I Cried A Fair Amount Today

I brought my son back with me today – almost unwillingly but bribed him again with a massage.  My therapist asked me what’s going on because she could tell when I walked in something was wrong.  I told her how I’m doing this again.  2 days before he leaves I keep thinking about it and start crying.  I did this when I went out to visit him.  I need to figure out how to do this, enjoy him and have fun these last 2 days, without crying, being upset and spoiling things.    I started crying pretty much right away.  I reached for a kleenex and she commented how good it is for me to cry.  I don’t do that very much at all with her.  I didn't break down and cry but enough for kleenex and such which doesn't really happen.  I worry about him because he’s so far away and not readily reachable.  And I worry and don’t want to visit him in jail.  I want him to be safe.  She said she’d share what she does and how others handle it.  Her son is now in South America hitchhiking up the inter coastal highway and sleeping who knows where.  I said how I worry so much about him because I’m not there to protect him.  No, he’s an adult.  She said to look forward to planning a trip out there, look up things and prepare for that.  That may help.  I told her about taking him to the hospital for his visit today again and he slept at his friend’s last night and was late in getting there.  All that happened there.  How the coordinator just loves him and says he’s one of the smartest ones she has.  How coming back it started when I start thinking about him leaving.  And how mean and caustic (he can be so sweet, too) he is.  How I do everything just for him to be with him longer.  She said he’s narcissistic.  Yes.  It’s all about him and not me and also with my other kids.  She said we’ll talk about that another time.  And I even went out to let him know when the massage therapist was coming because she was late.  Something, I told my therapist, was something he would never do.  He’s not like I’ve raised him or like we are and it’s so sad.  She said maybe sometime he will be.   I have so much going on tonight with dinner, a movie and a party at my house.  Then tomorrow breakfast (same people) and then all the kids over.  She said that will be special.  They might be into their IPods, computers, TV and music.  I just want them all to be together.  And then maybe asking my friend to pop by.  She said just make it short.  I said I’d like to know though.  She doesn’t want me to make a big deal out of that and focus on it.  I won’t.    I just need to get into the people I’m with not to think about him leaving.  She said the movie might be harder because my mind can wonder.  It’s so much different for kids than parents.  I remember I was glad to leave my parents.  But I’m a Mom now.  And, that kind, she said on top of it.  I smiled.  I even said how I let him do his thing at my house.  When he was younger I would have said no.  But I can’t do that now.  She said about him being legal.  We laughed.  I said how the smell and such that maybe me a little.  Who knows.    I’m not going to write much more because I have to get this posted before we leave and I want to get it in for today.  But we did think of some thoughts together that she wrote down on an index card for me.  Here’s what she wrote: Look forward to the times we are together and plan for next time.  I am willing to set this aside so I can enjoy the good times.  I know I can handle it.  She said she’s a big believer in willingness.  You have to be willing to do this.  I am, I want to.    Two times I needed to go to the bathroom.  One maybe 15 minutes into the session.  I told her I needed to go and I didn’t want to wait.  I went.  The second time was maybe 30 – 35 minutes later.  I told her I needed to go to the bathroom again and I didn’t want to wait.  I went and came back.  I didn’t say but as upset I was I didn’t want to take any chances of having an accident.    I told her normally I’d take my son to the airport early and just let my husband sleep.  I thought about not going.  When you drop people off you have to say bye then because they won’t let you stay.  So you really have to say your goodbyes before that.  I know I’m going to fall apart.  So I asked her should I go or stay home.  She said maybe it would be best if my husband drives if I go so I don’t have to drive being upset.  She said to come home and organize or listen to my IPod or dance or something.  I said I’d probably come home and cry and want to go to sleep because it’ll be so early in the morning.  She said it’ll be OK to do that.  I asked her what she’s doing for New Year’s.  She’s picking up her husband and son at the airport at about 5:00.  It doesn’t sound like she has any plans after that.  I asked her if she’s staying up to watch the ball drop.  She didn’t know exactly what she was doing.  She said I have to put my big girl pants on and do this.  I told her about them not wanting to let you go to the bathroom 1 hour before you land.  She smiled and remembered with me, it means something totally different.  It doesn’t mean Big Bertha.    So I left and went to the massage therapist who was just done with my son.  She called him in during mine but he was very quiet.  Tired I guess but he’s funny about talking to “my” friends and such.  I wish every one a very Happy Healthy New Year 2010!!