I Brought My Son In Today For A Massage

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote in my journal.  It started last Christmas eve night and I was with my family going out looking at Christmas light in the car.  My cell phone rang and it was my son so far away.  He told me he’s coming into town in 2 days!  I was so excited.  But off and one he was nice then not nice to me so I had lots of mixed feelings and didn’t want to get hurt.  I called my therapist and left a message for her to call me before he comes in on Saturday night.  I rarely ask her to call me.  It was Christmas Eve and I didn’t want to bother her especially that night and the next day Christmas.  So Saturday would be good at her convenience.    She did.  She called me Saturday just before 11 AM from her office but I missed the call (she called home first, I wasn’t at home).  She said she’d call back between 2 and 3 and did about 2:17 PM.  But she called my cell and I was on my home phone and didn’t hear it.  She left an encouraging message and said we can talk more on Tuesday.  I really wanted to talk to her.  I thought she’d call my home, too like she did before but she didn’t.  So 10 minutes later I called her cell back to leave a message to ask her to call me – I really wanted to talk.  She did, thank goodness, 10 minutes later.   We talked about 6 minutes.  I told her I really wanted her to meet him and she said I can bring him to our session.  I said I may entice him with a massage.    So … I did.  He wanted the massage but really didn’t want to meet her.  We got there half hour before my appointment and he went in with the other massage therapist.  My therapist came out to the waiting area and commented I was early (it was 20-25 minutes earlier) and I told her that was because my son was in with the massage therapist.  Boom … she was gone back.    At my appointment time she came to get me and my son was already finished.  And I was talking to the other girl there I’ve gotten to know.  Her sister is married to someone who I knew as a little child with his grandparents living right behind me.  Small world.  Anyway, I told my son to come back a few minutes and he did, I guess knowing she was right there and maybe he couldn’t disagree then.  She introduced herself and we went back.  In her office I saw her really looking at him (maybe his hair) and really smiling – very largely.    I started the conversation about she’s familiar with the northern part of the state.  She knows where he wants to move to but hasn’t been there.  Then I said about her son being in Peru and she told him about his journey to Machu Pic hu.  He thought that was cool.  I teased him that he better not get any ideas because he’s staying here.  No, he’s not really.  And later my therapist let me know he isn’t either.  Soon I handed him my IPod and he left to go back out to the waiting room to wait for me.    I asked my therapist if he looks like the pictures.  She said his hair is longer.  She said he looks like a combination of my husband and myself and she can see some mannerisms in him that my husband has.  I said he’s tall and lanky like me.  She asked me how it’s going.  I told her OK so far.  He’s my most affectionate child and will just come up to me and give me a hug and such.  But he does talk a lot and gets off on his things and lectures.  How great pot is and not other medicines and things like that.  He is very smart but hate ‘ignorant’ people.  I tell they maybe they can’t help it and try to teach him tolerance.  I just want to be around him as much as I can.  He’s leaving later today and will be gone until late tomorrow night.  I know it’s going to be hard when he leaves and I try not to think about it now (like I did when I was out there visiting him).  She said get into the preparing for Friday night when we will be all together to not think about it.  And as far as fear goes (like the fear of throwing up and other things) I need to work past that – past the fear – to get through it.    I said I’m not sure if I can tell her things about him.  She said he’s not her client and she only has to report something if someone is going to hurt someone.  She asked me if I thought he was going to kill me (I’m not sure if she was serious or not but I guess so).  I said oh, no.  He’s not like that at all.  He’s a hippie and he wouldn’t hurt anyone.  So I said how much he smokes pot.  I asked if she smelled it.  No but she wondered if he was high.  Oh, yeah.  I said how he wants to grow his gardens that and veggies.  How great he thinks it is and how he had to smuggle it in his tightey whities (he wears boxers).  He shouldn’t bring it back with them maybe wanting to do body scans now.  She said about finishing it or leaving some for me – my new hobby.  We laughed.  So we got into talking about smoking pot.  How I never have but see it now.  I asked her if she has.  She said once.  I thought it was long ago.  I told her about the “It’s Complicated” movie that they did when they were younger until their kids were born and then just started again.  She again said about my new hobby for my husband and myself and like if that’s what I want to do more power to me.  Almost like she was encouraging it.  I wonder if it was more than one time for her.  When I asked if it was long ago she said no, actually it was recently when she was on chemo.  But she has a bit of asthma and her lungs couldn’t take the smoking and she really didn’t do it when I asked her if it worked.  She wondered how that is with my son since he has asthma.  I said his numbers were down today at the meeting but they always are.  He’s only about 54% out of 100%.  We went to the hospital for the study 7:30AM today and have to go back 8AM Thursday morning.  The coordinator just loves him.  So after talking about my son I told her maybe we should go back to when I was there last week.  I though about it a lot and knew what I was going to say but all this happened with my son coming in so I got pretty distracted.  I tried to think what I was going to say.  I told her I was glad she shared that with me (about her throwing up a lot) even though I didn’t like the content.  First of all, it shows me that she’s a real person too.  Everyone has issues and things and she does too.  And it makes me feel like I’m not the only one.  Everyone does.  I told her a real exposure for me would be the next time that happens to her to come be with her.  She said that will never happen.  I didn’t say but I’d be embarrassed too and I guess that’s why and I probably couldn’t even do that anyway.  But I did tell her that just talking about it like that was an exposure for me.  I thought that could happen to me but then I thought, like she said, she’s a different person than me. I said how everyone is effected differently.  I don’t want to do it one time must less 6 – 10 times like she does.  No.  