I cannot remember

I cannot remember:

I cannot remember how it feels to bask in the glow of love

I cannot remember how nice it was to go out to eat

I cannot remember how if feels to go exploring with the man I love

I cannot remember how it feels to have a conversation without being deliberately misunderstood, berated and belittled

I cannot remember how nice it is to have someone who will go with me to the store and not make me feel like public enemy number one

I cannot remember how it feels to be silly with someone, make jokes or just have fun

I cannot remember a time when I was not lonely, rejected or dejected

I cannot remember how it feels to be able to express my thoughts, feelings, needs or desires without being mocked, insulted or humiliated

I cannot remember joy or happiness

I cannot remember when I was not in fear

I cannot remember a time when I could leave my home and not be afraid to return

I cannot remember...

I wrote this a few months ago. I feel like I am screaming in a crowded room but no one can hear me.