I am SO done!!!!
So, I had guessed that I would start my cycle today (we delivered our little Matthew 4 weeks ago TODAY) and sure enough it hit. I had read that the first one CAN be hard, but I've been priding myself on getting moving and pushing the healing along, so I thought I would be TOUGH...and impervious I guess.
Instead, I have been a wreck all day. My mind feels like it will explode from the thoughts that are drowning me...everything from the cruel reminder that I am no longer pregnant, to the panic I feel to TTC, to the frustration that my husband wants to wait until he finds a job, to the disgust I feel toward my brother-in-law!
Yes, let's talk about my brother in law, Charly (how he spells it) for a second. Rage is a good diversion from sadness. LOL My husband is from a family replete with drug and alcohol addiction. (My DH is the ONLY one who came out of it without addicitons...although he does like coffee a little too much..lol) His one and only sibling is Charly, who is 27 and decided to follow the path that all the rest did. We have tried to help him time and again get into drug treatment and straighten out his life, but he always falls back into his habits...SO, Charly recreationally gets his various drug addicted girlfriends pregnant and then leaves them to raise the babies...and us to help and to try to pick up the pieces.
Friday, September 3rd when I was miscarrying Matthew, Charly called out of the blue. He said he had heard through the grapevine that our baby had died and he wanted to say how sorry he was. He did not even pause after that...he immediately launched into sharing his exciting news with us that he had been out of touch because his girlfriend was delivering a beautiful baby girl (we didn't know this girl and didn't know she was pregnant). So he wanted to tell us about his perfect newborn daughter...she spent a few days in NICU because her mom was on meth, but other than that, she's healthy. (And when you consider that I don't even drink coffee, eat lunch meats, or most seafood or drink carbonated beverages when I'm pregnant, but meth-heads can pop out healthy babies!!!!!)
Anyhow, that wasn't the worst part...during that phone call, he said to me "Are you guys going to the 5pm service on Sunday?" I told him that we had originally planned to be going to a different service because we had plans with friends that day, but since our baby died and I was in the middle of delivering him "RIGHT NOW" and it was horrible and painful, we would probably cancel our plans with friends. I ended with, "If I have recovered enough by Sunday, we'll probably just go to the 5pm." He said, "OH, GOOD!! Because I really want you to meet my girlfriend and our new baby! We could really use some of your awesome baby gear and since you don't NEED IT NOW, maybe you could bring it down when you come for church? You could take us out to lunch and give the stuff to us then!"
What in the world do you say to that? He's such a scum-sucking pig.
So, today, he wanted to meet with my DH to own up to all kinds of horrible things he's done and apologize because he says he is turning himself in (he has a plethora of warrants out for him..if we knew where he was at any given moment, we'd have turned him in). He apologized for a few things in particular that he did to us, which was nice, but essentially he said he wants us to help this latest mother & baby out. He STILL had the nerve to lobby for our baby things!! I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. We always DO rise to the occasion..the babies are not to blame...he is the world's biggest slimeball now. (Used to be a nice guy) I called Child Protective Services, but we don't know ANYTHING to help them track these people down...I don't know the baby's real name/birth date or month/mother's full name/where they live...NOTHING. We know they are both druggies and he wants us to believe that the mom has stopped using.
I can't believe I am even writing any of this. If you knew what a goody goody two shoes I am, you would be laughing that I even have any of these details in my life!! I talk to Charly's probation officer all the time trying to help them track him down. In reference to the meeting today, the PO said that he DID want my DH to meet with him, because it is much better if Charly turns himself in, so he didn't want to interfere with their meeting. ARGH.
So, it helps to have Charly to tick me off, because the rest of the day I have felt like I just lived through some trauma and I can't get my head on straight. I can't THINK properly. Our 12 yr old has a girl that annoys us coming to stay the weekend and I am curious about how it will all play out. My DH is SEVERELY depressed over losing his job...to the point that I am very worried about him...my nerves are shot...and our 2 yr old with all the medical problems is going through a TERRIBLE time right now. SCREAMING NONSTOP. I feel like I am losing it.
I called Seattle Children's Hospital today and told them I was done with my little girl hurting. I want answers! And I told them that if we discover that they have neglected to diagnose something that has needed treatment until now they will be very sorry because I am not playing nice anymore. To listen to your baby scream in agony about everything that hurts her is so cruel!!! "Mommy help me!! MY BACK HURTS!!! MY FEET HURT!! MY HANDS HURT!!! MY TUMMY HURTS!!!" on and on and on. And I mean bloodcurdling screams! I videotaped it today and thought I would show them what I mean because naturally when we go to Seattle Children's hospital, she is all full of smiles. They need to see her TRYING to play while screaming in pain...til she falls on the floor writhing in agony...and we are NOT ALLOWED TO GO NEAR HER WHEN SHE IS HURTING...every touch hurts her worse. I am so sick of their lack of diligence in diagnosing her.
