I AM TIRED BUT I CAN\'T SLEEP

I AM tired but I can't sleep! I am tired of a lot of things. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling unloved and unworthy. I am tired of being afraid of the future or of not having one. I am tired of not being good enough. I am tired of feeling like I have no one in the world that gives a shit about me. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, I am tired of not appreciating my many blessings. I am tired of letting two stupid selfish men make me feel like my life is not worth living.I am tired of feeling so lost. I don't know who I am unless it is a wife or mother.I am tired of wearing other people out with my sadness.I am so tired of crying. I don't know where all of the tears come from. I should be dehydrated!I am tired of not knowing who I am or what will make me happy.I am tired of going through the motions everyday but not really living.I am tired of working and getting no where!I am tired of being judged for my exterior not my heart or my mind.I am tired of finding fault in everything and everyone.I am most tired of not knowing what to do to chage the things I am tired of! How did it all go so wrong? I was good in school, very popular, lots of friends and had a plan for my life. I thought I knew everything. I thought I had found love. Three times I was sure I would never be alone again. The first relationship I had to leave or face going to jail. It was the early 80's I married my highschool sweetheart and my first love. He decided he would rather sell stuff than work. I was not going to jail so I left. Now I think he is trying to be a rock star or something. Right choice in giving up on that one. Then I married my "party buddy" because I got pregnant when we were living together. 18 years and two kids later I couldn't take the abuse any longer. Then Tony, the most evil!! He knew what he was doing when he let me fall in love with him and believe we were building a future together. I still do not understand why or what changed to make him do what he did and continues to do to me. I have honestly given up on all of them ,but, that is three strikes. I feel like I am truely OUT! I want to live again. I just don't know how to do that. I want to look forward to something. I want to be happy about something. If it wasn't for my kids I don't think I would even get out of my bed. They have to be fed so I have to go to work. When they are grown and gone I will have no reason to exist. That is how I feel at this point. I have always covered my pain with humor. I have been in pain most of my life so I have gotten good at covering. I am too tired to cover it anymore. I hurt damn it! I don't know how to fix it. I have tried and contiue to try but as evidence of my failure, here I sit writing a leter to myself at 1:00 am when I should be sleeping. I sure hope God's promise of a good life after this one is real. This one has pretty much sucked and I don't see it getting any better. I try very hard to think positive and see a future. I talk a lot of crap and I try to believe it. I just don't!