I am hurting
I am hurting real bad. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. Who do I have to blame for this but me? Where do I even start?
The last two and a half weeks have been extremely tumultuous to say the least. I got home from vacation and after nearly reaching 2 months gamble free I got some good news, some extra money, but also had a few extra bills to pay, and I had a few days of vacation left to myself with no plans.... ALARM BELLS! I went to the casino and dropped nearly a grand the first day. Since then it has been a downward spiral... realizing how much the first time hurt my wallet I tried and tried and tried again. I told myself I was just going to play it safe and play poker and play conservatively etc etc. I have to let go of any notion that I can achieve success this way. Long story short, it came to a head yesterday and now I feel I have no way out. Unless I can get a long term bank loan to help me cover some of the short term costs I have buried myself in, I dont know what will happen. I have taken out two pay day loans and I have car insurance and credit cards to pay. Right now I dont even have gas money to get to work next week. I applied for a loan with one online place but I have to wait and see. If I get approved I can sort out my affairs and start to look for some hope. If I dont get approved I am going to have to go ask some friends for some money or something.
My gambling losses have been compounded by a few silly mistakes, like having money in the wrong account and getting an NSF for $45 for a $17 fee - but these are also gambling related mistakes, the $17 was a loan fee, and the money was in the other account because I was considering going back again (I didnt, but the thought alone cost me).
Today is now, once again, my day one. This time I am writing all this pain down, and I am going to read this story again every day if I need to. The worst part might be trying to act like everything is ok, around friends, family coworkers, and especially my wife! I am hurting so bad. I wanted so bad to be able to say I could make it myself, without my stupid job which I am frustrated with, without all the BS and crap that I find myself increasingly frustrated with. But maybe thats my problem is my state of mind, and maybe my state of mind is so badly infected from the gambling addiction that it may take months or years of sobriety for me to actually find out how to be positive and stable emotionally again.
I just discovered terrible news. I found out the loan place is actually a place that gives you a loan but in the form of a GIC investment so you dont actually get any money to use.
Does anyone know of a bank that will give long term loans to poor credit customers without collateral? I dont want to have to beg friends for money. I seriously think I have run out of options and its driving my stress through the roof! No wonder I spent the week sick in bed - which was one reason why I didnt gamble for 5 days. And what did I do the first day I was feeling better? I went back to try try again...
The only thing I can think of right now is how to get myself out of this hot water in the short term, how to get money in my hand today. If I cant do it, my mind is really starting to think crazy irrational things and wondering if I can do it illegally... If I can just get myself to figure out in black and white how I will survive this storm, then I can focus on the future and getting better. If I can't I just dont know what I will do. I can't even write right now, I can't think, all I can do is try and try and try to make up for what Ive done, and get back to zero, I am going to have to spend all day going to banks, trying to get loans etc until I get something.
The last two and a half weeks have been extremely tumultuous to say the least. I got home from vacation and after nearly reaching 2 months gamble free I got some good news, some extra money, but also had a few extra bills to pay, and I had a few days of vacation left to myself with no plans.... ALARM BELLS! I went to the casino and dropped nearly a grand the first day. Since then it has been a downward spiral... realizing how much the first time hurt my wallet I tried and tried and tried again. I told myself I was just going to play it safe and play poker and play conservatively etc etc. I have to let go of any notion that I can achieve success this way. Long story short, it came to a head yesterday and now I feel I have no way out. Unless I can get a long term bank loan to help me cover some of the short term costs I have buried myself in, I dont know what will happen. I have taken out two pay day loans and I have car insurance and credit cards to pay. Right now I dont even have gas money to get to work next week. I applied for a loan with one online place but I have to wait and see. If I get approved I can sort out my affairs and start to look for some hope. If I dont get approved I am going to have to go ask some friends for some money or something.
My gambling losses have been compounded by a few silly mistakes, like having money in the wrong account and getting an NSF for $45 for a $17 fee - but these are also gambling related mistakes, the $17 was a loan fee, and the money was in the other account because I was considering going back again (I didnt, but the thought alone cost me).
Today is now, once again, my day one. This time I am writing all this pain down, and I am going to read this story again every day if I need to. The worst part might be trying to act like everything is ok, around friends, family coworkers, and especially my wife! I am hurting so bad. I wanted so bad to be able to say I could make it myself, without my stupid job which I am frustrated with, without all the BS and crap that I find myself increasingly frustrated with. But maybe thats my problem is my state of mind, and maybe my state of mind is so badly infected from the gambling addiction that it may take months or years of sobriety for me to actually find out how to be positive and stable emotionally again.
I just discovered terrible news. I found out the loan place is actually a place that gives you a loan but in the form of a GIC investment so you dont actually get any money to use.
Does anyone know of a bank that will give long term loans to poor credit customers without collateral? I dont want to have to beg friends for money. I seriously think I have run out of options and its driving my stress through the roof! No wonder I spent the week sick in bed - which was one reason why I didnt gamble for 5 days. And what did I do the first day I was feeling better? I went back to try try again...
The only thing I can think of right now is how to get myself out of this hot water in the short term, how to get money in my hand today. If I cant do it, my mind is really starting to think crazy irrational things and wondering if I can do it illegally... If I can just get myself to figure out in black and white how I will survive this storm, then I can focus on the future and getting better. If I can't I just dont know what I will do. I can't even write right now, I can't think, all I can do is try and try and try to make up for what Ive done, and get back to zero, I am going to have to spend all day going to banks, trying to get loans etc until I get something.
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