I guess that is the theme. I am DONE with all of it! I'm done with feeling so sad. I'm done with my husband and being depressed that some JERKS forced him out of his job. I'm done with my DD's annoying and unappreciative friends (man are we blessed she is so SWEET and AMAZING...cuz they are NOT!). I am MORE THAN DONE with my DESPICABLE brother-in-law who needs to be castrated. (lol sorry that may have gone too far) And I am DONE with doctors not fixing my sweet little girl who suffers all the time!! I wish I could get the home phone numbers for all her idiot specialists and let them listen to her screaming! They'd get their butts in gear for sure!
Things have to change. I feel like I am going crazy. There are TOO MANY THINGS out of my control here! For a control freak person, that is not acceptable!! LOL HELP!!!! I'm drowning in all this crud!!
Instead, I have been a wreck all day. My mind feels like it will explode from the thoughts that are drowning me...everything from the cruel reminder that I am no longer pregnant, to the panic I feel to TTC, to the frustration that my husband wants to wait until he finds a job, to the disgust I feel toward my brother-in-law!
Yes, let's talk about my brother in law, Charly (how he spells it) for a second. Rage is a good diversion from sadness. LOL My husband is from a family replete with drug and alcohol addiction. (My DH is the ONLY one who came out of it without addicitons...although he does like coffee a little too much..lol) His one and only sibling is Charly, who is 27 and decided to follow the path that all the rest did. We have tried to help him time and again get into drug treatment and straighten out his life, but he always falls back into his habits...SO, Charly recreationally gets his various drug addicted girlfriends pregnant and then leaves them to raise the babies...and us to help and to try to pick up the pieces.
Friday, September 3rd when I was miscarrying Matthew, Charly called out of the blue. He said he had heard through the grapevine that our baby had died and he wanted to say how sorry he was. He did not even pause after that...he immediately launched into sharing his exciting news with us that he had been out of touch because his girlfriend was delivering a beautiful baby girl (we didn't know this girl and didn't know she was pregnant). So he wanted to tell us about his perfect newborn daughter...she spent a few days in NICU because her mom was on meth, but other than that, she's healthy. (And when you consider that I don't even drink coffee, eat lunch meats, or most seafood or drink carbonated beverages when I'm pregnant, but meth-heads can pop out healthy babies!!!!!)
Anyhow, that wasn't the worst part...during that phone call, he said to me "Are you guys going to the 5pm service on Sunday?" I told him that we had originally planned to be going to a different service because we had plans with friends that day, but since our baby died and I was in the middle of delivering him "RIGHT NOW" and it was horrible and painful, we would probably cancel our plans with friends. I ended with, "If I have recovered enough by Sunday, we'll probably just go to the 5pm." He said, "OH, GOOD!! Because I really want you to meet my girlfriend and our new baby! We could really use some of your awesome baby gear and since you don't NEED IT NOW, maybe you could bring it down when you come for church? You could take us out to lunch and give the stuff to us then!"
What in the world do you say to that? He's such a scum-sucking pig.
So, today, he wanted to meet with my DH to own up to all kinds of horrible things he's done and apologize because he says he is turning himself in (he has a plethora of warrants out for him..if we knew where he was at any given moment, we'd have turned him in). He apologized for a few things in particular that he did to us, which was nice, but essentially he said he wants us to help this latest mother & baby out. He STILL had the nerve to lobby for our baby things!! I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. We always DO rise to the occasion..the babies are not to blame...he is the world's biggest slimeball now. (Used to be a nice guy) I called Child Protective Services, but we don't know ANYTHING to help them track these people down...I don't know the baby's real name/birth date or month/mother's full name/where they live...NOTHING. We know they are both druggies and he wants us to believe that the mom has stopped using.
I can't believe I am even writing any of this. If you knew what a goody goody two shoes I am, you would be laughing that I even have any of these details in my life!! I talk to Charly's probation officer all the time trying to help them track him down. In reference to the meeting today, the PO said that he DID want my DH to meet with him, because it is much better if Charly turns himself in, so he didn't want to interfere with their meeting. ARGH.
So, it helps to have Charly to tick me off, because the rest of the day I have felt like I just lived through some trauma and I can't get my head on straight. I can't THINK properly. Our 12 yr old has a girl that annoys us coming to stay the weekend and I am curious about how it will all play out. My DH is SEVERELY depressed over losing his job...to the point that I am very worried about him...my nerves are shot...and our 2 yr old with all the medical problems is going through a TERRIBLE time right now. SCREAMING NONSTOP. I feel like I am losing it.
I called Seattle Children's Hospital today and told them I was done with my little girl hurting. I want answers! And I told them that if we discover that they have neglected to diagnose something that has needed treatment until now they will be very sorry because I am not playing nice anymore. To listen to your baby scream in agony about everything that hurts her is so cruel!!! "Mommy help me!! MY BACK HURTS!!! MY FEET HURT!! MY HANDS HURT!!! MY TUMMY HURTS!!!" on and on and on. And I mean bloodcurdling screams! I videotaped it today and thought I would show them what I mean because naturally when we go to Seattle Children's hospital, she is all full of smiles. They need to see her TRYING to play while screaming in pain...til she falls on the floor writhing in agony...and we are NOT ALLOWED TO GO NEAR HER WHEN SHE IS HURTING...every touch hurts her worse. I am so sick of their lack of diligence in diagnosing her.
