I Could Cry
I selected bad but the truth is... I feel sad... hence the use of blue for the font color... big because I can't see it other wise...
We're running away to Branson for Thanksgiving... not running from the memory of Cara but of the demise in my family of family holiday gatherings...
There are many people who might tell me I'm an ungrateful so and so... I am lucky to have the Branson alternative... the means and even the health to go and see the canned commercial entertainment... and its so... but I would so much have loved to have been with family... I miss the days when we got together... Mom and I shared the cooking, the kids did the dishes... we usually played cards after... laughing and noise galore... it was a mad house... and I miss those times so much...
I'm tired of wishing some of the members of my family would want to spend the holiday with us or have us with them... Perhaps they don't even know I feel slighted and hurt... I'm tired of hinting... so I never will again...
Do I deserve that 7 years have passed since my mom and daughter died... I guess I do... I destroyed my home... Lots of things were going on that led to it... Lots of people would not have lived with things as long as I did... Lots of people wouldn't have put themselves in the situation in the first place... Lots of people would have handled it better... I carry the blame and its okay...
I did more or less invite myself a couple of holidays. I did not feel it meant anything to anyone but me... so we have gone on year after year trying to make it the best we could of the holidays for each other and anyone we could get to come by...
Oh well no use lamenting anything... Like I said I don't think my son or DIL even know how left out I feel... I'd tell them but then that would make them mad and they might not speak to me at all...
I just don't want to wait and wish anymore... How many parents are dealing with this... The kids don't even realize... being bothered with mom/dad all the family stuff was just too much... and when we're dead and gone they'll think... what happened... Easy to answer... You didn't want to be bothered... and finally I got tired of asking...
I love you... I'll always love you... so its okay.
We're running away to Branson for Thanksgiving... not running from the memory of Cara but of the demise in my family of family holiday gatherings...
There are many people who might tell me I'm an ungrateful so and so... I am lucky to have the Branson alternative... the means and even the health to go and see the canned commercial entertainment... and its so... but I would so much have loved to have been with family... I miss the days when we got together... Mom and I shared the cooking, the kids did the dishes... we usually played cards after... laughing and noise galore... it was a mad house... and I miss those times so much...
I'm tired of wishing some of the members of my family would want to spend the holiday with us or have us with them... Perhaps they don't even know I feel slighted and hurt... I'm tired of hinting... so I never will again...
Do I deserve that 7 years have passed since my mom and daughter died... I guess I do... I destroyed my home... Lots of things were going on that led to it... Lots of people would not have lived with things as long as I did... Lots of people wouldn't have put themselves in the situation in the first place... Lots of people would have handled it better... I carry the blame and its okay...
I did more or less invite myself a couple of holidays. I did not feel it meant anything to anyone but me... so we have gone on year after year trying to make it the best we could of the holidays for each other and anyone we could get to come by...
Oh well no use lamenting anything... Like I said I don't think my son or DIL even know how left out I feel... I'd tell them but then that would make them mad and they might not speak to me at all...
I just don't want to wait and wish anymore... How many parents are dealing with this... The kids don't even realize... being bothered with mom/dad all the family stuff was just too much... and when we're dead and gone they'll think... what happened... Easy to answer... You didn't want to be bothered... and finally I got tired of asking...
I love you... I'll always love you... so its okay.
Replies
No, it\'s not okay, but the old cliche: it is what it is. And your self blame....well I don\'t know the story of your life but I can tell you that IF YOU COULD HAVE DONE BETTER, YOU WOULD HAVE DONE BETTER. This means you did YOUR ABSOLUTE BEST. No one can turn the clock back, wow I wish I could, for all of us. If there are people who \"envy\" and begrudge you the trips you are able to take, TOO BAD FOR THEM. \"Walk a mile in my shoes....\" You do what you must to get from one day to the other and this horrorday season is a big, bad, angry tiger in your small boat, and in mine.
I think the sorrow you feel regarding your son and DIL not \"knowing\" is very common. I\'m the \"kid\" on the \"block\" in this building and I see it all around me. Fully 2/3 of the tenants are old enough, or close, to be my parents. The depression that\'s hitting this building is huge, like an iceberg, and it happens every single year at this time (I\'ve lived here a little over 2 years now). I\'ll put into words exactly how I feel: unimportant; abandoned; betrayed in the worst possible ways; discardable; unlikeable; unlovable for sure; unworthy to breathe the air. Many of us can say these things about ourselves in our darkest hours. But Father Bill reminded me of something yesterday: God \"doesn\'t make junk\". Each of us is greatly loved and cherished and our pain is felt by Him. When you are \"dead and gone\" - well, you\'ll have run the race and what people think or how they remember you is THEIR journey. To run the race, to run it well, to do the best you can every day even when that \"best\" falls far short of your own expectations for yourself....that\'s what counts. This is hard to remember, I know that. We have faced the devil, looked it dead in the eye, gazed into the abyss. And yet, we stand; we breathe; we encourage one another. That is success.
