I am so tired

Its 5 am.I have been up since 4:30.I cannot sleep..I have all these crazy thoughts running throught my head so I felt the need to come here and write..Its funny how on the outside things can seem so good.But on the inside you are hurting.I cried so much yesterday.I dont want to cry anymore but I cant stop it.I feel like a drug addict who is having withdrawals.I feel run down and beat up.You know what I was thinking about at 4:30?I want a cigarette..I havent smoked in over 3 years.but the urge was soooo bad .And I dont know why.I never wanted it again since I quit.Maybe its because if I did it I would be sneaking behind everyones back.Maybe because I know its bad..I could go home now and drink away my problems but I know once that was over the problems would still be there.I want to cry.I want to scream.I want to hurt somebody...I am tired of hurting myself but in my sick little world thats the only thing that makes me feel better..I dont even know why I am writing.i have all this pinned up energy/frustration and I cant get it out...I have to fight back the fucking tears cuz I cant work this way..And I dont want to go home alone..To the friends that have reached out to me in the last day or so , thank you..You know who you are and I do thank you very much...Its good to know there are people who care..Sorry for the pitiful vent.I dont want pity..I just need to unload all this crap..