend would approve of you hurting yourself physically over their loss. Would they think it would be better to celebrate the life they did have and remember them as the friend they were? Or would they get upset at you for the self harm.

If they were a real friend they would be really upset with you hurting yourself over them. They would tell you not to cause more hurt over them. They would want you to find happiness and remember them as a good friend that loved you.

draino 02/23/2023
HI Ashanty,

I understand self injury. Used it from the age of 4 until I was able to stop finally when I was 36.
I understand the trauma of being abused and the damage it can do. I was sexually abused and tortured by a babysitter when i was 4.
I have some understanding of ptsd, as i have endured the affects of it many different times in my life.

I expect rian means well but when people said things like that to me, (though no one knew i was self harming) all it would do is make me feel guilty and want to self harm even more.

I remember the first time i deliberately hurt myself. (wont say how to protect you) but i was four years old. I remember also the first time i got caught. (different method again i wont say) but my mother caught me. We frequently got spanked or yelled at growing up, but, I got in so much trouble when she caught me, no one yelled, no spanking happened, but they kept asking me why, over and over and over. I was 8. I had no idea why. They insisted i never do anything like that again, and all that did was make me know, i had to hide it or make certain i always had a lie ready for how i was injured (whatever that injury happened to be)

My perp, (the babysitter) tortured me for six months, (along with molestation) and following her example, I tortured myself for the next 32 years. I was so good at hiding it, even though i practiced it almost continually, I was very oddly, in complete denial about it. IN my early thirties, i was watching a program on tv called "dateline nbc" and the entire program was about a girl who self harmed. Her parents knew and had been taking her to doctor after doctor, most of which told the parents to put her in a psychiatric ward and give up all hope because she would eventually kill herself. The parents did not give up. Finally they found a place that gave them hope. It was an inpatient treatment program somewhere.

All during the show, i was like, "oh my gosh that poor girl" and "oh my gosh her poor parents" I kept thinking to myself how tragic it was. (total disassociation and denial) at the end of the program, as a warning for parents, they scrolled a list of different behaviors to be aware of, and different methods people used to self injure. Mentally, i put a checkmark beside each item on the list. (there were at least a couple of dozen items) and after the list finished, I added item after item after item probably doubling the list.

Frankly i think it was God, because suddenly i was completely aware, this hopeless problem this girl had, was my own. By this time, i had faced and managed mostly to end multiple other addictions. I was in 12 step programs for drugs and gambling among other things. (I had no less than 11 unhealthy addictions) I think its possible that i became aware, because i had been working so hard to get better, which i had in most ways but not all.

So, here are a few things I want to say to you. 1. YOU are FACING this ADDICTION NOW. I am PROUD of you. IT is hard and you didn't do this to yourself. It is a byproduct of the abuse you endured at the hands of others. 2. Dont be like me. You do not need to suffer for 30 plus years and you do not need to find yourself dealing with more and more addictions either. 3. Recovery is possible. There is hope and there are many many people who care.

I define recovery as, "recovery is a process of transformation from a life of self destruction to a life of self care"
focus on the fact that you made it through two months without using self injury. You can make it through another day without it. What helped me most was talking with others, but even when i was beginning my recovery from self injury, i was sharing those details with people from my gamblers anonymous group as, there were no support groups back then for self injury.

Here are things you can do today. Tell us about your friend. things you did together, how he made you feel, tell us about who he was and things he liked and things you liked about him. You can also eventually tell us about how you found out, and share the details of that pain here and allow the people here to help you grieve. One of my favorite sayings is this: "joy shared is multiplied, grief shared is diminished"

I am deeply sorry for all the suffering you have endured. I care about every detail of your pain. It takes time to overcome such horrible things and you do not have to go through any of it alone. (nor should anyone try) IN the multiple support groups i have participated in that have helped me transform to a life of self care, one of the things we would say is, "it is about principals, not personalities" If you hear something that helps you, pick it up and take it with you, if you hear something that hinders you, leave it here as you leave.

As you begin this process of recovery, you may hear things that bother you or make you feel guilty or feel worse than you feel already, leave those things on the page they are written on and do not take them personally, most people here mean well but also remember, not everyone here means well. (if there are people that bother you more than help, block and report them)