I Cleaned Up 2 Messes Today Pee And Simulated Throw Up

I came in, sat down, said “Here this is for you,” in which she took the bag of extra clothes of mine.  I then motioned to my other bag I had put on the couch and told her about my concoction in it.  She smiled and said some people are predictable and others aren’t.  I asked which one am I.  Not predictable – she never know what we are going to do.  I told her I wanted to do that and since it’s yucky outside and we can’t go outside (no) then maybe we can go into the bathroom and spill it on the floor so I have to clean it up and throw it down the toilet.    I also am prepared and I want to do another one of those waiting outside the bathroom, like in a line, and I can’t get in and then go through the motions of having to change clothes.  “You want to have to change clothes?” she asked me.  I guess she wanted to know if I wanted to have an accident or not.  Yes, and I want to practice staying still and going through the motions to know what to do when something happens.    I also had a stack full of cards and such my best friend who died wrote to me a long time ago.  I told her there was more – another stack of just letters.  She told me that was strange since we lived in the same city that she wrote me.  Yes.  They were mostly letters to me but a few from me because she wanted me to write back.  I wanted to think there were no problems because she was so sick and I wanted to take care of her and be there for her but there was.  I think I was so busy with my little kids I just overlooked them.  But some things just creep me out.  She thinks that relationship is very significant.  Yes.  Then I asked her about the Laughter Yoga and told her I’m doing these bathroom things again because of it and just to do them every once in a while.  But I was wondering if there was anything we could do to prepare for it – maybe since laughing is contagious to laugh at one another.  We only did 15-20 minutes in that trial class and I did have a problem a couple times.  Not really there but she said later about a very funny movie I have at home to watch it.  Do I have one?  I said maybe I could think of one but I’d have to be standing because that’s what we will probably be doing most of the time.  She said what I need to do is wear some protection and make sure I go to the bathroom when I need to because I’ll be uncomfortable and worry if I don’t.  To wear a tunic top that folds over that I can fold down if I need to.  For covering if I need to?  Yes.  And to make sure I’m in the back by the door to slip out.  She said during a class people might do that for that or to get a drink and such.  I said I didn’t know where everyone will stand and she again said to stay towards the back by the door.  She said once she was in a yoga class and the bathrooms were inside the class.  She said, at least for her, it’s better to be outside in the hallway so no one sees you leave.  Right.    I asked her if I need to wear Big Bertha.  No, but Little Bertha.  She said she was in Target the other day and she went down the isle with all those products and she noticed how big it was and how there were so many products.  She noticed they are made like pull-ups for kids.  She said how many people use them.  And she said that many people worry if they sneeze or cough or laugh they’ll leak.  I told her that doesn’t really happen to me unless I have to go to the bathroom but it did before when I did this a couple times.  She said there might be others that worry about getting to a bathroom too.  I asked her again where the bathrooms are because she used to go to that church.  She tried to think and said out in the hallway not too far away.  I said I could go half way through and wear black pants.  She asked me if I wanted to start of the stack of things I had brought with me but I needed to go to the bathroom.  I told her a girl I had become friendly with in the waiting area has a massage at 2:15.  We looked at the clock and that’s what time it was.  She looked outside and said she saw the massage therapist’s car and thought maybe she was already inside.  Sometimes we leave so fast into the session that someone is still out there and she knows I’m not crazy about people wondering where we are going.  She asked which bathroom – upstairs or downstairs.  I told her we’ll try downstairs first if no one is there.  So we left and decided to take the bag with the concoction in it, too to do them both at one time.  I carried it along with my purse with my extra clothes in them.  We walked out and got into the hallway outside the main door to their office.  She started to go towards the upstairs bathroom while asking which one.  I told her I wanted to go downstairs if the door wasn’t open.  She asked me if I’m doing alright to do that.  Yes.  Sometimes I go so fast that I don’t even have that time.  She commented that she doesn’t know their hours in that office downstairs.  We headed on down both flights of stairs.  I commented how cold and yucky the weather was.  She definitely agreed.  Also how my son called to say he was stranded in the rain and all the rain they are getting.  