I cut myself again *may trigger*

I don't know why it happened, how it happened or even when it happened, but the other day I found I'd cut myself again.I have no concious memory of doing it, i just remember looking down seeing the blood  and thinking how much of a pretty colour it was.I took myself off to the walk in centre, it didn't look clean. They cleaned it up and asked me how I did it, i had to lie and say I remembered doing it, I couldn't say I didn't remember of they'd be straight on the phone to CMHT. She asked me how I felt about it now, did I need to see CMHT or the Crisis Team?  She even offered to call them for me.I honestly felt fine. I didn't remember doing it but I felt at peace. I was calm. It was only later in the day when I realised what I'd done that I felt bad.In just 4 weeks I'm getting married. Now i have to get married with yet another ugly scar on my arm. I hate looking at my arms somedays and seeing the scars, other days it reminds me of how far I've come, these days it makes me feel sad and disguisted in myself, in the person I've become.If I didn't  have to look at them I'd say I dreamt it. But no i have to live with seeing them every day.I walk around my kitchen, well more look around it's tiny, picking up knives and wondering if they were the culprit, i pick up empty tins, bits of broken mug, I just wish I remembered.