I can't understand...

I just cannot understand the rollercoaster of emotions I feel.  I was angry and it made me productive last week..last night.  Today I feel very sad maybe in the sense I read another members journal and he summed up what I feel about being able to provide for your children, how they will end up hating you...not that you can measure love by material things but when they are little that is what they know and see.  I worry about Xmas and having enough money to pay for the bills and being able to get them something...anything.  I havent' reached that point of moving out, as we are still in the same house...just separate rooms and I have access to all the accounts just like before.  I don't know what to do...this is why I'm going to put off filing...call me a wimp..yes..I am...they are what I look at right now.  He's too much of a pussy to do anything about it, so my thinking is just hang on enough until I can afford stuff...which probably will be never.  I know it's wrong..very wrong, as we have NO relationship.  I'm at such a cross roads and am VERY sad today.  I think I need the anger back...at least I don't cry then.