I cried all the way in and cried all the way out

I had my D&C yesterday where they vacuumed the remains of my baby. I was feeling really nervous about it. Emotionally though, I didn't really feel much of anything. Just void. That is until they rolled me into the anaesthetist room. It started out as silent crying, just tears falling with no words or thoughts. Then as my broken heart began to shatter, I could not control my anguish. The tears would not stop, my cries would not subside and my sorrow became louder and more piercing. I couldn't breathe at the thought that in a few short moments my baby would be officially gone. That it was all over, that I would no longer be pregnant. That all those dreams of a life with my baby were disappearing in only a few minutes. 
The nurses wheeled me in. They had such deep sorrow in their eyes for me. I can only imagine what I looked like. The sadness that was in that operating room was intense. And it was all coming from me and the death of my unborn child.
They never counted me down, they must have just put me to sleep while I was crying my eyes out. I believe so, because as soon as I woke up the first thing I did was continue crying. It was like there was no gap in my heartbreak. I cried out when they put me to sleep and I continued crying out as soon as my eyes opened. No one could console me.
You know, it's pretty interesting when you're really drugged up and highly emotional. The filter between your mind and your mouth is literally non-existent. As soon as I woke up every question or thought I hadn't even thought about yet came straight out of my mouth. Things like:
"Where is it? Is it all gone"
"It's all gone.."
"Can I see? Is there anything left"
"Why can't I see it? Please let me see it"
Looking back on it I found that was so interesting. It was liberating, to not have to hide my pain. The drugs were helping me genuinely grieve, something I had been trying to escape since it happened, mostly due to fear. I cried as I told the nurses random one liner stuff about my journey so far, how we went through IVF, how hard it was, how I quit my job and have nothing to look forward to. Just a whole bunch of random thoughts that with no filter in my brain obviously came straight from my heart. Stuff that I wouldn't tell anyone. I'm glad that I let that all out.
It didn't feel like half an hour in first recovery had passed but my husband said it did. So I must have cried and rambled the whole time until they led me down to my secondary recovery room. That's when my Mum and husband came in. I only stopped crying soon after they came. 
The hospital was amazing, everyone was so sincere and genuine. Due to the sensitivity of my procedure I was given a single room before and afterwards. No one else did. They were all so loving and caring. You know, I even met an angel on the way out. I know that sounds strange but I totally believe I did. This man, he was just a tradie but he saw me outside waiting for my husband to get to the car. When my husband came he guided me to the car and placed his hand on my shoulder, looked me straight in the eye and said "Everything will be okay, it will all work out" and I swear my heart eased and I felt light and truly believe it was an angel placed by God. It totally reminded me of that TV daytime show with the angels.
The rest of the day was pretty zombie-like. Family came and stayed with me till midnight (I wanted that, I didn't want to sleep) but I didn't really get to sleep anyway till 3-4am. Every time I closed my eyes I kept reliving the moments I went into the theatre room and the moments I woke up. It was traumatising. 
Right now, I'm feeling okay. I really want a job to just start getting my life back together. Husband and I have decided to stop trying for a while and take a holiday to Malaysia for a week to just unwind. We'll probably try again later in the year. But for now we're letting our bodies, minds and hearts heal. 
Our time will come, I just don't know when, but it will. And the moment it does it will be perfect.