I can't believe it

I can't believe it. I called my Dad who lives 8 hours away in Arizona to see if I could drive over and see him. It has been 3 years since I saw him. He is 87 and lives alone since my Mom died almost 15 years ago. I couldn't reach him, I kept getting his answering machine, I would leave a message and asked him to call me and left my number, but nothing. So I called my Sister in Texas and she said he doesn't like the phone let alone answering it, but just keep trying he will eventually answer. Sure enough he answered, yes I couldn't keep the tears out of my voice, but I asked how he was and then asked if I could come over and see him for a few hours the next day. "NO" there is nothing I can do for you, I can't help you in any way, I don't want to see you. You are divorced that's your problem. I am not really his daughter, he adopted me when I was around a year old, my father died before I was born and when my mother married my dad she asked if he would adopt me and he said yes. About 10 years ago he had another bypass operation and the doctor told him to call me, I went immediately and was there before he went into surgery and waited for him to come out.When he did they didn't want to let me in because "They were waiting for his "real daughter" in from Florida. They were referring to my sister who now lives in Texas, technically she is my 1/2 sister. I almost died right there and then. My sister was being her usual manipulative self and demanding I send her a plane ticket to fly out to see her "Father", I had to tell her I didn't have the money and I didn't have access to "Daddies" money she would just have to put the ticket on a credit card and he would pay her back after she was here and when he was better. She had a conniption fit to put it mildly. But she showed up a few days later. I was so devastated by my Dad not wanting to see me, only his "real" daughter that as soon as I knew when she was flying in I made arrangements to drive back home. I had absolutely no money my husband and I were living very frugally and almost weren't making it. But family is too important, so money was no object to me. He was my Dad, whatever it took I was going to be there to help. And I did. But when I got there all my family pictures that I had sent over the years were no where to be found. I did find them in an empty drawer in my Mom's old room. Again I was absolutely devastated. I never told my Dad. I tried to just live with it. But now just because I am divorced he won't see me? My sister was married and divorced twice, but he has never not accepted her. Since her 2nd divorce he has sent her a check to live on every month. Helped her buy a new car,etc. I am such a ninny, I have always paid my own way. I have never actually asked for help from my parents, that is not to say they have not helped me and sent me money for Christmas and my birthday. Yes they were generous, but they sent the same to my sister, plus the other money. They kept my niece and nephew with them when my sister was struggling with the 2nd divorce, they took them on a cruise to Hawaii. My children are much younger, even though, I am the oldest. My mother died when my kids where only 4 and 5, so yes they naturally missed out. But I took my kids as often as my ex would allow, maybe, every other year or less if I could manage it. My Dad evidently really liked my ex. I have been reading how about how to heal a broken heart. I am supposed to not blame myself or anyone else, but rather to live in the moment and not judge. I did the best job I could with my marriage and so did my ex. That doesn't mean we didn't mess up, just its not either one of our faults, just we didn't know any better. Then I am too practice moving on, by not thinking of the past. I have breathing exercises, and writing in a journal.So that is why I am writing this is supposed to help me get perspective on my life as it is now, not the past. But my past just keeps on coming. I don't know how to get back to the strong person I used to think I was. But I just can't find my way. When will I have a chance to breath? I had to get my personal belongings from my old garage as the ex finally agreed to fulfill the judges orders for last July 2010. He destroyed almost everything out there. And had not moved things of his so I could reach my things. His neutral observer tried to claim I assaulted him because I asked why he was taking pictures of my personal things? He told me it was none of my business. I had to forcefully with my voice only remind him I had not assaulted him merely asked a question, which he rudely refused to answer. I can't reach anyone in my family. My son won't even answer an email or chat, my daughter hid in the house the entire time I was getting my things and she will never answer the phone. I really must be some kind of monster, that all the people I love, hate me so much. I know I must not be writing the right things here or other people will know how terrible I am and so far that is not what I am hearing. But I must be a fantastic liar. To you and to myself. I just don't feel like I am so awful. I don't set out to hurt other people or to hurt myself, but it seems like I can do nothing else. I really just want to be happy and productive. I would like to take care of myself, not have to wait for a hand out from my ex. Yet I feel, I more than earned that"hand-out", so I feel no shame taking it. I just don't seem to know how to move on and continue the life I wanted to live, until this divorce and I don't mean my marriage, I mean I want to be happy and productive and take care of my self, not be dependent on any one. Please if anyone who reads this can give me some advice I would really appreciate it. I am not saying I can put your advice to immediate action, but I will do everything in my power to use the advice I am given. I am still trying to implement this new self help I got over the internet. It sounds great, but as always, it looks easy, but probably isn't.