I Can't Help it I Feel So EXAUSTED!!!!
I thought by now I would be more together. Going on 7 months now since Doomsday and I still feel FRUSTRATED, MAD, ABANDONED, AND SIMPLY THROWN AWAY. I thought by now I would be a little more adjusted and most days I think I'M DOING OK but, other days I can't get up off the couch. I am stuck in " All work and no play makes T a royal B@#%H" ya know. When I come home and I find myself yelling at the dogs, yelling at the kids, yelling at myself, even yelling at GOD I know who I should be yelling at instead but unfortunatly as usual he manages to duck and let the crap hit everyone else. I just keep telling myself well, 7 months really isn't that long considering we were together 22 years. Then I say yah but it's only 5 more months until we hit the 1 year mark then what???? What if I get to a year and still feel this way????
I just keep holding on to hope and faith that one day it will be better. I don't want to be this aweful, lonely, angry, bitter woman I think I am becoming. I have sort of taken up refuge in my apartment. I really don't like to go out except to work. I just come home we have dinner play a couple board games watch a show on tv and go to bed. I just don't have the energy to do anything else right now. Friends invite me out but I don't want to go I don't know why????? I used to be very social the life of the party. My friends say " Come on T it's not fun if you don't go" I just keep saying i'm tired or I don't feel good. I got real upset at my best friend who told me " T if you keep doing this then he wins again" He already stole 22 years from you are you going to give him your future too"? I don't know why I just told her to SHUT UP!!!! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THIS FEELS AND I DON'T WANT TO DATE. She keeps telling me to join E-harmony or Match.com like I need that BS right now.
How do I break out of this funk????? I thought once the legal stuff was done things would be easier but they are not. He still hasn't paid what he was COURT ORDERED TO PAY and now I may have to file Bankruptcy because of all the bills that have gone into collections since he walked out and has not helped me pay. I don't know why does he always get away with doing nothing???? I took him to court and I tried to have someone hold him accountable and responsible for his family and he just skips all around town like hahaha i'm still not going to pay now what are you going to do. The stress this causes me every month when the bills come due is just to much. I'm thinking of moving back to TEXAS my parents have offered for me and the kids to come and live with them for as long as it takes so I can save money and really START OVER. Maybe it would be better for Austin and I to be around my family and take this stress off me. I don't want to live like this anymore....................................
I just keep holding on to hope and faith that one day it will be better. I don't want to be this aweful, lonely, angry, bitter woman I think I am becoming. I have sort of taken up refuge in my apartment. I really don't like to go out except to work. I just come home we have dinner play a couple board games watch a show on tv and go to bed. I just don't have the energy to do anything else right now. Friends invite me out but I don't want to go I don't know why????? I used to be very social the life of the party. My friends say " Come on T it's not fun if you don't go" I just keep saying i'm tired or I don't feel good. I got real upset at my best friend who told me " T if you keep doing this then he wins again" He already stole 22 years from you are you going to give him your future too"? I don't know why I just told her to SHUT UP!!!! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THIS FEELS AND I DON'T WANT TO DATE. She keeps telling me to join E-harmony or Match.com like I need that BS right now.
How do I break out of this funk????? I thought once the legal stuff was done things would be easier but they are not. He still hasn't paid what he was COURT ORDERED TO PAY and now I may have to file Bankruptcy because of all the bills that have gone into collections since he walked out and has not helped me pay. I don't know why does he always get away with doing nothing???? I took him to court and I tried to have someone hold him accountable and responsible for his family and he just skips all around town like hahaha i'm still not going to pay now what are you going to do. The stress this causes me every month when the bills come due is just to much. I'm thinking of moving back to TEXAS my parents have offered for me and the kids to come and live with them for as long as it takes so I can save money and really START OVER. Maybe it would be better for Austin and I to be around my family and take this stress off me. I don't want to live like this anymore....................................
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