I am losing my mind

I know I said I didn't want to write in my journal anymore, but I think I am losing my mind. It would make my life so much simpler if I just could. I have been reading other people's journals as I come across them, and I think I am the entire cause of all my problems. I must be the one that was narcissistic and anti social, anti everything. I am the sole cause of my marriage breaking up. I am the one who is wrong. I just don't want to believe it but the facts are there. I am the one who's life is spiraling down into nothing. I am the one that is losing friends faster than a speeding bullet. I am the one that has lost all my children. I am the one that must have caused all of this. But I don't want to accept it. I am the crazy one. Evidently I never grew up. I am the one living only a hair above homelessness, but always trying to pretend it was my choice and that I have such a neat new life style. I lie about everything, I spin everything so it sounds like I am in charge, I am taking back my life, I am better off the way I am now. BUT I AM NOT! Everything is just play acting. I haven't done a single grown up thing since I filed for divorce. I cry all the time and my mind is so confused I don't know how to behave. I get so angry at all kinds of things. A lady in the grocery store tried to duke it out over the stick thing that you put between grocery orders. I was helping Dorothy buy groceries for her, me and Mabel. I went first because at that particular store I had the most purchases, so Dorothy was behind me. I tried to grab a stick thing but there weren't any, as I turned to move forward another one became available and as I reached for it, Dorothy also reached. We both hesitated for a split second when this lady behind us tried to grab it out of Dorothy's hand. She put it behind Dorothy's last item,so she could start putting her food down, but Dorothy and I both put it in front of the last two items which were for Mabel. The lady immediately grabbed again! In unison Dorothy and I said"Leave it alone, we separating more than one order!" The lady just gave us a look of pure hatred and turned around to the man behind her. Now this was not an old woman, she had long gray hair pulled back in a pony tail, and she probably wasn't as old as me, but she said to the man behind her, that she came here shopping all the time and could you believe the audacity of some people! He was the same age or younger and he was trying to pick this woman up! As she looked at him her whole demeanor changed to coyness and sweetness. Why does this bother me? I know she thinks she is the old one who should get everyone's attention, but having a man's attention distracted her from us. We were no longer important to her! But she still pushed and huffed for Dorothy to get a move on. I hate people like that. I hate going to play cards after potluck, only to be left out because I have no partner. I hate always being hurt. And I  know I am the only one that feels this way. Other people don't even notice, when these things happen. Actually I notice that no body cares about any body else except themselves. No one does nice things on a regular basis anymore, unless they are going to receive national recognition for their kindness to others. Everyone acts as if they grew up in a ghetto with no upbringing. No manners, no concept of the other person and what they think or how they feel. Its all just rudeness and crudeness. All over the interview shows the people who are being interviewed and listened too are those idiots from the "Jersey Shore". They are embarrassing and ridiculous. I have to stop watching TV because I don't like listening to their stupidity. They even write books about their stupidity and how they are just the normal people, all of us are just like them! Ha! I wouldn't even give them the time of day,but no I would because I was raised to be polite, to take the high road and not deny people just because of their stupidity and lack of class or conscience. But you see this only makes me more the one with a problem,no one else even notices these kinds of people. I could go on and on about the stupid things that upset me, but what I need to acknowledge is that I am the only one bothered by all of this. No one else I know even cares. I can't get a job, because of people like this,I can't get any financial or medical help, because I am not under 30 and pregnant or with a couple of kids. I can't get anything because I am not an illegal immigrant. No I just paid taxes when I started working as of the age of 18 and still pay taxes on any money I get, and pay more than most people because I won't lie on my taxes. So I don't qualify for ANYTHING! and never will. Why don't they just shoot old people? Any one over the age of 58 who needs any kind of help, that way there would be so much more for illegals and kids under the age of 30 who want to do drugs, have babies, from multiple fathers, and yet live the good life, even though they have never held a job more than a few days and at minimum wage. But they expect and get, 3 and 4bedroom apartments, cars, and tattoo's, and party money, because after all they are missing out on the best years of their life, because they have the kids or they got hooked on drugs or whatever. I don't like this world I live in. I want out. I want to stop hurting and crying all the time. I want to stop being alone and then smile at everyone and pretend I am so strong and happy. Oh I am just fine. Life couldn't be better for me. I have nothing and nobody, but I am happy. Happy about what? Better not to talk about it, it is boring. Just ignore it and it will go away. But hey you have everything, look you own an RV. You take a shower and wash your clothes, you have everything. Hey if you are just too stupid not to lie that's your problem. Hey no body else tells the truth, because after all what is the truth? What I say is the truth and what you say isn't. But that's okay for you to think the same way, you know, you speak the truth but what some one else say's isn't. I just want off. I can't take this roller coaster ride any more. Let me off. I just want to stop this crying and hurting and everything else. Why can't I just die. I can't die, because I don't have the right kind of cancer, I not old enough, and I just can't kill myself. So I will live to a really old age in pure pain and suffering, while everyone just steps over me and say's come get up your bothering us because your in our way.