Then I told her about my old kooky friend.  I said I’m really good about birthdays and yesterday was her birthday and the friend’s party we went to – his birthday.  I was going to write on her wall on Facebook but got distracted and didn’t.  She called me about 5:45 PM last night.  I right away wished her a Happy Birthday and told her that.  She said, no please don’t.  Either because she’s having trouble with her birthday and getting older or maybe she doesn’t want people see my name.  But I am one of her friends.  She asked me months ago.  I need to do that like that producer guy I met told me to with Facebook and Twitter.  I just haven’t sat down and asked people yet.  I don’t really do anything with them now – just read sometimes.    Anyway, we had a normal conversation like we always do just like we’ve talked yesterday.  She said she wants to get together for lunch.  Don’t know if that will happen.  She shared that she has a friend in Arizona, really 2 friends she said, that does that.  Even her husband says it won’t happen.  She actually gets together one out of 10 times.  I said with this friend it’s 1 out of 100.  But it wasn’t like that before.  Especially after my best friend (her sister) died.  She needed me then my therapist said as a connection.  Yes.  My husband says she wants something now.  Maybe she’s moving again because I always help her and organize her house for her.  But in all these years I’m sure she’s found someone else to do it.  She always has people do things for her.    We also talked about our weights and she said how fat she is.  I told her I am, too – I’ve gained 10 pounds.  Yeah – right.  I don’t think she believes me.  I said how I have it in lower belly and she has it in upper belly.  I did tell my therapist we need to explore that one day because it is an issue for me.  I know I’m not fat but I still feel like it.  Maybe everyone does when they get older.  Again, she didn’t say anything.   It’s so strange she always has that reaction.  Nothing.  Maybe I am fat.   So in our conversation (my therapist wanted to know how this came about) I told her all my kids are coming over Friday night if she wants to come over.  She hasn’t seen them in ages and was asking about my granddaughter and has never met her.  My therapist then understood how it happened.  So she asked me what the good would be about it.  I said she hasn’t seen everyone in a long time and it would be nice to see her – I haven’t either.  I asked her if there’s anything else.  She didn’t know and asked me.  I couldn’t think of anything.  She asked the bad.  My kids don’t really like her for how she is and I’m afraid they’d say something.  But I would tell them to be cordial.  And my daughter (who sometimes has a big mouth – she knows her – but no comment) may say something about her wild daughters drinking/drugs and she shouldn’t.  Then she told me she knows of another reason.  What?  That she would say she’s coming and then doesn’t show up and I’ll be upset and not be able to enjoy my family being together.  I told her that I’ll tell my self that it doesn’t matter.  If she shows up, OK and if she doesn’t it’s OK, too.  She said if I can do that.  We talked a little about how I said everyone loves her.  She looked funny and I said not everyone but all her close circle of people.  She’s good to them.    I told her she really wants me to call her up Friday morning and remind her.  She even said please.  And she asked the date because I know she travels a lot and it seemed like the date was fine.  I know what will happen.  I’ll call her and she won’t answer so I’ll have to leave a message.  I’d just say if she wants to pop by.  I know she won’t stay long at all.  But I would like to know.  My therapist thought it would be better if I didn’t know.  But then I said if I ask her to call me back and she can’t then I won’t have to think about it all night.  True.    So I also told her about taking my daughter to the doctor yesterday about her boils.  She fainted once there a long time ago and she wanted me to go.  And about the big party we are having at our house New Year’s Eve and we go out to dinner and a movie first.  Then breakfast the next morning.  And I mentioned about my daughter and husband not being nice to me going to pick up my son at the airport.  If it’s black it’s white.  If it’s white it’s black.  Very argumentative with me.  She said to let my husband know when he does this.  I do.  And I said about with my son – he has to catch things.  And my middle son is getting not nice.  Either his job or new girlfriend.  I’ll ask him some time.  His girlfriend is great for our family because she’s talkative we actually all (some of us) sit and talk.  She said she’s a good spark for me and for our family.  Right.    She told me about her sister and her niece because they were just visiting.  Her niece pulled her aside and told her about her Mom because she was writing on her Facebook wall a lot and calling too much and such.  She said that her sister is like that and she needs to stay back a little, back away a little.  I asked her if she’s mean to her Mom.  She said yes.  I asked what her sister does.  She said she didn’t see it because she came just to her directly.  I asked if I’m doing that.  She didn’t exactly know but I think told me that just in case.  I told her I want to be with my son who’s here a lot but I do things around the house like cleaning and such and not all the time.    Towards the end I needed to go to the bathroom and told her.  She glanced at the clock and I just kept on talking.  I think I did well for a while.  I asked her how long it was – 3 minutes.  I didn’t say but I thought it had to be longer.  She told me I waited longer in the session before I had that urge/feeling.  I glanced at the clock.  “Oh, yeah!” I commented.  Yes, she said again but also added that I may not be able to wait as long because if it.  But, really she didn’t know.  So I kept talking.  I asked again.  5 minutes.  It was getting harder and I’m sure I was making faces, moving my legs a little and I think I put my hands on my thighs between my crossed legs or under.  She looked at me and asked me if I wanted to go.  I thought a second.  “No!”  I tried on continue talking, couldn’t, said I can’t talk and that yes, I was going to go.  I did.  When I came back I asked her how long it was 7 minutes.  I told her I didn’t want to come back next week with a bag with my son asking what’s inside.    So we only talked a little more, mostly about my son and how not to think about when he will be leaving.  We’ll talk more about that on Thursday when it’s closer.  I left, went to my other massage therapist and left.  I told that girl in the waiting room I was talking to earlier that is was her turn.  My son and I left.  I’m not sure why but I feel let down.  Sometimes I feel worse after therapy.  Sort of down and alone.  I don’t like this.