"I Can Never Be Ken"
I know some us have talked before about how our grieving affects our other children us who have other children) I sorta found out by one of my children who is pretty openw me. We were talking one night and by the tone of his voice all was not good. He started telling me the reason they don't talk about Ken was they said they didn't like to make me sad and cry. The more the conseveration it turned more toward how they felt about their loss of Ken. I knew and know they really don't like to show their pain. And he did share his pain some and I could tell he was trying not to cry. Yet he was. I got off the phone and discussed it with my husband and really as I looked around the house I had so many pictures,things Ken had made for me. I realized for the sake of my kids I had to make changes.
The one thing I remembered him saying "I can't ever be Ken". as much as I tried he felt that was what I was wanting
That was when I realized I was making them feel they could never measure up in my eyes.
Sat we will be celebrating birthday's for my son Jeff, my husband's(born the same day 20 years apart) my Grandson Colton, my Great grand daughter's and mine on that Sat. I have made some changes to the house. It does not mean I miss Ken any less but maybe it will help my other boys it is okay to talk about Ken. We can miss him. Love him and yes cry for him that he is gone from our world but hopfully they will realize I love them for who they are and that is who I want them to be themselves,as I love each of them for who they are. Each are perfect in their own way...but here I can say and show how much i miss Ken and think about him. I love you son, mom knows Heaven must be outstanding as you are. Forever your mom.
The one thing I remembered him saying "I can't ever be Ken". as much as I tried he felt that was what I was wanting
That was when I realized I was making them feel they could never measure up in my eyes.
Sat we will be celebrating birthday's for my son Jeff, my husband's(born the same day 20 years apart) my Grandson Colton, my Great grand daughter's and mine on that Sat. I have made some changes to the house. It does not mean I miss Ken any less but maybe it will help my other boys it is okay to talk about Ken. We can miss him. Love him and yes cry for him that he is gone from our world but hopfully they will realize I love them for who they are and that is who I want them to be themselves,as I love each of them for who they are. Each are perfect in their own way...but here I can say and show how much i miss Ken and think about him. I love you son, mom knows Heaven must be outstanding as you are. Forever your mom.
Replies
I am sure that Ken is looking down and is very proud of his mom. You are moving forward, a little more every day. Embrace the children you still have, as we know how quickly they can be gone.
I am glad your son opened up to you, about his feelings. I hope the birthday celebrations go well....
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Sandy, this is major growth for both you and your remaining children. I think Ken is proud too. Way to go!
Hugs,
Leda
Blessings for you all as you embrace the joy you have ahead!!!!
kudos to you...... we talk about Morgan all the time,,, we laugh when we can,,, I know Daniel misses her so,,, but to chat and laugh about old memories is good..... have a great celebration!! love ya!
Enjoy the celebrating and to have that openness with your children who are still earth side is vital. I lost a brother almost eighteen years ago and I remember how it felt to not be \"seen\" for awhile. Only after I lost Douglas and my mother and I could connect on that heart level was I able to let her know that I could never have understood or felt the intensity of her loss until I was walking a similar path. I was grieving as a sibling and both are so very different, yet have common heart threads. I have been acutely aware of this with our daughter to not deify Douglas because it can happen. He drove me crazy at times and this is where as you have said we can come to really talk about our children and others care to listen and to companion.
As the others have said this was a major growth leap for you. To be able to have these kinds of very real and transparent conversations with our surviving children is huge. Way to go, Sandy, as it takes courage to be able to hear how we seemed and been to others and to begin in time to make some changes when they are ones that will aid our health and well-being.
Loving care your way as you continue to take these steps and thank you for sharing.
XO Joanie
Your son opening up his feelings to you was such an important step. It helps both of you in healing on this grief journey. It makes me think of my youngest daughter who rarely, if ever, speaks of her brother Jared. I try to talk with her about it but she doesn\'t open up, at least not to me. And I also think it\'s because she doesn\'t want to make me sad. It\'s a tough situation. Hopefully, it will get easier with more time.
Sandy, thank you for sharing this insight.
Peace,
Diane
I also have a living daughter that doesn\'t speak of Melissa. I think she thinks if you don\'t think about it, it won\'t hurt. But I feel if you don\'t express your feelings, you are only putting off the grief and one day it\'s going to happen anyway. I feel that the crying all the time in the beginning is a good sign of grieving and it will help us down this journey. Sandi, I am so happy you realized that our living children need us too. Thank you for your beautiful journal...love, connie
When Mike passed my big fears turned to what if something happened to Alyssa. I think just the opposite happens in my house Alyssa comes over to pick up the kids her Dad will show a picture he found of her and Mike, she is the one who breaks down a cry\'s. I have two pictures of Mike one by his urn and the other on the sofa table also pictures of the grandchildren. The wall going into the hall has a big frame on pictures of both my children at different times in their life interacting or solo.
Alyssa doesn\'t talk much about her brother, except when she is made at Tara. The twins have learned not to talk about Mike to their mom, they will talk to me because I don\'t shut down or ignore them. I will tell them stories about their Uncle when he was young or how he interacted with them when they were very young.
Each family is different we must find common ground and build on that.
tight hugs ~ Penny
I think I\'ve done well in this respect. But my ex sure hasn\'t ... My daughter told me she feels that as far as her dad is concerned the wrong daughter died
Kate is a wonderful daughter. Wife mother and all round person and anyone who doesn\'t know they is missing out on a terrific person
Your post hit home with me. I also have 2 older children, and need to give them more of my time and energy. Thank you for this wake-up call!