I am turning evil inside
Still stuck living with this man and his kids. I used to be a loving, trusting, nice person. I now find myself looking at all of them with hate in my heart. I don't like who they make me become! His kids do not deserve my dislike or bad feelings but they treat me just like he does. They show me no respect (unless of course they want something from me). They use me, my house and everything I own as it is theirs for the taking. They feel free to lay in my bed (even with their dirty play clothes on), go through my drawers, etc... They were not raised right and the older they get the more it shows! They are learning to be men from a disrespectful, user of a man! I am tired and feel so beat down I am struggling to get control. I just want to be away from them, all of them. I want my life back, my independence back and my spirit back. I am in such a funk even my daughter says Mom just let it go, everything is good today. Problem is I am the only one here worried about tomorrow which is coming sooner than anyone can imagine. I am broke and broken. I got up today needing and wanting to hear the WORD OF GOD to gather some strength. Could not get even one of my normal sources to work on line. I felt like God was hiding from me. I know in my heart He is always with me but I am soooo defeated I even feel at times like He wants me to loose. I have never in my life felt like such a nothing, such a failure, such a looser. I want to fight and win but I have not a breath of wind in my sail. I feel like evil is winning and turning me cold and hateful person that I don't want to be. My motto has always been to "stay out of the mud" "stay above the people that cause me pain and harm and let God settle the score". These days I find myself thinking evil thoughts and I hate it. It is not who I am not who I want to be! I want to learn from my mistakes and get stronger not become one of the kind of people that have harmed me. I have never, ever been the kind of person to turn my back on a child in need. His kids are in need and I just want them away from me, God forgive me. They use me to death. We are in crises, broke about to be homeless and going down fast and they just continue to ask me for things, new baseball shoes, book fair money, ice cream money, telling me what they want for their b-days, can I take them to the skatepark, etc... I get it they are kids but they dan't ask their Dad for anything. Guess they ALL think I am Santa Clause. It is wearing me out!!! I try to nicely explain that I have nothing left to give. I tell them I wish I could and I do feel sorry for the hand they were dealt. However, let me ask them for help like to clean their room or clean up their own mess in the kitchen or even pick up their nasty tennis shoes thrown around the house and I get attitude like How dare I ask something of them!!! That is from lack of upbringing I know but I am so tired of the disrespect. I have been good to them for over a year and a half, better than anyone has ever been. They are damaged just like their father. I just need to get away from all of them and soon before they change me forever!! God I pray Please help me fight this evil trying to grow inside of me!! I NEED YOU!!! I want to be able to love and smile again. Please lift me up as only You can!! I am fighting with all I have but I am loosing the war!!! I'm Not a looser. I'm just so weak and beat down! Please Lord, Please HELP ME!!!