You know Elissa when a family member dies in the family WE change and So do they. Its just different, and I don\'t like the holidays anymore, but I still go through the motions, up until the day itself I dread them. I\'m lucky I still have both of my parents which keeps us together. I did notice now my nieces and nephew are having children, I can see the familys getting bigger and they are all starting to spread out..I do know it is me who has to reach out to them, some of the years I didn\'t go so it got to the point I asked and they just automatically thought I would go when I was ready..
It sounds like you will have a great time in running away to Branson, Have fun!! Love & Hugs, Kelly
All we can do is the best we can do. I know you did. We all have could have \'done better\' if we could have. It is not your fault. I have a friend who reminds me that life enfolds as it is meant to, and we are where we are meant to be. Do we like it? Not at all!!
I am glad you are going to Branson - I hope you enjoy the music and have some joy.
We are working on our new reality. Christmas is our big holiday. Last year Joe and I went to Tofino (a beautiful place on the west side of Vancouver Island) to watch the winter storms on the ocean. It was wonderful. This will be the first year that we are staying home, putting up a tree and celebrating with our neighbours. Our son and DIL are coming down for a couple of days before - they spend Christmas with Tiina\'s family. If anyone had told me that I would once again look forward to Christmas, I would have never believed them!
I really think that young people do not mean to be uncaring. They are just so wrapped up in their own thing, they don\'t even think. Will they be sorry one day? Perhaps. Lisa was the one who always ensured we spent as many holidays as possible together. We always felt welcome at their home. My son does care; I know. But he does not think to invite us. He will ask from time to time when we are coming to visit next (he lives 3 hours away).
I am comfortable now with our new normal, but it will never be as joyful as with family.
Wishing you love and joy this Thanksgiving.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
enjoy Branson.... I do think your son and dil do deserve to be told your are hurting and wish to be with them,, but I also understand you need to do what is best for you.... love ya!!
I agree with what has been already said and don\'t have anything to add except wishing that you have a great time at Branson. I\'ve been there once and thoroughly enjoyed it, especially the shows. I\'ve heard they got some real good outlet shopping there also.
Namaste my friend,
Terry
I totally understand, how you feel. Holidays are the pits for me. Nothing is, or ever will be the same.
I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving and a great trip. Branson has changed a lot and is not the \"family\" oriented town it used to be, but is still fun to visit. I know you will find a wonderful restaurant to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner at.
Enjoy your trip and travel safe....
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Seems like the bullying that children do to each other when young becomes ignoring as we grow into adults. Children lash out, adults ignore. Both hurt! At some point we all feel so alone and unloved and want to run away. Elissa, I think you are doing exactly what you need to survive the holidays. It pangs my heart to hear you so sad. I am glad you made plans to compensate and I wish you happy holidays.
Holidays surely aren\'t what I expected them to be at this point in my life, some of that\'s my fault some of it not. But like you, I can\'t always be the one to make things different others have to step up to the plate too. And with Matthews angel date wrapped up into the holidays I find its better for me to stay home. I commend you for doing something different and getting out. Sending you love and hugs! Miss you!
You did the best you could..we all did. If we knew anything that would have made things different than they are now...we would have done it. I hope that you enjoy Branson...love and gentle hugs...Karen
Enjoy Branson! For me, the holidays are just \"changed\". I ignored them for the first 3 years then last year, I did join my family for Thanksgiving (which was also the same date as my son\'s death date). And it was really okay for me, it was a frame of mind for me in that I thought of it as just a number and that I did not miss my son on that particular date anymore than I did any other one of the year. And really, with my kids grown up and the family spread apart, the holidays would not be the same as they were when all the cousins were little anyway! Most have grown up and have families of there own in my large family and Michael\'s death has not truly affected any of that. I do reflect on days gone by and how much fun and laughter it all was, but things change and I find acceptance of those changes bring me...
Peace.
All has been said... Enjoy Branson and HAPPY Thanksgiving to you and Richard!
Enjoy Branson...wish I could escape and go with you !!!