But then we got there and the door was closed and there was mail in the mail slot sticking out and also beneath the door.  That was great.  That meant no one was there so we could stay.  I didn’t tell her but upstairs is carpeting and not downstairs.  I was afraid if I peed on the floor a little it would be harder to clean up on the carpet and it would still show.    When we got there it looked like she was wanting to go inside.  No, outside.  She did open the door and turn on the light inside.  Maybe checking to see of anyone was in there.  The first thing I said was, “I better take my boots off,” and did.  She softly replied, “Good idea.”  So we stood there and first I just tried to stand still.  Tried but couldn’t do that very well.  I told her lets go walking out into the lobby area and come back like we are first getting to the bathroom.  That’s what we did.  We got out there and she told me to lead, to go first.  I did, chuckled and asked her why.   She said because she didn’t know what I wanted to do.  We walked around once and came back to the bathroom door in the hallway.  As soon as we got back I put my hands on my thighs, bent over a bit and said, “I just peed a little.”  She asked me if I wanted to go in.  No.  Maybe I can’t get in.    So we talked about what I would do.  She told me to do my Kegels.  She asked me if I’d try to distract myself.  Yes.  I looked in that door slot and saw the package and told her it reminds me I have to send a package to my son.  I was moving around pretty much and doing that half squatting again, crossing my legs and such.  I just told her to keep talking.  She thought.  She innocently looked around and said, “I wonder if there’s any celebrities here.”  I just thought that was so funny like George Clooney sightings.  Here we were in the basement of an office building, no where near any celebrities and she said that!    I started laughing a little and just couldn’t hold it anymore.  “You’re making me pee,” I told her crossing my legs, bent a little with my hands on my thighs again.  I looked down and there was pee streaming down from where my legs were crossed and hitting the floor.  “Look at this!” I exclaimed.  It was so obvious.  I’m sure she looked.  She right away went into the bathroom and got me some paper towels to clean it up.  I was done by the time she came back out.  I bent down and cleaned it up.  I think she had to go get more, too.  It was mainly down by my right foot on the floor but on the left side as well.  There wasn’t a whole, whole lot but not a couple dribbles.  Enough to really have to clean up.  I can’t remember much of this.  I don’t even know if we talked or not.  I think I did say after I got it cleaned up, “OK, now what do I do?”  She told me to go in and change.    That’s what I did while she waited in the hallway for me.  She stayed pretty much right out there and didn’t go up the hall like she sometimes does.  That was good and I guess because we weren’t going to leave right away and go back.  My boots were still there against the wall and so was the concoction bag I had set down during this first exposure.  I had my purse with me to change my clothes and then I came back out.  I put my wet clothes bag down and commented that I had to take off my socks because they were all wet.  I put back on my boots and she glanced.  We then decided to go back into the bathroom to do the next exposure so I picked up both bags and we head in together.    We both kind of looked around to see how and where we were going to do this.  I put my wet clothes bag down against the wall.  She suggested to move farther away from the door so that’s what we did and I moved the bag a little.  I got out the bag with my husband’s dinner he made in it.  I commented how it smells.  I said I really made it gross because I also put bread in it.  We decided I should look at it, hold it, feel it.  I did and told here there’s squash in it, carrots, broccoli and such.  She said it must have been healthy.  Yes.    We had talked earlier that I would pour half into another plastic bag.  That would be good for me to handle it.  So I did.  She did help open the new bag up for me after she saw I needed help.  Finally I poured some chunks in.  She said it looks like what she cleans up on a daily basis with her animals.  She asked me what I do with my animals.  I told her I don’t have any.  Only my kids when they bring them over and I don’t look.  I told her about Mercy last night I was watching, someone was choking and I couldn’t look and closed my eyes.  I asked her if this bothers her.  She said she doesn’t like it but it’s OK.    Then I went over to the sink and put water into both bags.  She said she’d hold one bag while I looked at the contents of the other.  It was hard but I did it.  She traded with me saying the other one had chunkier pieces in it.  I looked again. Then I said I should spill some on the floor and have to clean it up.  She right away said that she’s not cleaning it up and I would have to.  OK.  So I did.  I squatted down and it took a bit but I did.  I was afraid to.  Mostly only the liquid came out at first so I squeezed some chunks out to go along with it.  