I am going to see goodbye to Brad and start over 7/11/08

The late great John Lennon before he died had a fantastic album.It was called Double Fantasy.It was his best and last.One of the songs that John wrote was Startin Over and this is what I intend to do as of now is to start over.I had 12 and half years with Brad.He left me without a note or any explanation.I didnt even know about his financial trouble.I am 61 and Brad will be my last. i am still living in the house because Brad left me some funds.I did promise Brad to take care of the house and cats.I also promised Brad that I would not give my cats up and I wouldnt leave Greenwood.My neighborhood is called Greenwood.It is located in Seattle.My neighborhood has got the most fantastic people.They have Mexicans, Afro-Americans and Muslims.The Muslim community saw all of the police cars and medical examiner on the 5/22/09.They knew when I came out crying that something was wrong.I managed to tell some of my neighbors and they came over and hugged me.One of the Muslim men told me that on Friday he will mention my name in prayer at the mosque.I offered him a donation and he told me that in his religion...they dont give donations..they pray for everyone and noone knows about this.He wished me well.The little child who is about 8 and dressed in Muslim clothes told me that she was sorry and Brad was a nice man.Here is a little girl who gave me the biggest compliment.She also offered prayers.The Mexicans up the street offered prayer.One of my neighbors came over with cat food.A man who was visiting the family asked about the cars and told me that he is in the market for a car and i told him that I cant sell the cars because i am not the wife or distant relative.I also dont have the title.It has to be sold by the family.And the proceeds will go to Gayle because she is paying for Brads service.Gaye told a loan for Brad.I feel so bad about this..but Brad left no money for his funereal and he knew that things were tight.Brad was cremated.I have never seen anyone who was selfish as Brad was.He knew that it was going to be my 62nd birthday.He knew that my brother was coming to see on June 7th.He knew about the Mariners game.Yet he was so caught up in his own pain...he never saw mine.Why are people so caught up in this? Brad had no money problems.He was getting a check every week.He could have been on umemployment for another 6 months.Why Brad Why? Now I am all alone and it isnt so bad.I go out every day and I have been busy fixing up the house and taking care of the cats.On Tuesday..I see about a job.I have to work part time and it has to be during the week.No week ends or nights or sundays.Today i go to the half price book sale and get more books.They are having a lecture about suicide this week end and I am going to see why Brad took his life because my life now is fill of questions and my heart is tried with pain...I am thinking of going back into reading the Tarot Cards again and I am.I am having cards made up.I have to do this.I have to have a second income now..Yesterday i went to value village like I do..once a week and got a fantastic statue.It is of Merlin.Merlin was a magiican who ruled Camelot and Merlin in on top of my computer and I feel so much better.Again as in the 12 th step if I have offened anyone I am sorry.This experience is making me realize that some things cant be prevented.Tragedies happen.It is how we deal with the tragedies and set backs.It is how.And I am going to move on.