I guess that is the theme. I am DONE with all of it! I'm done with feeling so sad. I'm done with my husband and being depressed that some JERKS forced him out of his job. I'm done with my DD's annoying and unappreciative friends (man are we blessed she is so SWEET and AMAZING...cuz they are NOT!). I am MORE THAN DONE with my DESPICABLE brother-in-law who needs to be castrated. (lol sorry that may have gone too far) And I am DONE with doctors not fixing my sweet little girl who suffers all the time!! I wish I could get the home phone numbers for all her idiot specialists and let them listen to her screaming! They'd get their butts in gear for sure!
Things have to change. I feel like I am going crazy. There are TOO MANY THINGS out of my control here! For a control freak person, that is not acceptable!! LOL HELP!!!! I'm drowning in all this crud!!
Replies
Ohhhh honey...I totally relate to what you are going through....my first husbands family is very similar....plagued with drug and alcohol addictions....one of the reasons I am now divorced from him.....and I too had a SIL (by marriage) who never cared enough about her 4 children to stop drinking while she was pregnant....yes I have 3 nephews and 1 niece with FAE....makes me sick....not only that she is a serious drug user and although they are no longer together....I see her every once and a while around town...(somedays I would like to run her over)....its not the childs fault ...you can pick your friends but you cant pick your relatives.....
I feel horrible just reading your story and you have every right to vent..so vent away my dear....I am a good listener....funny how you hear or read someone else\'s story and suddenly your life doesnt look so bad....not that yours is bad...but you have your fair share of set backs...I say this because thats what they are....set backs....We are all survivors here....I sincerely hope that someone gives you some answers for your youngest......
I know you feel like you are drowning...but I was once a lifeguard and I would jump in in a heartbeat to save you...you are not alone...I am praying daily that you find the answers you seek and that you may find peace....you are not crazy....I think we all get alittle crazy at times...its us control freaks way of dealing with it all....and if they dont like it...well thats their problem..as for your BIL....how DARE he...expect you to just hand over baby stuff....that is just crap.....I would like to slap him for you....I would avoid the entire situation....maybe then he would get the hint....prolly not but its worth a try for your own sanity.....
Chin up girl....there is always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow....
((((HUGS))) You have quite a lot on your plate!!! It\'s only been 4 weeks, so please don\'t feel lik eyou have to be strong, or beat yourself for hurting. Every single month I cry around the anniversary. It\'s normal & you need to express those feelings & let them out or else it will eat you up like acid. Can\'t believe the nerve of Charly!!!! That was so incredibly insensitive & selfish of him!!! And your poor baby girl. I didn\'t know that your LO was going through that. Do they have any clue at all what\'s the matter? That poor baby. :( Try to take care of yourself as you\'re going through these stresses, & maybe find some time to pamper yourself.
Holy smokes I am surprised you have kept your sanity as long as you have. I agree about the first cycle. After my 1st MC I was feeling fine and then it came and I was a wreck all over. It happen for a few cycles because like you I was terrified about not being pregnant as I was about possibly being pregnant. Your BIL seems like a piece of work. I would be upset and angry as well. Unfortunately addicts don\'t tend to care about anyone but themselves so he sounds pretty typical from that perspective. I wouldn\'t give them your stuff. While I understand that it is not the babies fault, it is not your responsbility to take care of every child that your BIL pops out. Tell him to go ask his other babies\' mommas for stuff they aren\'t using. I am so sorry your little one is in so much pain. I can\'t beleive that they can\'t figure out what is causing it or at least find a way to help you manage it better. That is horrible. Hoping and praying that they figure somerthing out quickly. XO :)
i too thought id be happy getting on with it and getting my first period. i really felt that it would be my first step towards my 6 month wait to TTC. what i didnt realize was how \"final\" it made everything in my mind. sure i knew my baby was gone, and that i had had a D&C and it was just over. but getting my first AF was very hard emotionally. I know you are having a hard time right now with everything going on, if you need someone to talk to i am hhere!
Thank you guys so much for your kind words and support. It does feel a little like life it out of control...I just have to keep reminding myself that GOD is in control...and when it comes to my little girl, God loves her even more perfectly that I do. He doesn\'t want her to suffer either, so I\'m praying the doctors can figure things out. Sophia has an autoimmune deficiency that has caused her innumerable medical problems. She has migraines, and GERD, and an intestinal blockage...and what they SAID was Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis...but now that we have been sent up to Children\'s Hospital in Seattle (a FAR SUPERIOR HOSPITAL) they think she was misdiagnosed. They are ordering an MRI and a bunch of labs and have put in an urgent consult to Neurology. Whew. We\'ll see where we go from here, but it is AGONY to watch helplessly while she is in EXCRUCIATING pain. HELPLESS feeling.