I said it looks like MB soup.  She told me to pretend one of the kids threw up after that dinner.  “Don’t say that!” I told her.  “Post dinner,” she said.  I said pre that time of year.  No!  She told me to pretend like I have to clean it up.  That I’m trying to do things out of the norm to surprise my kids with.  Like they wouldn’t think I’d do this but I did.  I went over and got some paper towels.  I put it over but it didn’t cover.  I asked if I should cover it all.  She said that most people put paper towels to cover it up completely and then after it’s all covered they scoop it all put and throw it away like in a bag.  I glanced over and got my plastic bag I had.  I also needed to go back a few more times to get more paper towels to cover first.  Then I was ready.  Well … as ready as I’d ever be.    I squatted down again and cleaned it up on the floor and a little on that ridge part against the wall.  She just stood and watched.  I did say I knew what it was and it wasn’t the real thing.  I got it all cleaned up and all the paper towels into the plastic bag.  I was going to throw it away but decided to put it down because we’ll need it again for the other experiment we were going to do.  I was holding a half full bag (I only spilled about half on the floor) and she was holding the other bag we hadn’t worked with yet.  It was time to throw it down the toilet.  She said we’d move down and use the far one in case someone came in and wanted to use the first one.  I was afraid and asked her to do it first with the smaller bag and I’d do the larger bag.  So we traded.  She threw hers down.  Now I needed to look.  I did a little and it was hard.  Not for long.  Now it was time for me to throw mine down.  We didn’t flush the toilet so the first was still in there.  It was really hard for me to do that.  But I did after some hesitation.  I didn’t say but I didn’t know what that splash was going to sound like and I didn’t want it to go all over.  She wanted me to look.  She said it does look realistic like the real thing.  I hesitated. She said we’ll look together.  So she came more inside and we looked.  I looked a little – not long – but I looked.  She told me I have to clean up around it because there were some drops on the seat.  “There are?”  I didn’t know because I tried not to look when I was pouring it out.  I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped it, then flushed the toilet.  That was really hard!  We threw everything away in the trashcan down there in the bathroom.  After, when we were back upstairs talking, I couldn’t remember what we did with everything but then did.  I commented that the cleaning people will see it.  She said we tied the bag up so they won’t know.  And, earlier when I was spilling it on the floor, I said that I hoped no one comes in.  She said we would have a lot of explaining to do.  Luckily no one did.    So we left.  She jokingly said what fun it was.  I said something about yeah, so much fun we’ll have to do it again soon or every time.  In the bathroom still she said about what she has to do with her animals what seems to be on a daily basis and I said something to the fact of her wanting me to come do it or something to the fact now I know how.  She only smiled.  Walking back up the steps I said that maybe now my fear is cured and I won’t be afraid anymore but one second later said I didn’t think so.    She knew that was really hard for me and upstairs I said it was both of them!  Yeah.  I was proud I did both of them.  She said I need to go and really enjoy my massage after this.  So we talked about it, what I just did, how it was realistic she said with the smell and how it made me feel.  She said maybe the next time it happens I can clean it up and surprise everyone.  I don’t think so.  I said also how it wasn’t real.  And if I would do that I’d be afraid I could catch something.  She said that something else that comes to play in it.  Yes.  She said I can wash my hands with disinfectant after and use gloves or plastic bags so I didn’t have to touch it.   After we talked about that some I told her we need to talk about the other exposure we did so I can put some closure on it and so it doesn’t come back for me to be thinking about it.  She asked me if the tappers or light bar would be helpful.  I said just to talk about it but the tappers would be fine.  So she got them out and handed them to me as I talked.  I told her first of the images I see.  There are three.  One is the pee dripping down onto the floor and the other two of the mess on the floor and in the toilet.    She asked me about the image of the pee dripping on the floor.  I said how it was embarrassing.  She said how we knew we were doing this experiment and we knew that it could happen.  That it does happen sometimes.  She laughingly said how I didn’t have my bike shorts on.  I didn’t say but for some reason I think she thinks it holds it in better.  I told her how I had khakis on and they are lighter.  Jeans soak it in a lot better so that’s probably why that happened.    I said that I know she’s seen it before.  