I can't explain a thing;
August 13, 2013
a few years ago, when I was seventeen, I was smoking weed all the time, taking 200mg+ of adderall a day, and tripping on "acid" as often as I could. from these combinations I didn't sleep and didn't eat, and even when I was sober I would hallucinate all the time and I literally lost touch with reality. medically speaking I was psychotic.
it started when I took about five hits/tabs of "acid" (or that's what I thought it was) and I literally retreated to a corner for five hours and did not speak but instead went to this other world. I met all these higher beings, and I discovered that music is a language- my boyfriend at the time was playing guitar and he could literally communicate with me. but I was having a really fucked up time because the place where I was- everyone could hear everyone's thoughts. so the "higher authorities" (the police) and people that I cared about could hear my thoughts and they knew my secrets, and most of all they knew I was tripping because my brain was screaming it as loud as possible and I was literally trying to shut it up so I wouldn't get taken away. I was completely convinced that the police was there to get me and take me to the psych hospital (where I have been before). but mainly bust me on a possession charge because I had a fucking pharmacy on me. but I mean I had all these people inside my head- it was everyone that I cared about and they were all concerned and I thought I was crazy- and they kept telling me "no, you aren't crazy. you are a genius." blah blah blah. but after I came down, these people didn't leave. they stayed. forever. until I was sober and psychotic and I murdered them all because they wouldn't listen to me. they went from caring about me to saying the most terrible things about me and I would confront the real people, and they would tell me they never said/thought that. but when I saw the people- it was like they were the people "upstairs". they were above the real human's head and it was everything they were really thinking. but yeah; after they had been talking shit and wouldn't listen to me when I told them that I was going to kill myself- they just kept telling me that I was damned to hell for all eternity; I killed them all one by one, dexter style. serial killer hunting. and after that; I was a prisoner inside my head. I never slept and I constantly saw black shadows, and specifically this huge window like thing that I saw people through. they would be doing random shit like laundry or doing dishes and they would always look at me like "what the fuck are you doing here. ?" but they were always this shiny bright white opaque rainbow color. I also saw shadows and figures of people walking and marching like soldiers. my thinking was circular and I kept thinking these things and coming back to the same idea and I would get stuck in a loop. I saw all these connections in the universe and what I was experiencing and things in songs and music. like, Lucy in the sky with diamonds. the shiny illuminating diamonds were what I saw. I found these connections and obsessed over them, and all my hallucinations trying to find meaning in them and find the truth to the universe. I wanted the acquisition of knowledge. I wanted to know everything. so I kind of developed a god complex. I cycled from being god, to being Jesus, to being adam, and to being lucifer. creating the universe, being the creation, being the martyr, and then being the fallen angel that was cast out of the garden for the divine knowledge that damned mankind. so I was lucifer. and then, I killed god. the universe caved in on itself, and I was the only thing left. god had turned his back on me when I was cast out of heaven, so I killed him like I killed the people in my head. and then the cycle would resume. it was a fucking circle. over and over and over. and somehow, that made the circle symbolic and part of the truth. and something told me that I was an android, another that I was a broken machine that would get stuck in loops. another that I was a word prophet, and my destiny was to search for the truth, find it, and then forget it. and the cycle continues. over and over into infinity.
I was sober for most of this. but this eventually got me committed to the psych hospital, where they diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder. but I don't believe it- but it has to be true. my hallucinations were telling me that I am not crazy. that I am brilliant. but isn't that the ultimate definition of irony and a paradox. ? another circle. I was full of them.
a few years ago, when I was seventeen, I was smoking weed all the time, taking 200mg+ of adderall a day, and tripping on "acid" as often as I could. from these combinations I didn't sleep and didn't eat, and even when I was sober I would hallucinate all the time and I literally lost touch with reality. medically speaking I was psychotic.
it started when I took about five hits/tabs of "acid" (or that's what I thought it was) and I literally retreated to a corner for five hours and did not speak but instead went to this other world. I met all these higher beings, and I discovered that music is a language- my boyfriend at the time was playing guitar and he could literally communicate with me. but I was having a really fucked up time because the place where I was- everyone could hear everyone's thoughts. so the "higher authorities" (the police) and people that I cared about could hear my thoughts and they knew my secrets, and most of all they knew I was tripping because my brain was screaming it as loud as possible and I was literally trying to shut it up so I wouldn't get taken away. I was completely convinced that the police was there to get me and take me to the psych hospital (where I have been before). but mainly bust me on a possession charge because I had a fucking pharmacy on me. but I mean I had all these people inside my head- it was everyone that I cared about and they were all concerned and I thought I was crazy- and they kept telling me "no, you aren't crazy. you are a genius." blah blah blah. but after I came down, these people didn't leave. they stayed. forever. until I was sober and psychotic and I murdered them all because they wouldn't listen to me. they went from caring about me to saying the most terrible things about me and I would confront the real people, and they would tell me they never said/thought that. but when I saw the people- it was like they were the people "upstairs". they were above the real human's head and it was everything they were really thinking. but yeah; after they had been talking shit and wouldn't listen to me when I told them that I was going to kill myself- they just kept telling me that I was damned to hell for all eternity; I killed them all one by one, dexter style. serial killer hunting. and after that; I was a prisoner inside my head. I never slept and I constantly saw black shadows, and specifically this huge window like thing that I saw people through. they would be doing random shit like laundry or doing dishes and they would always look at me like "what the fuck are you doing here. ?" but they were always this shiny bright white opaque rainbow color. I also saw shadows and figures of people walking and marching like soldiers. my thinking was circular and I kept thinking these things and coming back to the same idea and I would get stuck in a loop. I saw all these connections in the universe and what I was experiencing and things in songs and music. like, Lucy in the sky with diamonds. the shiny illuminating diamonds were what I saw. I found these connections and obsessed over them, and all my hallucinations trying to find meaning in them and find the truth to the universe. I wanted the acquisition of knowledge. I wanted to know everything. so I kind of developed a god complex. I cycled from being god, to being Jesus, to being adam, and to being lucifer. creating the universe, being the creation, being the martyr, and then being the fallen angel that was cast out of the garden for the divine knowledge that damned mankind. so I was lucifer. and then, I killed god. the universe caved in on itself, and I was the only thing left. god had turned his back on me when I was cast out of heaven, so I killed him like I killed the people in my head. and then the cycle would resume. it was a fucking circle. over and over and over. and somehow, that made the circle symbolic and part of the truth. and something told me that I was an android, another that I was a broken machine that would get stuck in loops. another that I was a word prophet, and my destiny was to search for the truth, find it, and then forget it. and the cycle continues. over and over into infinity.
I was sober for most of this. but this eventually got me committed to the psych hospital, where they diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder. but I don't believe it- but it has to be true. my hallucinations were telling me that I am not crazy. that I am brilliant. but isn't that the ultimate definition of irony and a paradox. ? another circle. I was full of them.
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