I AM SUCH A COWARD
I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO BELIEVE WHAT I DID ON MONDAY. MY DISGUST AT MY SELF, AND MY SORROW FOR MY ACTIONS, LEAVE MY MIND IN ANGUISHED SHAMBLES. I JUST WALK AROUND AIMLESSLY, SHAKING MY HEAD IN DISBELIEF AT WHAT I ACTUALLY DID, AND HOW CLOSE I CAME TO DOING SOMETHING MUCH WORSE. USUALLY, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH FORGIVING MYSELF, BUT THIS TIME, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO. I DON'T DESERVE IT. I BROKE MY ONLY RULE IN MY CHRISTIAN WALK, AND THAT IS DON'T HURT ANYONE OR ATTEMPT TO HURT ANYONE PHYSICALLY. LET PEOPLE BE PEOPLE AND DON'T HURT ANYONE, AND I COULDN'T EVEN HANDLE THAT 1 SIMPLE RULE THAT I MADE FOR MY OWN SELF. THINGS ARE BACK TO FINE IN LIFE AROUND ME, BUT I'M STILL GREATLY SHAKEN UP STEPPING BACK AND LOOKING AT MYSELF FROM AND OUTSIDE VIEW PERSPECTIVE AND THEN ASKING INTERNALLY "WHO ARE YOU?" I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE MYSELF ANYMORE, AND IT'S JUST PATHETICLY SAD. THIS JUST CAME TO ME, AND IT IS SILLY, BUT I FEEL LIKE ALEX THE LION IN MADAGASGAR. HE'S A NORMAL, LAID BACK, FUN-LOVING CHARACTER, AND THEN THINGS GET TURNED UPSIDE DOWN IN HIS WORLD AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE BITES(ATTACKS) HIS BEST FRIEND, AND THEN RUNS AWAY DISCUSTED BY WHAT HE DID AND CAGES HIS SELF UP TO PROTECT EVERYONE ELSE. I'VE CAGED MYSELF UP TO TRY TO PROTECT EVERYBODY ELSE FROM THE MONSTER. I ATTACKED A DEFENSLESS PERSON WITH A DEADLY WEAPON AND IT IS SOMETHING THAT WILL HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.ONCE AGAIN, THE LION IS A COWARD.
Replies
YOU are not a coward. You have admitted and feel guilt for your mistakes. The focus now is to accept the consequences and move on ensuring that it never happens again xxx
Hey J, I know how ya feel. It is not easy to kill the deeds of the flesh..Ro. 8:13 ..It\'s something that the Holy Spirit does in us by the washing of the Word. Don\'t waste time beating your self up over your loss of control (one of the gifts of the Spirit is self control). Instead stay in the Word, Pray, go to church, take anger management classes, whatever you have at your disposal for support, use it. Be vigilant. You know now that the \"old man\" is always wanting to rise back up and sin. I have to be on it every day. Paul said ..we die daily.. but we are being transformed daily into the image of Christ also. Hang in there. Keep the faith. God will finish the work He started in you. BTW my ex almost killed us both with a 270 rifle. I couldn\'t go back with him, it was too horrific, but I forgive him. I know what is in us all...sin nature. Forgiveing yourself is not easy. I know cause I\'ve had to forgive myself many times. Blessings to ya, JF
Brother, Im not being humorous in any way, but to quote from SPIDERMAN \"with great power,comes great responsibility\" OK vice versa. As God fills your heart, your a father, your married, you work to support your family, you struggle to survive.
All these things require power, and being able to manage them is most definately being responsible.
Thug, just a word or a concept, could possibly be a way of stating power. In my eyes its just a word. I don\'t give a rats ass about all the things
you have listed as detriments. Listen man we all do things that in others eyes are not kosher, screw that what we do is what makes us. I toss a few beers back, spent a cple years drinking my way into reality, burnt a few blunts and fatboys along the way. Partied with the best and yes I too have had premarital sex {hard to believe} more than marital. Only advice I can give is this, find an outlet, take up a singular hobby, something you can immerse your mind in at any point of time. mine was bowhunting, read it , learned all I could, participated in archery tournaments and then started huntin. I have sat in a tree alone for as many as 12hrs. with nature and God only to talk too and believe me we have had some magnificent conversations LOL in my head. Find your avenue of release that takes your mind away from the harshness the world is so capable of blasting us with. COWARD no effin way, a coward finds some one else to blame for his inconsistencies, a coward trumps up charges to defray suspicions of him. By writing in this journal, by sharing this with friends, you just might be as brave a man as I know.
Keep the faith, the chin up,love your kid, your wife, yourself, the lord and root {cant believe Im sayin this} for the Cowboys. Life is a marathon, not a sprint and sometimes we just need to lag back and get our second wind
ok, i got a batman quote for you as well. why do we fall? so we can learn to pick ourselves up.... you are not a coward, come on brother, pick yourself up.... don\'t beat yourself up. enough said because you can and will do it, i know you will.
Let\'s do it like this bro. What\'s done is done. That is water under the bridge, I know that it may be hard to come to terms with that, but the only thing that you can do it pray, move forward and then pray some more. God will give you everything you need to handle this situation bro. YOu will most certainly be in my prayers and gain strength from our homeboy Jesus The Christ. Beating yourself up over being a human (making mistakes) will not get you past this bro. I know you are strong, I just know it. If that seems too much because of what you have done, then remember this quote: \"The journey of 1000 miles begins with one footstep. God Bless bro, lots of love and keep your head up.
HOney, Kate is right. It takes a big man to admit what he has done. Now, just learn from it and move on. You can do this. I believe in you Rob.
Stay close to Father... some music options in your previous journal entry. God bless you!