I am so tired of this&wondering what I did to deserve it!!

I wonder what the hell I did to deserve all of this shaking that I am going through! Yes, my doctor has fuckin seen it and it did not make any difference since my last appointment. Granted I got a new job which has been going good, but I keep wondering what the heck I fucking did to deserve everything negative that has been happening in my life. I understand that my mother needs her money back, but hell I need a paycheck first. I had to go someplace and beg for food yesterday cause I did not have any money for it. I am suppose to be getting my taxes back, but the IRS is taking their time processing my return. People wonder why I am so goddamn fucking angry for! Why the heck I go off on people for? Well, if people had as many physical problems as I did from anxiety then they would understand. Working a new job in and of itself doesn't lower my anxiety alone. Then my mom asked me why I spilled water. That's cause it causes me to shake uncontrollably! Then I do not get my father, he is so fucking stupid. Making the comment, Its my own goddamn fault I don't have anything to eat! I am not like him and have somebody to cook for me all the time and get to sit on my fucking ass all fucking goddamn day and live off the government. Does anybody else have any trouble typing because of sky high anxiety? Some days I just wish it would cause me to have a heart attack. My counselor did not even mention me cutting group this morning! Oh my god this is so great! I saw a real sick poem at the bus station. A father wrote it to all dads telling them that he beats his girls with a belt and that he likes it as it fucking turns him on! I am thinking what a real sick motherfucker! Then he continues on to say how striking his daughter with a belt gives him a hard on! I am like thinking fucking how? You have fucking problems if you write that crap on a wall! Come on! That guy should be locked in jail forever!! I'll be fine once I get a paycheck, but I fucking hate being lied to, but I can understand why!