I am just a failure

    This week...what can I say? Nothing but BPing every freaking day!! Then after the purging, I use laxitives, and they next day starts over with more food, more purging. It has been almost everyday for the past 2 weeks. I just don't know how to get out of this. Everyday I plan out the next, with resolve and vigor, I try to stay positive, I try to keep myself busy, but then Igo to bed at night thinking about food, and the next day I eat the freaking food. Its not as if I am hungry either when I binge. I just want my stomach to be full. Like sickly full. thats all there is to it.  I have read in nut. class that when a body starves for a while and food becomes available, the body will naturally want to eat as much as possible until body weight is healthy or something like that. I wonder if that is the case with me. Either way, this is not healthy!    Also when I binge, I a on autopilot. It doesnt matter what I eat now, as long as its something that will keep me stuffed. Then I spend so much time trying to purge and I can't even do a good job with that either!!! I know I need to exercise,, and I told myself I would go swimming, then I told myself I would start running/walking. Well I just can't seem to get off my lazy ass!!! I used to go to the gym for hours, and now I have a hard time getting up. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!?????????????    I don't know what to do to get out of this. I wish I had someone to push me, someone who w=could do this with me, I wish that I was not a freaking lazy ass. I hate myself so FREAKING MUCH!!! And my husband wants sex and I just binged and I couldn't get everything out and now my stomach is bloated and I feel sick thinking about him ouching me at all. Well, theres my vent, I don't have anything positive and I need freaking help