She said something about the dripping on the floor happening to her but changed it real fast to me.  Either she realized it hasn’t happened to her or it has and she doesn’t want to tell me.  Don’t know why she switched it.  But anyway, she continued with this happens to me sometimes.  It’s expected.  When I said about it being in front of her she said she wasn’t bothered or surprised by it.  It didn’t put her out or inconvenience her in any way.  And I cleaned it up just fine.    I said how if she wasn’t with me and if it was in front of other people what would I do.  I wouldn’t have paper towels with me.  She said I’d go to the bathroom and get them.  I stressed again how these exposures are good for me in the fact for me to remember what to do if I’m in that situation.  A classic one was when I was at the doctor’s office.  I remembered what we did and that was so helpful.    At some point during this I needed to go to the bathroom again.  When I told her she glanced at the clock but I forgot to ask her how long I waited.  I think it was only about half an hour since I had to go the last time.  But I did so many exposures today it didn’t really matter.  And I told her I’m proud of myself for doing them.  So she just kept on talking, and so did I, with no regard to having to go.  It became increasingly harder and I’m sure I showed it a little.  Maybe after 5 minutes I said, “I really need to go to the bathroom,” and went.  I did tell her about earlier that I tried not to move around downstairs but I know I did.  I just can’t help it, that’s what I do.  But I do think I do better at the store next door – more eyes on me.  I also said that maybe next week we’ll go over there.   So after I got back from the bathroom we continued.  I’m not sure if this was before or after but she asked me to imagine all 3 images.  The bad parts of them.  Then she told me to imagine after – what was there if I’d go back now – what would I see.  Nothing – it’s all cleaned up.  The floor outside the bathroom and inside and the toilet.  Yes, that’s what to think about.  She also suggested that I go back there before I leave and see that nothing is there.  I told her that would be a great idea and that I would.  Well, she doesn’t know, but I forgot to.  Oh, well … it’s OK.  I know nothing is there anymore.    The remainder I asked her about throwing up.  What is it like?  First she asked me what I remember.  It was bad - that not in control feeling – I was about 7.  I was in bed and swimming with my arms going.  I’m guessing because my body was uncomfortable.  Then I did and I went in and told my parents that I thought I threw up.  I did and they changed the sheets and then I did in the trash can a lot.  Like I was not in control and I was saying that I wanted it to stop.  She asked my parents reactions.  Like they (well really my Mom) were there for me but not in a good way.  A more – there’s something wrong with you – way.    So I wanted to know more what it’s like.  Does it hurt?  She said no but that nauseated feeling and it’s one of the worst feelings in the world.  She asked me if I’ve ever felt that.  Yes.  I asked where it is.  In her chest/throat area or stomach area?  Stomach.  She said you fight it and hope it goes away.  Sometimes it does but sometimes it doesn’t.  Then you feel it coming and you can’t fight it anymore.  I asked her if there’s time to get to the bathroom.  Yes.  In the toilet?  Yes, you lift the lid and the toilet is easier because then you just flush it.  The sink there’s more to clean up.  She said most people rinse their mouth out afterwards.  I asked about the gagging hurting.  She said no – hurting is not the right word – but we didn’t go on about that.  She said it’s like when I have to go to the bathroom and then I get to the point I can’t wait any longer.  This is the same (not the same) thing.  Your body just takes over and you throw up.  But then you feel better after.  I looked at her and smiled because she once told me she does it 6 – 10 times.  She said she’s good for about an hour and then it happens again.  But it doesn’t happen to her husband or her kids.  She’s the only one in her whole (?) family that it happens to.  It’s just her.  “Luckily you,” I teased.  Yeah.    So she said she’ll see me Monday at 1, almost posing it as a question.  Yes.  I went into my massage therapist.  When I was leaving I told her to have fun on her little mini trip this weekend with her husband.  She hates to ride in cars a long time and she knows how much I love to drive.  She said the next time she needs someone to drive her a long distance she’ll have me do it.  And, our trip out to California!  I laughed and said, “Yes!”  We had talked jokingly about all this before and also how we’d both like to go back to California and see more.  This is another one of those I talk about because chances are it won’t happen.  And it’s definitely a cover that I don’t have a problem at all.  But what if it ever does happen?  That would be nice.  What would be nicer is if it ever does happen I either don’t have this problem at all anymore (probably unlikely) or I find a way to accept it and deal with it in a good way (how nice that would be).