I AM NOT.... taking it any more....

selfish

mean

unloving

horrible

terrible

all the things that she tells me i am. just bc i stayed 2 nights instead of all weekend. i have helped her. i did help her. i do not want to help her for all that time. i don't want to. and that does not make me a horrible person. 

i am tired of her games. her anger. her pain. her loneliness. her sadness and grieving. i want a life and my life is not going to be about taking CARE of her. she is not physically in bad shape. she is mentally ill and refuses to get help. refuses. and insists that it is ME. 

i am having a hard time believing that it is okay to take care of myself. that it's ok to want to stay in my own bed. to be angry that she blames others for her unhappiness. i am so tired. i wished i could just move on.

i told her i was sorry but that's never enough. she then got mad bc i wasn't going to stay the whole 6 days. just 3. even though her sister said she would come. 

i want this thorn from me. i have enough thorns. i have ra and cfs. i want to take care of myself and enjoy life before i die. she is angry that i don't want to focus all and everything on her. i can't . i don't want to. she is responsible for her own mental welfare. 

she is responsible for her own happiness.

she is responsible for her own behavior. 

she is responsible for her own beliefs. 

she is NOT responsible for telling me what to think, believe, feel... NOR judge me for the things that i do think feel and believe and the way i want to live w/ or w/o her.

she is NOT my judge nor can she scream and yell and guilt and manipulate me into being what she needs. 

i do have the right to take care of myself. i have the right to draw boundaries around myself and protect myself from ppl i do not like or that are toxic for me. I do not have to explain my boundaries. they do not have to look like other ppl's boundaries. 

i am free to LIVE my life and let her live her life. But i have the right to be free from her manipulation, recognize manipulation, recognize judgement. recognize meanness and not be a part of her CHAOS. 

her mental, physical, spiritual, depleting, crappy CHAOS is bleeding over into my life and i'm tired of it. i'm ready. i'm ready to start a new direction w/ or without her. i do not want to be part of her depression any more. and i do not want to be told that i am STUPID for feeling the way i do feel. 

i do not feel safe . i never have my whole life. I've never known when she would thrash out at me or my brother or daddy. now that daddy is gone, i refuse to take his role. she told me that it is my JOB to take care of her bc she did it for everyone else. ... she did, but with resentment ....and i did go for 3 days and 2 nights. and that didn't meet her unspoken and unstated expectations. 

i had things to do today.... like get the hell out of there and take care of myself mentall and physically. i have that right. i have the right to NOT want to park in her chaos. her house is a disaster zone and packed full of crap but that's not going to change. 

i just don't want to be with her bc i can't predict her and she is so negative. and she tells me my feelings are STUPID. she told me that 3 x while i was there when i tried to express myself. 

i'm beyond feeling anything. i'm raw. i can't even cry. i'm just angry and tired of processing it all. it's all so exhausting.

so i decided to write it all down to get it out of my system. i wished i did have a counseling session today and then i could get some grounding. her tantrums and her constant complaining just trigger and shake my sanity. there are some ppl i avoid in TOPS bc of this very thing. they are chaotic emotionally. i run like hell from them and avoid conversation or sitting close to them when we go eat. 

i surround myself w/ sh, joy, beck, chris, sue, sue, terri, david, matt, mhusb, animals, NOT MB.... NOT MA, maur, .... 

I have the right to go do what i want to do w/o including her.... like go on my housesits. it is my job and i do not want to take her. not now. she needs her own life. i have the right to my own life. so does mab. 

i feel safe in my room/ with my computer and writing/ and with the door closed and my music and sage. this is where i want to be for the moment. i do not know about tomorrow. and i have the right to live odat. 

i am drawing myself in my purple bubble... floating into space... and i am asking higher power how many more chances she gets.... just where my boundaries should fall.... and wisdom for what i can change and let go of the rest. 

all was okay until i told her i wasn't staying any more... then she blew up again. so i'm not responsible for that. i am responsible for acting awful about her telling me how to drive. but that's ok. she is responsible for how she acted. not me. i will not take responsibility for that and i will not own it NOR look over it. NO ONE else treats me that way. NO ONE> and the one girl who did got blocked, kicked out of my life, and i've never seen again. she is SHIT OUT OF LUCK for doing that to me. she is blpd. so there's that. one in my life is enough. 

praying first for myself. then for others. 

namaste