I Can't....

My best friend/husband has been gone a little over a month now. (Feels like forever. Ugh) I've been very strong! Stay at home mother of 3 with a new baby I find myself at home a lot. I was not aware of my feelings until now. I can't leave my house. As crazy as it sounds but it's becoming more & more clear to me. Being at home is my safe place. When I'm home with the kids, cleaning, laundry, cooking I'm fine. In my head it's just another day when my husbands at work but in reality he's locked up. Don't get me wrong. I have not put myself on house arrest. I do leave the house but that's when my heart hurts so bad! When I miss my husband so very much. Because at that very moment, he should be with me & our kids. I don't cry about my situation. I deal with it but last week out at lunch with my kids I lost it. I broke down crying just trying to eat a salad. Because at that very moment, he should be with me & our kids. I felt very weak in front of my kids. They asked why mommy was crying & I let them know I was missing daddy. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to feel weak. My husband wants me to go out & enjoy things with the kids but I can't. I don't want my boys to see me upset. I want them to see me happy. I want them to know mommy is strong. Mommy is okay. It's not the end of the world & daddy will be home before we know it. & this is why I stay in my 'safe place