I am not happy today

Almost five months. This month the "angelversary" is going to be so hard for me. I miss her so much it aches. Why did this have to happen? she didn't deserve to hurt just because of me and my stupid weak body. She never did anything wrong to anyone all she did was bring me joy and hope. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO SUFFER? And why can't she be mine?
It just cannot be almost half a year since i held her. I'm moving so far from her and it makes me miserable. I want her back its not fair I loved her more than i ever knew was possible and she should be here with me. SHE WAS MINE DAMNIT! i feel awful and alone i wish i had someone i could talk to about all this and the crazy guilty thoughts i have all day. I try not to but i blame myself everyday, i was supposed to protect her.
I hope i didn't offend anyone when i wrote about how it seems like everyone is pregnant, i didn't mean to at all. I really am proud of all you angel mommies who can try again and i'm envious of your strength and courage, i just wish that i was that strong and had faith like that.