I am ready to start over !!!

I have only gotten to page 13 paragraph 2 of my RAR and have written a ten page novel in my personal journal at home. I hand print in apx. size 5 font, front and back, so yes, it is a novel. To sum it up "repeating my ineffective pattern of coping" has happened three distinctive times in my life, from 7-15, 19-24, and again from 30-33. This time I have recognized that pattern. I have started to stop it. I know I was raped at 19, I now accept something happened to me at 7 as well. I love my real Mom (God rest her soul), she was a packrat. I looked at my childhood photos and can see the happiness leave around 7, even though I do not remember very much. All in time I’m sure. I’m getting ready for it to hit me. I know it is coming, but I am going to catch it this time and deal with it. I looked at my artwork and art awards I received as well. My art stopped during my "ineffective coping" times. I miss my confidences that I can create beautiful works of art. How do I know when I am a survivor – I will be able to draw in color. This is a very simple statement that is very deep and complex for me, to be at peace with my self to draw in color, draw from my soul I have buried and treated badly. I have moved my recovery to 50% because knowing is half the battle, the other 50% will be long and hard.